everlastinghistory
Member
- May 5, 2022
- 86
There's this girl I've well… Treated kinda shitty. And by kinda I mean I threatened suicide, apparently manipulated her though I genuinely remember things being the way I told her I remembered them so it's not on purpose if I am. I've apparently tried to blame her for me thinking she'd ever love me back and getting hurt by it (still think it was somewhat her fault but whatever).
Moral of the story is she called me delusional, told me I was a piece of shit and manipulative, told me not to call her "liebling" anymore (german word for "darling") and then told me to get a psychiatrist.
I love her. Desperately. I know I've fucked up and said some shit I regret more than anything. I know I don't deserve her forgiveness nor do I expect it. But I also feel kind of trapped now. I've always said I didn't believe in psychiatrists. That I would never go to one. In grades 7 and 8 I talked to my elementary schools social worker. Lied to her the entire time. Could guarantee I'd lie again if I got a psychiatrist now. It'd be pointless and only cause me more issues.
She seems to really want what's best for me but I don't think that's what's best. It'll just make everyone around me baby me even more than they already do and I'll have even less freedom than I already do.
That time I threatened suicide I wasn't lying. While I'll admit I never should've said that to her — and I know I shouldn't have… I also did mean it. I don't know what to do without her. She's the only thing that's ever truly made me happy. There's a city in the next province over from mine that she almost moved to. I'm considering doing it there but I don't really have an easy way to get there since I don't have a drivers licence. Or a car. Obviously. I could take the bus or train but I don't have the money to get to another province. It's over 100$ to get where I wanna go. I don't have a job. And getting one isn't really an option considering my mental state.
I'm not particularly looking for advice. Mostly just ranting. I dunno. I love this girl and I hate myself for hurting her. Anyone who threatens suicide is someone nobody would miss if they did it anyway. She's right about everything she said. Even if she did have interest in me I wouldn't deserve her. She deserves perfection and nothing short of it.
I don't ever want to give myself the chance to hurt her again but if I stop talking to her I will kill myself regardless. I'd rather just commit and never have to live a day without her…
Moral of the story is she called me delusional, told me I was a piece of shit and manipulative, told me not to call her "liebling" anymore (german word for "darling") and then told me to get a psychiatrist.
I love her. Desperately. I know I've fucked up and said some shit I regret more than anything. I know I don't deserve her forgiveness nor do I expect it. But I also feel kind of trapped now. I've always said I didn't believe in psychiatrists. That I would never go to one. In grades 7 and 8 I talked to my elementary schools social worker. Lied to her the entire time. Could guarantee I'd lie again if I got a psychiatrist now. It'd be pointless and only cause me more issues.
She seems to really want what's best for me but I don't think that's what's best. It'll just make everyone around me baby me even more than they already do and I'll have even less freedom than I already do.
That time I threatened suicide I wasn't lying. While I'll admit I never should've said that to her — and I know I shouldn't have… I also did mean it. I don't know what to do without her. She's the only thing that's ever truly made me happy. There's a city in the next province over from mine that she almost moved to. I'm considering doing it there but I don't really have an easy way to get there since I don't have a drivers licence. Or a car. Obviously. I could take the bus or train but I don't have the money to get to another province. It's over 100$ to get where I wanna go. I don't have a job. And getting one isn't really an option considering my mental state.
I'm not particularly looking for advice. Mostly just ranting. I dunno. I love this girl and I hate myself for hurting her. Anyone who threatens suicide is someone nobody would miss if they did it anyway. She's right about everything she said. Even if she did have interest in me I wouldn't deserve her. She deserves perfection and nothing short of it.
I don't ever want to give myself the chance to hurt her again but if I stop talking to her I will kill myself regardless. I'd rather just commit and never have to live a day without her…
