I can't take it all anymore.

[k.mihaaa]

I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to commit suicide so badly I can't do anything. I want to poison, hang, strangulate, suffocate myself or jump off. I just wish I could end it right in this moment, without any pain and immediate. I can't even put into words how much of an urge it is and wished people would respect other's choices and stop locking up suicidal people and labelling suicide as a crime/murder or selfish act. My chest aches whenever I remember I don't have any actual and proper control over my life and whether I am alive or not. People who say life will get better piss me off. People who can't see from another perspective piss me off. People who can't handle other's choices piss me off. Everyone pisses me off. Everything pisses me off and I hate all this bullshit. "There's someone who'd be sad if you died!!" I GET IT STOP GUILT TRIPPING ME I GET IT THAT THEY'D BE IN PAIN I'D ALSO BE BUT STOP SAYING THAT EVERY SINGLE TIME. I want to kill myself so badly I feel like I'll puke.

 

[Bishop]

Your body your choice.

 

[Mrs. T-800]

I hear you.
This is literally the worst headspace to be in. The "dark cloud" which is all-consuming suicidality and self-hatred, blocking out any light or anything that tries to get through. It's so miserable.
I know you don't wish for betterment, or positivity, but I am (for better or worse) a serial optimist (despite the circumstance); so, I will say, despite everything, there is a bit of agency. We can choose the words we say, the faces we make, the foods we eat, a few things like this. It's not as much control as is nice, but it's something. It takes a little edge off to remember that, at least for me. I hope it can ease your pain in some degree.

 

[discoelysiumplayer]

my feelings exactly. having no straight method is hell and having to hear to just "endure it" is exhausting. i've endured my whole life, when the hell do i get a break. wish there were laws for people that just want to go into that good night but alas, we have to live to suffer

 

[LetMeOut67]

Decades of chronic isolation and they expect me to carry on

Funny

 

[SoLowHollow48]

I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to commit suicide so badly I can't do anything. I want to poison, hang, strangulate, suffocate myself or jump off. I just wish I could end it right in this moment, without any pain and immediate. I can't even put into words how much of an urge it is and wished people would respect other's choices and stop locking up suicidal people and labelling suicide as a crime/murder or selfish act. My chest aches whenever I remember I don't have any actual and proper control over my life and whether I am alive or not. People who say life will get better piss me off. People who can't see from another perspective piss me off. People who can't handle other's choices piss me off. Everyone pisses me off. Everything pisses me off and I hate all this bullshit. "There's someone who'd be sad if you died!!" I GET IT STOP GUILT TRIPPING ME I GET IT THAT THEY'D BE IN PAIN I'D ALSO BE BUT STOP SAYING THAT EVERY SINGLE TIME. I want to kill myself so badly I feel like I'll puke.

Sorry if I get personal but has therapy been working so far? And if not, have you tried switching therapists? If you've gone to a psychiatrist and are currently on some meds, have you inquired them for a change in prescription if nothing changed?

My ex who committed suicide was like this too with depression. She tried therapy and meds but instead of finding recovery, she found this site and concluded death as being the absolute answer to her agony.

Mental illness is like fighting a neverending battle and it will always be challenging but day by day, you spot the patterns, recognize triggers, and you learn how to adapt in this chaos. I think that's what people are trying to say by saying "it gets easier" or "it gets better".

I find that isolation makes these thoughts worse so I'm glad that you came here and I'm relieved that most visitors have left very sympathetic and encouraging comments on your thread. Ignore the shitty rage-bait ones. Most people here are generally supportive and are more likely to care for you than troll you or push you to ctb.

They ain't the real ones and I hope the mods ban them. Freedom of speech my ass bruh if it threatens and pushes a person to hurt others and themselves.

 

[itsgone2]

Exactly. I want out.

 

[cursedlife]

man I want this pain and suffering to end so badly but at the same time I know I have risk being a vegetable to end this pain ,why life has to be this painful

 

[k.mihaaa]

Sorry if I get personal but has therapy been working so far? And if not, have you tried switching therapists? If you've gone to a psychiatrist and are currently on some meds, have you inquired them for a change in prescription if nothing changed?

My ex who committed suicide was like this too with depression. She tried therapy and meds but instead of finding recovery, she found this site and concluded death as being the absolute answer to her agony.

Mental illness is like fighting a neverending battle and it will always be challenging but day by day, you spot the patterns, recognize triggers, and you learn how to adapt in this chaos. I think that's what people are trying to say by saying "it gets easier" or "it gets better".

I find that isolation makes these thoughts worse so I'm glad that you came here and I'm relieved that most visitors have left very sympathetic and encouraging comments on your thread. Ignore the shitty rage-bait ones. Most people here are generally supportive and are more likely to care for you than troll you or push you to ctb.

They ain't the real ones and I hope the mods ban them. Freedom of speech my ass bruh if it threatens and pushes a person to hurt others and themselves.

I currently can't get therapy. I wish, but I can't due to multiple reasons. Prescribed medication would most likely help, but again, I can't get therapy. I have some other hopes that I'll maybe get better without therapy but I'm not sure about them either.

I'm glad I have found this site, and it kind of made me think twice about committing suicide rather than make me commit even more. Most people here (either discussing their own experience or reacting) comfort me a lot more than those who just slap a hotline into my face.