chryblossmsatnight
Member
- Jan 23, 2025
- 5
i'm just venting to get my thoughts out there that i've been bottling up for a while but i've been perpetually stuck in a state of mind in which i don't know what to do with myself. i don't really have the motivation to cut myself again so that i can have a semblance of bringing my mind elsewhere and i don't really know when or how i should kill myself. i've long decided that in a few years if nothing in my life happens that i'm definitely going to kill myself because otherwise why should i continue to live if everything will remain the same and i'll remain miserable for the rest of my life.
i'm basically a high-school dropout with no friends, i haven't had a real meaningful connection with a person in a solid.. 8 years, i think. i don't get along with any of my siblings and just being around them is enough.
i brought up the idea of moving out (specifically to another country, yes i'm aware of how difficult and expensive it is to move out especially towards another country away from where i live currently—its just one of the few things that motivate me to work so that i can get to this goal, but it seems impossible with how my life is going now) i've been so hard-set that just being away from my 'family' and everyone's who's wronged me in general would give me a peace of mind and that i can actually work on myself. firstly, i've never had any control in my life because i've basically been so suicidal and depressed that i genuinely couldn't possibly see a future for myself.
i never get to choose anything i want to do because my mother still has control over my finances despite me being an adult. though, because i'm pretty much disabled due to being terminally ill, i guess that's why she feels so much control over me.
i spoke to my mother about this and she basically dismissed me telling me that: i don't know anyone outside of [this place i've lived in for a couple years] (i already don't know anyone here and i'm not close with any of my outside family members to feel like i'm missing something if i were to move somewhere far away from them, especially since i don't talk to any of them) and telling me that i just need to do something with myself even though i quite literally do not see a future for myself living here and how miserable people make me feel. this is one of the only motivations i developed in the last few weeks or so after not finding joy in anything in years. even after i made this explicitly clear to her she began to tell me how i couldn't because [insert guilt tripping response here] like.. im not even sure what i could've said to her in response other than just take her words because i feel like trying to reason with my mother on anything without her bringing up something completely irrelevant to me
i was terrible at school, i can't socialize for shit and i'm not capable of being close enough with anyone because of how socially awkward i've become from dealing with my terminal illness when i was in fifth grade up to high school not to mention the pandemic basically tarnishing any skills that i could've developed since i've been cooped up indoors for most of my childhood up to my very-late teenage years. i spend most of my time either sitting in bed and doing nothing with myself and the other times when i do get up just to get back into bed again.
and adding on that it doesnt help that i've been closeted for an entire decade now, forcing myself into a corner into just accepting this state of my life because nobody in my life will and this has been very clear to me for such a long time that it's all i think about when i do really think about myself as a person. just telling myself "god i cant say anything to this person" because every time i do nobody takes my words seriously or just tells me the same regurgitated shit over and over again.
I don't really know how to get into therapy or actually talk to real people since once again, most of my life is controlled by my mother and it only seems nothing matters until it effects her personally.
i'm basically a high-school dropout with no friends, i haven't had a real meaningful connection with a person in a solid.. 8 years, i think. i don't get along with any of my siblings and just being around them is enough.
i brought up the idea of moving out (specifically to another country, yes i'm aware of how difficult and expensive it is to move out especially towards another country away from where i live currently—its just one of the few things that motivate me to work so that i can get to this goal, but it seems impossible with how my life is going now) i've been so hard-set that just being away from my 'family' and everyone's who's wronged me in general would give me a peace of mind and that i can actually work on myself. firstly, i've never had any control in my life because i've basically been so suicidal and depressed that i genuinely couldn't possibly see a future for myself.
i never get to choose anything i want to do because my mother still has control over my finances despite me being an adult. though, because i'm pretty much disabled due to being terminally ill, i guess that's why she feels so much control over me.
i spoke to my mother about this and she basically dismissed me telling me that: i don't know anyone outside of [this place i've lived in for a couple years] (i already don't know anyone here and i'm not close with any of my outside family members to feel like i'm missing something if i were to move somewhere far away from them, especially since i don't talk to any of them) and telling me that i just need to do something with myself even though i quite literally do not see a future for myself living here and how miserable people make me feel. this is one of the only motivations i developed in the last few weeks or so after not finding joy in anything in years. even after i made this explicitly clear to her she began to tell me how i couldn't because [insert guilt tripping response here] like.. im not even sure what i could've said to her in response other than just take her words because i feel like trying to reason with my mother on anything without her bringing up something completely irrelevant to me
i was terrible at school, i can't socialize for shit and i'm not capable of being close enough with anyone because of how socially awkward i've become from dealing with my terminal illness when i was in fifth grade up to high school not to mention the pandemic basically tarnishing any skills that i could've developed since i've been cooped up indoors for most of my childhood up to my very-late teenage years. i spend most of my time either sitting in bed and doing nothing with myself and the other times when i do get up just to get back into bed again.
and adding on that it doesnt help that i've been closeted for an entire decade now, forcing myself into a corner into just accepting this state of my life because nobody in my life will and this has been very clear to me for such a long time that it's all i think about when i do really think about myself as a person. just telling myself "god i cant say anything to this person" because every time i do nobody takes my words seriously or just tells me the same regurgitated shit over and over again.
I don't really know how to get into therapy or actually talk to real people since once again, most of my life is controlled by my mother and it only seems nothing matters until it effects her personally.
