Venting I can't do it

[Purefly]

This is a short one I'm just gonna ramble and hope it'll come together, I don't think I can do it. I said I'd ctb Halloween night and I'm still here, I said I'd do it two weeks later no matter what and yet I'm still here, flash forward my birthday was not too long ago (about a week) and I still could not bring myself to do it

I'm scared, not of what mystery afterlife there might be or screwing up the method but I'm just scared. It's a misery that I'm constantly reminded of and I just can't bring myself to do it. I need a catalyst, an event so horrid so anguishing that I have no choice but to die, I hope that there will be something that leaves me with that option but for now I'll continue to torture myself with this existence