Venting i can't open up to anyone, not even to my therapist

[daisyrandone]

i see my therapist usually twice a week. i feel like i'm wasting her time every session.

i can't bring myself to talk about how i really feel, for various reasons, the first being fear of being sent away. i've been hospitalized due to issues surrounding suicide attempts/cutting a total of 5 times and would sacrifice anything to erase them from the past. i could go on about my second reason for hours, but to make it as brief as possible, embarrassment is a huge trigger of dangerous thoughts for me. therapy is supposed to be the place i can say anything in without being shunned, but i never let myself talk about feelings i feel are embarrassing to have other people know. my third and final(?) reason is that i'm afraid of looking like i'm exaggerating my symptoms for attention. i'm sure some of you could relate.

i feel empty all day long. i want to kill myself. even if i did tell her to what extent my emotions have returned, i don't think she'd get it at all. i constantly feel nauseous thinking about attending any events or meetings or appointments, everything. i don't want to be alive. i want to disappear from my friends and family's memories. when i'm not feeling "cloudy" (for lack of a better term), a majority of the time i'll be difficult to deal with and easy to anger, volatile, even. i can never be happy. i always have a sick feeling in my chest, like my heart is sore or maybe being physically struck. i don't think she'd understand how bad it hurts, how terrible i feel, my guilt, my anger, any emotion you could associate with sadness. i'm so sensitive. it ends up making me mad. i don't want her to even attempt to try to comprehend how i feel. i don't want advice from her, i don't want her to encourage me to get better.

at this point i just want her to go away. i'm a burden to her and we waste both of our time. i don't want to be helped.

 

[Innereye]

The best person for you to be open with is yourself. Trace the roots of why you feel like this and from there can figure out where to go.


In cases as pathological as this, if you want to feel better, it might be wise to look at treatments targeting your underlying neurochemical structures such as TMS and ECT.

 

[Praying 4 a Miracle]

The world needs to expand legal assisted dying programs quickly, the global suffering crisis must be solved once and for all, enough is enough. Recovery should always be the first priority if at all possible, but if not, then legal VAD & MAID programs need to be accessible to all adults who decide they are suffering intolerantly.