Help I don’t know how to move on from my attempt

[Maormer]

I've had a few attempts in my life but I can't get my most recent (and final) attempt out of my head. I can't seem to move on from it and go back to normal. I've been suicidal for nearly a decade, bouncing from one attempt to the next.

My last one was different, I can tell I'm not the same as before it. I track my mental health, I've been consistently less suicidal for months. So much has happened in the last year. I even said I liked myself at one point and I don't think i was lying at the time.

But despite this real progress I feel stuck. I can't get out of the suicidal mindset. I'm still depressed. I still rot and waste so much time. I don't know how to motivate myself. I spent so long not caring about my life because I knew it'd be over soon. I am barely functional. I still have no idea what I'm doing at all. I'm falling apart. I only knew what it's like to die. I need to learn how to live. I feel so developmentally stunted.

It's like my past attempts are all haunting my present and killing my ability to image a future. Part of my mind has grown. I understand I'm somehow making progress. I know I'm in a new era of my life and that is a good thing even if I'm miserable right now. But another part of my brain, a more core component, doesn't know how to function without suicide looming constantly.

I'm trying to make plans, trying to be excited for my future. I'm moving to a new city soon, I'll meet new people, maybe I'll try dating again, it could be nice to find a bf. I really am trying to do something, to rebuild a new life, but it's all so confusing.

Honestly I'm not even sure what I'm asking, I just feel so confused and lost and scared. I want to get better, I know I can get better but I don't know how to stop thinking like a suicidal person.

 

[Abyss Dweller]

I need to learn how to live.

This sounds like the perfect plan. <3

I feel so developmentally stunted.

People live life at their own pace. Allow yourself to live at yours.

I may have mentioned this a few times already on this website but I think it really is a good insight what my psychologist said once: we got so used being depressed mess that we have a hard time doing things differently. It may also become like a home for us and we can quickly find ourselves in the same mindset. But it doesn't have to stay like that forever. We no longer need it, we no longer enjoy it, maybe we never did. So with small steps we just may move away from that chain of thoughts that trying to keep us in the dark.