Haku
Walking ThePathOfSorrow, destination Denebokshiri
- Oct 12, 2019
- 270
I couldn't figure out how to delete this thread, so I just edited it. So, I tried to ctb a little earlier today, for a couple hours, and I just couldnt do it. I had been practicing the night night method for 5 months, this was before I became a member, and I always felt like I got the positioning right, marked the spots on my neck with a marker where I thought the carotid arteries were, and I would try to practice with a webbed belt and tightly rolled up socks, and I never passed out from it, closest was feeling the pressure in my head, but that's it. So once I became a member, I decided to still try for NN, but also wanted to have SN as backup, and I had my ctb date set for this mid December. So some stuff happened today where I felt like I emotionally hurt someone, didnt mean to, but yea, guess it happened, and I have BPD witch some of you probably already know from reading some of my past posts. I am a person that has lost the ability to love, whether it be family love, friend love, and falling in love. but with my BPD, I tend to feel like i am falling in love with someone if i get close to them. There is another word for it, but I forgot what it's called, my brain isnt as good as it used to be sorry. So there was this person, a member of the forum, not going to mention this person's user out of privacy, and we became friends, this is a woman btw, and we kind of connected off of the forum as well, not in person, but on a private social media app, and me and this person relate quite a bit, and we enjoyed talking to each other, talking about the method we chose, personal likes, etc. So after a few days, this is where my BPD kicks in, partially at least, I think, idk, and I start to feel like I am falling for this person, but a part of me feels like it's because we have quite a bit in common, like not just a few things, its scared me a bit of how much we relate, I feel like this person is like the woman version of me, so yes, you might see how I would feel compatible with this person. So this person likes me very much, but as a friend, sometimes it doesnt feel that way though, I'm not going to get much into it, but this person is in love with an ex that no longer feels the same way for her, and I feel like it has a hold on her mind, and i dont like to get to involved in someone's life, because I have enough people that hate me already, and this woman, yes, I didnt want to lose her, ironic huh that I dont want to lose someone when I am going to ctb soon, and even though I feel like I was developing feelings for this person, I didnt change my mind about ctb. So i felt like part of this girl liked me than more than a friend, but the majority of her mind was stuck on her ex, so I wanted to say something about it to her, but I dont like to intrude, and she told me if I wanted to say something, to say it, and I told her I didnt want to offend, so I mentioned it, and she was a little off by it, but she didnt mind I guess, so yea, that was the start of it. I ended up telling her how I felt, she was fine with it she said, but she cant feel the same because she didnt want to lose that last piece of love for her ex. Fast forward to today, after a few days of talking, and for hours, you'd think that she would kind of keep me at arms length because of what I mentioned to her, no, she wanted to talk to me, quite a bit, and I didnt mind at all, and so this is where things get complicated, even though she keeps mentioning her ex, it feels to me like she likes me more than a friend, and when I tell her, she says no we are just good friends that are going to ctb nothing more and yea, so if that's how she sees it, I try to not talk to her too much, as to not get to attached to her, but she always finds a way to lie me back in, so then I start asking some heavy questions, and I apologize in advance, because that's how I am, and so I bring up the whole ex thing, and I tell her, I want to win you over so you are not hurt by the thoughts of your ex when you ctb, so I was trying to help her, but also myself, kill 2 birds with 1 stone. And I felt like I would get her to open her eyes at times, but then she would revert back. And she had mentioned to me once that it would be nice to meet me in person and ctb together, and that is something I want as well, but, I told her that, it would be a bad Idea because of my BPD, and I already have feelings for this girl, and if I met her in person, it would be hard, especially if all she sees me as is a friend. That would hurt me quite a bit. I know people see having a relationship for a month or less is pointless, seeing as we will both ctb, I do too, a bit, but a part of me wants to regain that feeling of falling in love before I die, and to be loved, and not as a friend or family kind of love. So this person today or more like yesterday, found something that was given to her by her ex, and she started to cry, and I was upset that she got sad, not mad, but I felt like i was hurting for her, i didnt want to hear that a mental pain that she could make an effort to get rid of, was hurting her, on top of all the other pain she already has, so I mentioned to her that it would help if she destroyed the object that was given to her my her ex, in a way I was trying to detox her, trying not to push her to much, and I apologized right after as I always do, and she got a bit upset with me, and told me that she was not going to do that, I apologized again, and said it was just a suggestion, I told her that I'm not trying to force her to do anything she doesnt want to do, but like most of you know, I always want to help someone, but also, I was being a bit selfish, witch I hate myself for immensely, because I like this woman, and I want her to get rid of an optional pain, that's how I saw it at least, and I would have liked to win her over, and be able to ctb side by side with her. I know it sounds ridiculous, I'm sorry, but that's what I have always wanted, and I never thought it could be a possibility, until I met this woman. But then she got offended with me, and I got irritated, didnt start to hate her or anything, still like her quite a bit, but then she started getting stressed out and sad, and I realized, it was my fault, and so I told her I am sorry, maybe its best for you if your not friends with me, all I ever do is ruin everything, and I told her good luck, I'm sorry, and I hope she finds the peace she is looking for. Then I leave, 1 minute later, she messages me, telling me that it's not fair to her that I left that way, getting mad at me, and there is a part of me, that if I feel like someone is getting mad at me for no reason, I get mad back, so we went back in forth for a few minutes, she kept telling me that it is unfair of me to try to get her to fall for me, that all she wanted was a like minded friend to maybe ctb with, ditto. I didnt intend to fall for anyone on this forum, it had been years since I had fallen for anyone, I felt like it was impossible at this point, but then I met her, and I saw it as a big fuck you from the Universe, for having me meet someone that is the closest thing to a soulmate that I will ever find, close to the time that I am about to take my fucking life. After I met her, I couldnt seem to get away from her, my soul wouldn't let me, why the fuck did this have to happen at a time like this? So then ar the end of my conversation with this woman, after she called me back, and I couldn't ignore her like a normal person, she then ends up being the one leaving first. I was upset, it turned into a, who's going to storm off first competition. This girl is exactly like me, I wanted to hate her, but I just liked her more, but I did get very annoyed, and that's the farthest it got. So many of you know I have a way with words when it comes to comforting people, I have a way with words when it comes to getting under people's skin as well, so I said some things, not hateful things, but some harsh things, I would never ever mentally abuse anyone, including this this woman, especially this woman. So I said my things, and wouldn't you know, she came back, and we had our round 3, and after a bit, I was the first one to get my last word in, and then I told her I am sorry that i invaded your life, i didnt intend to do that, but you wanted nothing but the truth from me, and that's what I gave you, and I was hesitant to tell her how I feel, but she wanted to know and I told her. So I apologized one last time, sorry to bother you, I am going to ctb tonight, and you will never have to worry about me making your life worse than what it is, I dont want that for you, I was hoping to try to save your mind, so that you will have a more peaceful ctb departure, and was also trying to save myself at the same time, but I guess I failed, then 15 minutes later, she messaged me back, while I was attempting to do a possible goodbye thread, once I finished with the thread, took a look at the messages, and she asked me to please not leave her, I got a bit upset, and told her, why do you care about me this much to try to get me back here if I am just a friend to you? And I told her that, I need a good answer if I were to change my mind from ctb tonight, but didnt hear anything else from her. So then I started to try to ctb, was trying the NN method for an hour, and I couldn't get it to work, so then I got drunk and was trying to stab myself in the chest, made a tiny hole from the tip of the blade in my chest, it hurt like hell, being drunk did not feel like it helped reduce pain much, so then I tried to suffocate my self with a small plastic trash back, after a minute, my SI kicked in, and I stopped. I had no other way to ctb, and I was planning to order my SN tomorrow. So I got frustrated and started punching my face hard, I lost it for a bit, and then I just gave up, had a few cigarettes, and then told you all that I couldn't do it. And I'm sorry for all this, some of you took time to send me kind messages, and I didnt go through with ctb. Even though tonight was not successful, I still plan to ctb, I am not giving that up, so I will order my SN tomorrow, a friend is sending me meto, thank you btw if you read this, and as soon as I get everything, I will go to a hotel for a few days for the regime, and I will ctb by SN, but I will go as soon as I get everything I need, will not be waiting for my original date. So, I will do a legitimate goodbye post, as soon as I'm ready, I wont cry ctb next time and back out again. And I know alot of this thread sounds like High School bullshit, and I'm sorry, im 27 btw, I never intended to make the thread this long, I am not good at summarizing, sorry, this took me 2 hours to type. To make up for it, I'm taking someehatbof a break from the forum, only come on every once and awhile, and I promise, no more threads from me for awhile, unless I have a question, but I think I have all the info I need for SN. And I am worried about the person I mentioned, she has not posted anything since I spoke to her, and she didnt write a goodbye thread, so I hope she didnt jump the gun like I tried to, then I am just going to hate myself even more for not being successful tonight.
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