Venting I can't stop thinking about suicide.

[salvatuamor]

Hi. I have been deteriorating mentally for a long time now, but these past few months have really taken a toll on me. I've thought about many ways to ctb; crashing a car at high speed (which i dont want to do because the car i use isn't my own car), drowning (i found a method on here that seemed easy enough), or jumping (thought i dont know a place where id jump from around here). its been disturbing me greatly and i wonder if anyone else understands how it feels. just want to talk to someone about it all, since i cant open up to anyone else in my personal life without them trying to talk me down. i don't want to be encouraged, either, i just need to talk.

 

[Justnotme]

Hello. You are not alone at all, there are incredibly many people with the same inner state on the forum. And there are also a lot of people with the same condition all over the world, but these people can be silent and carefully hide their thoughts and their condition, so it seems that there are very few such people, but this is not the case

May I ask why exactly are you feeling unwell?

 

[salvatuamor]

Hello. You are not alone at all, there are incredibly many people with the same inner state on the forum. And there are also a lot of people with the same condition all over the world, but these people can be silent and carefully hide their thoughts and their condition, so it seems that there are very few such people, but this is not the case

May I ask why exactly are you feeling unwell?

a lot of it is feelings of worthlessness, having to mooch so much off of my family and loves, and just general job troubles. the day to day life is not made for me and i can barely have an escape from it. i dont have the heart to leave my current life as someone who is still alive, since its all ive know since i was 12.
apologies for being so vague. i fear ill be found.

 

[SamTam33]

Hell yes, I get it. I pray that no one texts or ask me what I'm doing because I might be compelled to start talking about inert gases and turkey bags.

It's literally all I can think about. I'm supposed to be practicing my answers for a virtual job fair and a virtual interview tomorrow, but I'm obsessed with researching different methods.

I feel like I can't do much of anything else until I get this method squared away.

It's all-consuming and overwhelming. It makes me nauseous/anxious whenever I pause or try to "walk away" from the thoughts. So I stay and keep reading.

 

[theboy]

I understand you

Sometimes we go through long days of thinking about suicidal depression.

If you want to talk, I'm here

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm sorry life has brought you here. I think the first time I considered suicide, it did frighten me- I was pretty young though- aged 10. For me, I guess I'd just internalised what people around me and society itself feels about it. In truth, now I can't even imagine living without those thoughts.

Do you know what it is that worries you about them? For me, they are a burden simply because I don't think it's something I can follow through with for the time being- and perhaps not at all- I'm a terrible coward. It can feel intensely frustrating.

Also, contemplating the practicalities of methods does feel like we are edging nearer to actually doing it. I'm not sure if that fear is an indication there is still a part of us that wants to live or whether it is simply because it is a scary thing.

It's all unknowns at the end of the day- there's the fear of failing, fear of possible pain, fear of an afterlife (if you even entertain that). I think a lot of us are fearful of the unknown and it can feel as if our brains are pushing us towards it with persistent self destructive thoughts. I'm sorry you are in such a dark place. I hope you can find relief.

 

[FuneralCry]

Existing can certainly be tiring and cruel as there is no real relief from ourselves and our thoughts. I get that it can be dreadful when life just gets worse, causing us to experience more suffering. Your feelings of wanting to escape from it all are understandable and I hate the fact that it can be so difficult to leave this life that we never asked for behind. I will never stop thinking of suicide as long as I continue to exist in this world, it would be impossible for me. Wanting to die is all that I've known and is what makes sense for me.
I wish you the best.

 

[DinoThopter]

Well you are in good company here friend. Ever since I hit puberty a sense of dread has hanged over me. It has never gone away. At times is will get better, but it is always looming and always returns. It is pretty bad for me right now, hoping this stretch only lasts a few days and not a few months. The thoughts come throughout the day, similar to what you describe. Thinking of steering of the road on my commutes, thinking of a shot to head when no one is home, remembering an old friend who tried to touch they sky from the tallest building on campus and how I would like to join him, or maybe something more gruesome but unrealistic. Just have to take it one day at a time and hope it gets better sooner rather than later.

 

[Idontmatter]

I can relate. I've been suicidal for years but now it's in my head 24/7. I'm exhausted from the depression and anxiety. I have a lot of self hatred. I'm hoping to finally ctb in a couple of weeks. I would say you are more than welcome to talk to me but I was told by someone on here that I wasn't helpful because I hated myself to much.

 

[salvatuamor]

i had a really bad day today. my only solace lately is self harm. my love knows about it and tries to discourage me but i keep going back to my blade over and over. my thighs have never looked worse and ive started to mark up my arm too. my skin is ugly with scars and i hate them. i wish i could go deeper than the white stuff and see some fat, but i fear having huge scars and i cannot go to a hospital in fear of having a big hospital bill.

a lot of the reason i feel so suicidal is because i feel worthless. i have been nothing but a mooch and a leach against everyone i love lately and its tearing me apart. no matter how hard i work, i feel useless and i never make enough to get by anymore. i dont know if i ever will. i want to go to college soon and im going to be paying lower rent soon, but i feel so burdensome and i owe so many bills and debts at such a young age, i dont see the point in living through it anymore. it always gets worse and worse.

that and the paranoia. i have been getting borderline schizophrenic-kind of hallucinations, delusions, and the deepest sense of paranoia ive ever felt in my life. i am going fucking insane and i do not put it lightly. my parent has been diagnosed with schizophrenia and bipolar so i fear i have much of the same, on top of crippling autism that cost me my most recent job.

i dont see a lot of hope going forward, but im also too cowardly to end it all. who knows what will happen in the coming months or years. i just have to live to see, i guess.

i also like to read people's goodbye threads here. i guess they calm me down a bit, in a weird way; i hope that doesnt sound insulting or offensive. it kind of helps me realize that there is a way out and while i dont know if its the right way for me or not, there are others who have had success and have hopefully found peace with it. its a way to rationalize myself when im the most unstable.

I can relate. I've been suicidal for years but now it's in my head 24/7. I'm exhausted from the depression and anxiety. I have a lot of self hatred. I'm hoping to finally ctb in a couple of weeks. I would say you are more than welcome to talk to me but I was told by someone on here that I wasn't helpful because I hated myself to much.

Well you are in good company here friend. Ever since I hit puberty a sense of dread has hanged over me. It has never gone away. At times is will get better, but it is always looming and always returns. ... (cont)

Existing can certainly be tiring and cruel as there is no real relief from ourselves and our thoughts. I get that it can be dreadful when life just gets worse, causing us to experience more suffering... (cont)

I'm sorry life has brought you here. I think the first time I considered suicide, it did frighten me- I was pretty young though- aged 10. For me, I guess I'd just internalised what people around me and society itself feels about it. In truth, now I can't even imagine living without those thoughts.
... (cont)

I understand you... (cont)

i cant respond to all of you individually, but i hope my thread kind of covered all bases. it feels a bit better getting it all written out. thank you all for the warm welcome.

 

[DinoThopter]

i had a really bad day today. my only solace lately is self harm. my love knows about it and tries to discourage me but i keep going back to my blade over and over. my thighs have never looked worse and ive started to mark up my arm too. my skin is ugly with scars and i hate them. i wish i could go deeper than the white stuff and see some fat, but i fear having huge scars and i cannot go to a hospital in fear of having a big hospital bill.

a lot of the reason i feel so suicidal is because i feel worthless. i have been nothing but a mooch and a leach against everyone i love lately and its tearing me apart. no matter how hard i work, i feel useless and i never make enough to get by anymore. i dont know if i ever will. i want to go to college soon and im going to be paying lower rent soon, but i feel so burdensome and i owe so many bills and debts at such a young age, i dont see the point in living through it anymore. it always gets worse and worse.

that and the paranoia. i have been getting borderline schizophrenic-kind of hallucinations, delusions, and the deepest sense of paranoia ive ever felt in my life. i am going fucking insane and i do not put it lightly. my parent has been diagnosed with schizophrenia and bipolar so i fear i have much of the same, on top of crippling autism that cost me my most recent job.

i dont see a lot of hope going forward, but im also too cowardly to end it all. who knows what will happen in the coming months or years. i just have to live to see, i guess.

i also like to read people's goodbye threads here. i guess they calm me down a bit, in a weird way; i hope that doesnt sound insulting or offensive. it kind of helps me realize that there is a way out and while i dont know if its the right way for me or not, there are others who have had success and have hopefully found peace with it. its a way to rationalize myself when im the most unstable.







i cant respond to all of you individually, but i hope my thread kind of covered all bases. it feels a bit better getting it all written out. thank you all for the warm welcome.

I feel a lot of what you said.

I've been stuck in a cycle lately where Ive been frustrated and am grumpy and mean to my partner, which then makes me upset at myself for being an ass to the one good person in my life which puts me back in a sour mood.

I also have autism and a family history of schizophrenia, so my worrying about my mental health and trying to mask in society adds to the stress.

And the debt man. How fucking ridiculous is it that to even participate in the world we must fall into debt of some kind. That part I am working on, partner is getting another job and I might get a second one too. Its sad but maybe if we can get out of the debt trap, life will be a little nicer.

And yes there is some comfort in knowing that there is always a failsafe. I have mine in a drawer and it funnily has improved my outlook since getting it. Hope your week improves.

 

[salvatuamor]

I feel a lot of what you said.... (cont)

much love to you. its comforting to know that someones in a very similar situation right now. im currently moving back to my hometown so im hoping things will look up.

 

[lifeORdeath]

I can relate. Either thinking of suicide or doom that makes me think if suicide. I can't to myself uncontrollably sometimes "I'm gonna die" or "the end is near" and sometimes folks hear me.