Sadboyspecimen
Member
- Feb 8, 2022
- 84
Sorry guys, but I have to rant. I'm so frustrated and angry and confused. I've been breaking down and crying for the past few days and I haven't stepped foot outside my apartment in over a week. I have only left to go to the store in the last month.
What the hell is life? Why do I even exist? Why if the theory of evolution is true was there even a space for the big bang to take place and set things in motion? Why if the theory of creationism is true do the Gods or Goddesses, or just God if from a Christian standpoint, leave me here to suffer. Why did they lead me to this point? What higher plan is there for me to be such a weak reject amongst the others?
I have been confused about the unspoken rules of society since the time I gained consciousness. I'm not dumb. I'm not smart either. But I just cannot understand the dynamics of things like self pride. Shit talking. Being offended. Making friends. I feel emotionless, yet overwhelmed with feelings of sadness. I feel attacked. I think I'm starting to understand that it has a lot to do with political values. I've literally ignored politics for my whole life though.
I can't even finish this rant honestly because my brain feels so absolutely fucked. The idea that I'm wasting all of these words since I can literally just kill myself and it will all of the sudden not matter anymore nor will have ever mattered in the first place is washing over me. And these thoughts permeate my brain with just about everything I do. Not enough money? I can kill myself. Don't want to go to that shitty job? I can kill myself. Said the wrong thing on accident that made someone you liked despise you? I can always just kill myself.
I don't want to die. There is so much beauty in this world that I have found. There is so much to learn and do. And I want so badly to do it. But there are things that are holding me back, and unfortunately will keep me from ever achieving what I truly want. I'm a dumbass. I'm sick of being threatened. I'm sick of being called a bitch. I'm sorry that I didn't grow up on the streets. I'm sorry I was priveleged. I didn't get a choice really. As crappy as that may be to hear someone bitch about.
Well that's all I guess. Not really sure if it was necessarily coherent as I've been isolating and starving myself off and on for the past month and it's starting to take it's toll. Hopefully soon I will ctb and end this stupid miserable existence.
What the hell is life? Why do I even exist? Why if the theory of evolution is true was there even a space for the big bang to take place and set things in motion? Why if the theory of creationism is true do the Gods or Goddesses, or just God if from a Christian standpoint, leave me here to suffer. Why did they lead me to this point? What higher plan is there for me to be such a weak reject amongst the others?
I have been confused about the unspoken rules of society since the time I gained consciousness. I'm not dumb. I'm not smart either. But I just cannot understand the dynamics of things like self pride. Shit talking. Being offended. Making friends. I feel emotionless, yet overwhelmed with feelings of sadness. I feel attacked. I think I'm starting to understand that it has a lot to do with political values. I've literally ignored politics for my whole life though.
I can't even finish this rant honestly because my brain feels so absolutely fucked. The idea that I'm wasting all of these words since I can literally just kill myself and it will all of the sudden not matter anymore nor will have ever mattered in the first place is washing over me. And these thoughts permeate my brain with just about everything I do. Not enough money? I can kill myself. Don't want to go to that shitty job? I can kill myself. Said the wrong thing on accident that made someone you liked despise you? I can always just kill myself.
I don't want to die. There is so much beauty in this world that I have found. There is so much to learn and do. And I want so badly to do it. But there are things that are holding me back, and unfortunately will keep me from ever achieving what I truly want. I'm a dumbass. I'm sick of being threatened. I'm sick of being called a bitch. I'm sorry that I didn't grow up on the streets. I'm sorry I was priveleged. I didn't get a choice really. As crappy as that may be to hear someone bitch about.
Well that's all I guess. Not really sure if it was necessarily coherent as I've been isolating and starving myself off and on for the past month and it's starting to take it's toll. Hopefully soon I will ctb and end this stupid miserable existence.
