I don't think I was ever truly ready to go no contact as I envisioned

[Water-Lily]

I have ran away from home multiple times. I had even gone no contact once in my life in response to all of the abuse and trauma I have suffered. Though as I am in my room at home trying to muster up the courage to sleep over on campus tonight (sends shivers down my spine) I am realizing how I never realized how hard it was. How hard it was to set boundaries. How hard it was to go AND stick to no contact. How hard it was to face challenges in a new environment, knowing that going back home would be worse

In the end, I failed myself. I treat my life as a student as a commuter rather than a dorm student. I've only slept over in my dorm once. Every other time has been sleeping at home. In spite of walking on eggshells, crying, and feeling intense anger, I chose the comfort of toxicity over the discomfort of a healthier place. With roommates who are nice for the most part, but I haven't given myself a chance to really be there. My attitude towards the dorm in the beginning was hostility. I didn't want to spend time with roommates and projected onto them. My dad starting a fight didn't help either

I honestly should have cut off my dad there and then but, look at me. I'm a pathetic loser

Anyways, I guess I'll try again. I do try to get out the house as much as possible. Be it going to the gym socializing with friends, and studying in school away from home. But it doesn't change the fact that I still choose to go back home each day. Going back to a place that holds no room for healthy growth.

 

[MeltingBrain]

If you don't me asking , why is it tough for you to stay in the dorm room ? Do you have social anxiety ?

 

[Water-Lily]

If you don't me asking , why is it tough for you to stay in the dorm room ? Do you have social anxiety ?

I don't know really. when I do I get severe panic attacks

 

[Kobusu]

I think staying at your dorm is something you have to build up, maybe start with spending hours during the day or between classes there? I remember how hard my first night away from home was, but i also remember how great it felt to want to go outside for a walk at 2 am, and being able to without people being on my ass. It's just a long process, especially with anxiety, but I hope you get through it so you can start to sleep somewhere you feel safer and/or less anxious overall.