I don’t understand why I can’t die

[ephemeral_deathwish]

I've always been a guest on this site, reading other people's experiences and information on these things because I don't have anyone that can help me. I have bpd and I'm fucking exhausted, I've had four attempts, one last night.

It's bad enough when you want to ctb, but it's even worse that for some reason you can't. As much as a painful or destructive end I don't want the people who may love me to find me that way, for their sake I only want to ctb as an overdose but I can't. I've taken double or more the supposed toxic acetomenophen dose but nothing seems to work. I only get dizzy and sleepy and I wake up the next day as if nothing happened. It's exhausting.

Last night I took like 30 pills, they were all I had left, now what do I do? I feel like everything they say online is a lie.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Welcome to the forum! I'm sorry you're suffering so much. There's a Suicide Resource Compilation and if your preference is ODing you should read these threads:

A Caution About Drug Poisonings (ODs) and Cutting

Preamble I see a lot of posts on this forum mentioning drug poisoning and/or cutting/stabbing as a method of choice. I want to caution these methods for a few reasons. I respect the right to choose any method but I'm concerned that those using these methods may not be fully informed on the...

www.sanctioned-suicide.net

Rhizo's drug AMA – the only comprehensive resource on drug poisonings you will ever need

AMA: I have a degree in psychology with specialized experience in substance use research, psychopharmacology, psychedelic research, etc. I've also read a lot about drug poisonings, the PPH, and various methods on this forum. I've been using the dark net to buy drugs and been connected to...

www.sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope that you eventually find the freedom you search for, I really despise how it's so unnecessarily difficult for one to die on their own terms, it's extreme cruelty to me how one cannot just choose to easily die in peace. But anyway best wishes.