i don't know if to tell her about wanting to ctb

[mattoman]

Hi, sorry if this is a dumb question, but anyway.

I was at a friend's party last night and she confessed to me that she's had feelings for me for sometime now (and I have had feelings for her as well) and it gave me a bit hope. But still not enough to stop me for thinking about ctb. If we ever start dating, is it worth telling her about my suicidal thoughts or no? I don't want to do harm to her by killing myself, because that would suck, but I hate telling others about my SH thoughts because I can't stand their reactions, either sincere or fake. But I would think it would be fair for her to know that I am indeed broken. Well I don't want to jump too ahead of myself since this was just a confession of feelings.

Maybe a dumb post or thought but it just came to my mind and thought this would be the right place to ask for help.

 

[SVEN]

I'd always be very, very careful about disclosing these types of thoughts. Once someone else, even one person, knows you have now lost control of your confidentiality.
"He who has a secret to keep, must keep it a secret that he has a secret."

 

[taq]

I'd strongly advise against approaching the dating phase with this matter.
Keep it to yourself until you have established a long term relationship. In fact, it is extremely likely that you won't be suicidal anymore by the time you have done so - that way the matter resolved itself.

 

[fallingleaves]

I disagree with the previous commenters. My policy is to have a clear discussion with anyone I'm getting close with to establish boundaries around carceral/escalating actions. I disengage immediately with anyone who refuses to respect my position and my wishes. I feel that waiting to have this discussion later will only lead to heartbreak and disappointment for me.

 

[mattoman]

I disagree with the previous commenters. My policy is to have a clear discussion with anyone I'm getting close with to establish boundaries around carceral/escalating actions. I disengage immediately with anyone who refuses to respect my position and my wishes. I feel that waiting to have this discussion later will only lead to heartbreak and disappointment for me.

I welcome all thoughts but I think I agree with you the most. I kinda would want her to know where I stand before anything happens, but I don't know if it's "too much" this early. But what taq said I kinda agree with as well that I would need to keep my thoughts to myself until I know I can fully rely on her about anything. Mixed feelings. But thanks to y'all who answered, appreciate it

 

[KillingPain267]

Confessing to someone that you plan to kill yourself is like confessing to someone that you plan to kill someone else. Almost. But it means that person now knows too much and has the power to report you and the police can come and escort you, not to a prison, but to a mental hospital.

 

[davidtorez]

I'd always be very, very careful about disclosing these types of thoughts. Once someone else, even one person, knows you have now lost control of your confidentiality.
"He who has a secret to keep, must keep it a secret that he has a secret."

Wise words indeed

 

[SVEN]

Wise words indeed

Like all my very best lines … I plaigerised 'em, David.

 

[fallingleaves]

I think there are ways of bringing up the topic of suicide and what someone would potentially do in that situation without admitting to being currently suicidal now. I also understand that it's difficult to trust anyone completely, and that people can lie and stretch the truth to the authorities. Nonetheless, I personally have one or two people in my life who have proven that they will not cross this boundary of mine, and that's probably one reason why I'm still alive today. I hope that more people can have conversations about these kinds of boundaries. We shouldn't have to hide, it's wrong. We must be careful to protect ourselves against coercive actions that could further harm us, and it's completely fair to lie to do so. But I haven't been able to give up on people yet, only grown more cautious and selective through my mistakes. And that makes me try to have these hard conversations. I have a pretty well practiced disclaimer now.

 

[davidtorez]

Like all my very best lines … I plaigerised 'em, David.

Doesnt make it any less wise

 

[ShatteredSerenity]

Confessing suicidal thoughts to anyone is risky, but especially so to any potentially close intimate partner. It's impossible to know how they'll react, and the likelihood of bad outcomes far outweighs the potential benefits (in my experience).

Most people are not prepared to discuss suicide with someone they have an intimate connection with. The thought of being so close to someone who kills themself is terrifying, and most people will have an instict to protect their own wellbeing by distancing themselves emotionally. They may not say that outright, and it may not kill the relationship outright, but it is likely to seriously damage the relationship in unseen ways.

Disclosing that you're "broken", in the sense that you're dealing with mental health struggles, is more viable as long as it's done carefully. Everybody struggles emotionally at least sometimes, and being able to discuss it openly and intelligently is healthy and a mark of maturity. The key is to do it in a thoughtful, constructive way. Show that you're actively working on your own issues, that you're not needy. Show that you can be supportive and work together to build a mutually beneficial relationship, not something one-sided. If you can't do those things, you should consider working on yourself before working on relationships.