Venting I can't stand my mother anymore please give some advice

[Burning_soul]

I've just come off spring break and I'm starting back in uni today but feel like I've gotten no break at all with my mother insisting we look at programs over the entire break besides the first two suffocating days where I was stuck with the entire family (leading to a lot of argumentation/toxicity on her end constantly since my parents living situation is my father being out every other week and my siblings also living their own lives out of home).

For context, when I was 17 I made my first serious attempt and got found out for cutting a LOT. I've always had pretty bad executive dysfunction and this has all led to my mother justifying always being down my throat about everything. It was especially difficult with my excuse of a father deciding to move his work so he's out every other week to admittedly get away from her since I was 15 which left me completely alone with her half the time and take the full brunt of her insanity. All she does is worry and put me down and it is horrible for the extreme anxiety disorder I primarily formed due to her behavior. For many years I lived without a doorknob due to this obsession she has with having control over everything since I was in first grade and my father banged so hard it broke apart and my parents would laugh about how I constantly asked for a knee one and I've reinstalled the door knob a few years ago but coming back wake up to her NOT EVEN TRYING to knock, but immediately picking at the door which constantly brings me back to that experience.

She puts all her issues onto me. She's an alcoholic and I've been the only person to see how crazy she gets (driving under the influence, screaming and trying to harm me when I tried to keep her from doing something harmful/regretful like trying to give a ton of money to a drive through worker to "leave their job") which she has repeatedly denied and forgotten due to how inebriated she was. She told me to not go to college and I wouldn't get anywhere anyways (I had the best standing of everyone and everyone in my family has the blessing of being well educated+got into the uni she said I shouldn't even bother applying to since I'm not good enough and wouldn't get in anyways) because of my difficulty socializing and unwanted personality a few years back when I had the crisis which just made it worse- it was always that or full throttle control on how everything needs to be for college. She only ever speaks to me to lay on her worries, diminish me, or literally scream orders at me around (eating, showering, brushing teeth, drinking water, taking meds, even doing assignments and studying when that was something I was already doing consistently and successfully with a lot of my anxiety going towards). I know this is immature but I've always had really bad demand avoidance so this debilitated me and she has responded by continuing to scream orders due to this, along with calling me the r slur and treating me like I'm completely incompetent because of my neurodivergence (I am high functioning, can speak full sentences, take care of myself on my own mostly, and don't have intellectual disabilities.) Now that im in uni, she spams everyone around me (acquaintances and people we barely know) to tell them to tell me to do the orders which is really embarrassing and how Im not responding, my history with SH and CTB, how I can't handle living on my own (I HAVE BEEN AND IVE BEEN DOING FINE). Over this break she has kept promising she wouldn't wake me up, and let me get over 7 hours of sleep, but not one night has she actually done that. She deliberately waked me up at 5 am even if there was nothing to do so I got no rest either. I also hate physical contact and she always tries to touch me because she knows I don't like it and finds it funny when I flinch and try to push her away when she knows I have a dark history with that.

Now im back into studying constantly and feel mentally drained. I have morning classes and due to her influence am taking 5 difficult classes. She keeps spamming me and doing the thing where she contacts everyone and keeps calling me. I try to ignore her but it sucks since she always makes me out to be the insane one and my family is my primary means of financial support. It's like I'm her only hobby and I'll never forgive the rest of the family for abandoning me to face the brunt of her behaviour. I've tried slowly cutting her off but her persistence has no end and when I tell my therapist, he just listens to me and doesn't say anything on how I can better my situation. Please help or console me in any way because I can't stand this anymore.

 

[scary]

First of all, I'm so sorry you're going through this, your own mother calling you the r word is absolutely vile. Escaping from an abusive parent when you're unable to move away from them is not easy I'll say, I'm sorry I can't give you anything other than "move out" (shitty advice I know) but it seems like I'd be the best option at this point.
From what I've read I'm assuming you're unable to do the Grey Rock Method, that being becoming as uninteresting/emotionless as possible to someone who thrives on conflict (like you said you've tried to ignore her and she supports you financially) but people like her feed on negativity. Demand avoidance is also not fun, I have that too so I don't think you're immature, it's just how your brain is wired.

Are there any after class activities that your uni provides that would not be mentally draining/somewhat fun for you? Getting away from her as long as you can, even if you're doing an activity might help. My sis goes to college and when she has the time off after classes she'll text me and play games on her laptop while she's in a nearby place like the school's café, library, or a sit-in fast food place to de-stress after class. Places like McDonald's from what I've read generally let you sit in for a bit without buying anything (During a hurricane one year me and my family had to do that since our house had no air conditioning or electricity) even then the dollar menu for some foods and the soda/water dispenser is still there if you're worried about being kicked out and have the cash on you to be able to do that (you could even do your assignments there instead of at home)

My advice is probably useless to you if she forces you to come home at a certain time after school, which quite literally is illegal when you're an adult. I still live with my parents and am also dealing with abusive family members. It gives you the mindset (or even reality) that you're just trapped in that scenario forever with no way out especially if your circumstances prevent you from leaving for a long period of time if at all.

I'm just yapping at this point, sorry again for the shitty advice Burning I really hope you're able to find a way to escape from this.

 

[Burning_soul]

First of all, I'm so sorry you're going through this, your own mother calling you the r word is absolutely vile. Escaping from an abusive parent when you're unable to move away from them is not easy I'll say, I'm sorry I can't give you anything other than "move out" (shitty advice I know) but it seems like I'd be the best option at this point.
From what I've read I'm assuming you're unable to do the Grey Rock Method, that being becoming as uninteresting/emotionless as possible to someone who thrives on conflict (like you said you've tried to ignore her and she supports you financially) but people like her feed on negativity. Demand avoidance is also not fun, I have that too so I don't think you're immature, it's just how your brain is wired.

Are there any after class activities that your uni provides that would not be mentally draining/somewhat fun for you? Getting away from her as long as you can, even if you're doing an activity might help. My sis goes to college and when she has the time off after classes she'll text me and play games on her laptop while she's in a nearby place like the school's café, library, or a sit-in fast food place to de-stress after class. Places like McDonald's from what I've read generally let you sit in for a bit without buying anything (During a hurricane one year me and my family had to do that since our house had no air conditioning or electricity) even then the dollar menu for some foods and the soda/water dispenser is still there if you're worried about being kicked out and have the cash on you to be able to do that (you could even do your assignments there instead of at home)

My advice is probably useless to you if she forces you to come home at a certain time after school, which quite literally is illegal when you're an adult. I still live with my parents and am also dealing with abusive family members. It gives you the mindset (or even reality) that you're just trapped in that scenario forever with no way out especially if your circumstances prevent you from leaving for a long period of time if at all.

I'm just yapping at this point, sorry again for the shitty advice Burning I really hope you're able to find a way to escape from this.

It means a lot already that you've even responded to me since my only interaction has been with the lovely people on this forum or dealing with her...

I do engage with a fine arts club and work for my uni's publication as an editor but she tracks my location (giant freak out if I turn it off or I'm not responding to her messages if I left my phone at my dorm) and demands my attention even if she knows I'm out (hell one time she was messaging me during an exam she knew I was in and blew up about my lack of response). It's hard to enjoy things since every extracurricular turns into something I need to refine for my resume, every relationship turns into an issue to her that's "wasting my life" and god forbid I take a break or she thinks Im slacking off/something is wrong with me. All I want is to do less, really. It's so draining to work all the time and produce. Libraries are good for me but it doesn't make much of a difference since she has no regard for what I am doing.


Coming from a really wealthy household, the laws on independent adulthood and protection of children in abusive households of wealthy parents is useless from my experience. She can always ultimately hold my tuition over me if I don't listen she has the means to contact people around me which threatens my social situation a lot.

I'm planning on getting an MD and getting out of my situation so what you said actually reminded me there is an end to all of this (otherwise I'm CTBing or praying her lifestyle leads to an early death, I can't live like this anymore)! It's just so difficult to see things that way when you've lived your whole life being told you're incapable of gaining independence. I'm glad I don't hold strong emotional ties to my family so it will be easier for me to leave. Thank you so much you made me feel a bit less crazy in all this

 

[easypeasy]

I had an accident and now have a disability and chronic pain that's forcing me back to live with my mother who betrayed me many times, and lies to me and has been helpful to me in choosing my coffin (knowing I want to end things). My advice for you… from someone older..with a mother I cat around (because I either want to kill her or myself)….

If you have your health…find a way… come up with a plan to create your own future and family… without her.

If I had my time over, I'd have really put my head down, met someone sooner and got away.

Your environment impacts us so much but you have options if you have your health.

Retain your power by doing inner work to recognise her as a human being who is damaged. You are your own person. You are going to help so many people. And that will also be very healing for you.

I also had wealthy parents and abuse and neglect was very targeted at me. Before I became disabled, I was independent, earned 6 figures…etc… so it's devastating for me to be forced near her again.

There's hope for you because you have your health so you have options. Use them.

I apologise if my words aren't helpful. I was triggered reading your post so I skimmed parts to protect myself. You ca start a new family with a woman or ma opposite to her. Don't let anyone stop you from living a happy life, including your mother.

Get a plan together for your future. Xo