Venting i don't necessarily want to die but i also can't live with my trauma/past

[unbelievablydead]

this time last year, i was happy, healthy, felt pretty and loved myself. now... i don't even know who i am anymore. i made the biggest mistake of my life this year, the year that i thought i had found myself and had it all figured out. and then i did the stupidest fucking thing and fucked up my life. i fucking hate myself. i lost my peace and i just want it back. the only way to achieve that is to die.

i just don't understand how i could mess things up this bad, why i gave a fuck, why small things didn't pull me back, why i couldn't just be honest??? i used to think i was a pretty good person, obviously with my share of mistakes, but i was in therapy trying to work on past trauma that was interfering with things and then... i just betrayed myself completely, and now i'm broken beyond repair and help

 

[COP2CON]

Your here so I don't think your beyond repair or help. The only time your not is when the coroner zips up that bag. I don't have any great words of wisdom other than "shit happens" and it sucks. I'm sorry for your pain and I hope you give it a go again. Someone cares even if its just little ole me.

 

[Ihatemonday]

this time last year, i was happy, healthy, felt pretty and loved myself. now... i don't even know who i am anymore. i made the biggest mistake of my life this year, the year that i thought i had found myself and had it all figured out. and then i did the stupidest fucking thing and fucked up my life. i fucking hate myself. i lost my peace and i just want it back. the only way to achieve that is to die.

i just don't understand how i could mess things up this bad, why i gave a fuck, why small things didn't pull me back, why i couldn't just be honest??? i used to think i was a pretty good person, obviously with my share of mistakes, but i was in therapy trying to work on past trauma that was interfering with things and then... i just betrayed myself completely, and now i'm broken beyond repair and help

I get when you say you don't necessarily want to die but can't live with your past and trauma. It drags you down when it seems like you're finally able to move on. It lingers, it sucks your life away and every prospect of future comes crumbling down. It will be with us forever, we will carry our past like an open wound that never scars.

 

[unbelievablydead]

Your here so I don't think your beyond repair or help. The only time your not is when the coroner zips up that bag. I don't have any great words of wisdom other than "shit happens" and it sucks. I'm sorry for your pain and I hope you give it a go again. Someone cares even if its just little ole me.

i appreciate that, and i care about you too i do have people around me who care, and that almost makes it worse. i just feel like i took everything for granted and then made this huge mistake, and the way it's taken a toll on my mental and physical health has affected everyone around me and i just feel so fucking guilty. it just breaks my heart. i feel like i ruined everything, and in my case, i truly don't see a way out. i know i'll hurt so many people if i ctb, but i feel i'm hurting them everyday by still being around. i just can't live with what i did and i want my peace back. i know i'd be "taking the easy way out", but i nothing has helped me and i don't think anything will. trying to move on and live again has just made me miserable. sorry for the pity party, i used to not be this way.