Venting I don't remember why I want to die

[miyamura_04]

I've felt on and off suicidal since my early teens. It peaked a few years ago after some bad stuff happened that isn't really important in this post, but at the climax of it all I tried to ctb unsuccessfully.

Since then, it's been rare for me to feel the urge to follow through on those thoughts or try to do anything dangerous, but thinking about dying has become such a big part of my daily life over the years that I forgot why I even started feeling like this in the first place. My memory beyond the past year or two is awful and even just thinking and being introspective has become impossible for me recently. It feels like I'm just living on the surface and my brain isn't letting me push deeper than that.

I hate this fogginess but it is atleast a nice change to not feel things as intensely these days - I do atleast remember when I was breaking down over the most trivial things and felt exhausted after every meltdown. Not dealing with that as frequently is a lot more calm. It's more of a passive suicidal ideation now, almost like a quiet long time friend, which I do much prefer

Also this is my first post, so if it's in the wrong place please lemme know where to put it instead ; - ;

 

[no.hope]

similar experience I've been trying to ctb for a while now , just lack the motivation to finally go and do it
i feel like i can barely remember anything about my childhood anymore it just feels foggy and blank like a gap in my memory

 

[SVEN]

Folk pretty much post where they choose as far as I've seen. A Moderator will doubtless swap the post over to a different group or thread if they feel it appropriate.
You might find others in a more similar situation to your own who could relate better in the Recovery Section. We're more of a morbid bunch here I fear.
Welcome to SS now you're here.

 

[miyamura_04]

Folk pretty much post where they choose as far as I've seen. A Moderator will doubtless swap the post over to a different group or thread if they feel it appropriate.
You might find others in a more similar situation to your own who could relate better in the Recovery Section. We're more of a morbid bunch here I fear.
Welcome to SS now you're here.

Ty for the info fam

similar experience I've been trying to ctb for a while now , just lack the motivation to finally go and do it
i feel like i can barely remember anything about my childhood anymore it just feels foggy and blank like a gap in my memory

My school counsellor used to say the gaps in my memory might be my mind trying to protect me from difficult memories. I don't know what you've been through but for me that made sense

 

[wonderfulheaven]

i feel a similar way, the way i cope with it feeling like an "unknown" singular reason to want to die is by thinking of it as an amalgamation of everything terrible that has happened/is happening over the years. they feel as if they form into one big reason that one feels life is unfair towards them, and with this weighing negativity comes an inability to think of any reason to stay, or anything positive for that matter. for you perhaps it really just is an overarching feeling that comes with mental illness though, which can be equally as daunting.

 

[miyamura_04]

i feel a similar way, the way i cope with it feeling like an "unknown" singular reason to want to die is by thinking of it as an amalgamation of everything terrible that has happened/is happening over the years. they feel as if they form into one big reason that one feels life is unfair towards them, and with this weighing negativity comes an inability to think of any reason to stay, or anything positive for that matter. for you perhaps it really just is an overarching feeling that comes with mental illness though, which can be equally as daunting.

Wow you put it in an eloquent way. Thanks for helping me find some clarity I never thought about it being multiple things instead of one big bad thing

 

[divinemistress87]

Depression and ptsd damages area of brain responsible for memory it sucks

 

[burdenox]

Honestly same here. If someone was to randomly put me on the spot and ask me why I want to die I'd find it hard to give them an answer that would sound,, idk, reasonable? Like I have a home, I have (some) family, I have a partner who cares about me. That's more than what a lot of people have. But when you've been suicidal since 14 it's almost like a default setting and I'm sure a lot of people here feel the same

Sure if I went through my whole story I think my reasoning would make more sense but when people ask "why are you suicidal?" I think people think it's just one specific thing. For a lot of us it's being fed up with a lifetime of suffering