I don’t feel real unless I’m depressed

[ymimi0103]

I feel guilty for having that feeling since I know that many people with depression struggle with not feeling like a real person. But every-time I try to picture myself heathy and mentally stable, I just feel disgusted. Imagining myself dressing nice, watching shows, going out with friends just makes me feel wrong. It makes me like if someone made you sleep in a room with your least favorite color. Or if you decided to center your career around something you hate. I don't feel like a real person when I accomplish things or go out. I just feel like a character. Maybe I've just been depressed for so long that it's a comfort to me now. But it just makes me more depressed that it seems like it's my only personality trait..
Either way it's too late to change lol. Already being at this point is a sign I'm too far gone