Venting I can't recognize the person that used to be happy.

[Gstreater]

Whenever I think about my past self, the person that struggled, cried felt hurt and yet was still happy I can't really remember how that person did it. I don't even have motivation to get myself to look presentable but the person I was around three years ago forced themselves to do so much to see the smile of one woman. I'll never understand that person because they were fueled by such love that it didn't matter how bad the day was.

 

[Halfhourdays]

What happened to her? Is she still part of your life?

 

[ThatGuyOverThere]

I used to think like this about my younger years (I to an extent still do), but I realised that my happiness from my childhood, was all manufactured, I was never really happy I was simply just smiling to keep up appearances, and to fit in, which convinced people. My mother tells me that she misses the younger happier me. asking me were it went? But the reality is that it was never really there, I have merely just, as I convinced others that I has happy, I have also done the same to my memories of my younger years, I have managed to trick even myself into thinking that my life was at some point good, which I used to trick myself into believing was still achievable, and that through hard work I could return to that, that I could once again be happy, which I never really was.

I have found that the only thing that changed from my supposed happier younger years, was that I have stopped putting on a fake smile and caring about what others think of me, it's some what freeing, but all it did was free me from my motivation to continue my old miserable life.

 

[Jadeith]

Whenever I think about my past self, the person that struggled, cried felt hurt and yet was still happy I can't really remember how that person did it. I don't even have motivation to get myself to look presentable but the person I was around three years ago forced themselves to do so much to see the smile of one woman. I'll never understand that person because they were fueled by such love that it didn't matter how bad the day was.

I see some some similarities to my situation. I remember being happy and not just being told to be happy or look happy. I mean genuinely happy. Not all the time of course but i remember feeling it. I had hobbies. I enjoyed doing things. Had energy to do them. It's almost all gone now. Friend of mine told me that depression can do such things to a person. Do i have it? Dunno. Never went to a doctor to have my head checked. Maybe i should but it feels like waste of resources, in my case at least. Not being worthy of effort and money.

 

[aiyuxhan]

I feel this. Last time I was authentically happy even during sad times was before I was chronically ill and disabled with chronic pain 24/7. I don't know that happy woman anymore. I grieve and mourn my old happy self and life everyday :/

 

[Gstreater]

What happened to her? Is she still part of your life?

Yeah but so much happened that it's impossible for them to give me that happiness and motivation.