Venting I don't know how to call this, it's just me venting abt my life :/

[TheLakesKrueguer]

The desire to "not exist" began in my life really soon, I was in elementary school. I hadn't the words or the capacity of understanding it was suicide, but the feeling was already there. I remember being sexually abused by a family member when I was like 8 or 9... When I was 11 or 12, I began to hurt myself, etc.
Today, I am 18, it's been years since, and it's worse than ever. I stopped cutting myself, I stopped drinking pills hoping not waking up the next day... But for the last year, I've been vomiting every day, I've lost 100 pounds already (I used to be obese, obviously not anymore, not with the right method that's sure).
I am moving to another country in 2 months for my studies, and I am thinking to commit suicide there, I think it will be easier, and I don't want anybody to see my body.
The thing is, I never spoke about this cuz I feel my friends or family because I feel shame and weak. I don't consider myself with the right to suffer, and I can't understand why. I also think that my friends are going to leave me behind if they get to know this. Not only that, but I think that I am waiting bulimia to kill me from a heart attack or something because I don't have the strength to cut myself anymore.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds awful and tiring what you've been through, in my case I've always certainly wished to not exist. But anyway I wish you the best with your plans.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

What you've been through is so awful and not having anyone to talk to about true thoughts and desires is even more painful. Ihope you can find peace in the new location you're planning to move to.