Help I don't know how to continue

[Bvnrot]

I just finished highschool and my mental health is in shambles; I've been feeling extremely dysphoric (MtF) for the past few months and I've barely even improved after starting HRT. I'm always second guessing myself and I've suffered from intrusive thoughts all of my life.
My friendships are falling apart by the day and I feel stuck with my partner, who frankly doesn't deserve a girlfriend as shitty as I am. My parents wouldn't let me transition if they knew and won't send me in another region for uni so I have to decide whether to run away from home or CTB in the next few months.
I always try being nice to people (and I feel like a piece of shit for saying this) but I never get "anything" out of it. People still see me as a weird random guy, I can't make any new friends and the few people I talk to, distance themselves after a few days.
I know for a fact that I'm the problem but for some reason no one I talk about it with admits it.
I've started drinking, smoking, and SHing in the past few weeks; nowadays I mostly just lie in bed all day and I've gradually lost all of my hobbies. I have no aspirations in life and frankly I don't even know what course to take if I live long enough to go to uni.
I don't know if I even want to improve at this point, I just feel so angry at the world and frankly at everyone for being like this. I don't know what's wrong with me. How do I continue?

 

[timf]

You sound like you are at the confluence of several life altering changes such as HS to Uni, M2F, home, to independence, and exploring chemical experimentation. Any of these changes by themselves can hold the potential for changing your mind or wanting to make path changes. You are probably at the most perplexing point of your life trajectory. The problem is you are making decisions without the benefit of life experiences to know what those changes can result in.

Cautionary advice is to go as slow as you can and sort of put your "toe" in the water to see what you can determine to see if you want to go further. There are people who go all the way through college and get a professional degree that they find is unsatisfactory and end up in a job like welding because they find it more fulfilling. One thing the future hold is not just mistakes, but the opportunity to correct them and make changes so that you can experiment and adapt to tne circumstances and eventually build the life you find rewarding.