Venting I can’t believe life went from that to this

[BlueButterfly111]

Like wow, I was just looking at pics of myself from 2 years ago, I was happier, I was thriving, and me and my boyfriend were falling love. Then he died and now it's almost 2 years later. It somehow feels like I barely remember it, and at the same time it's been the longest 2 years ever. I can't believe I finally felt happy in life, I finally had hope, and now? I'm back to barely surviving, barely existing, barely feeling real. Wondering why I'm still here, and yet still waking up everyday. I knew it was too good to be true, I'm not sure why this happened or what my purpose here is. I keep hoping one day I'll find it but time is ticking.

Edit: I feel like I was a character in one of those romantic movies where the characters fall in love, but one of them dies at the end, and now I'm literally just here, not knowing what to do after the movie ended, because the movie is over and I'm still here for no reason.

 

[bpdscared9]

Grieving is one, for me, of the scariest forms of healing. I can't imagine the immense pain you were back in the day, you're so strong for still being here after two long years, OP. You're doing great and I'm glad you're still part of us, during every difficult time.

 

[BlueButterfly111]

Grieving is one, for me, of the scariest forms of healing. I can't imagine the immense pain you were back in the day, you're so strong for still being here after two long years, OP. You're doing great and I'm glad you're still part of us, during every difficult time.

Awww, thank you so much! This is going to sound weird, but I kind of miss the grief that I felt back in the beginning. Don't get me wrong, the pain was immense, and I almost didn't make it through it, but at the same time there was a lot of beauty in the pain and grief, and the love and memories of him were more recent in my memory.

I mostly feel nothing nowadays, except irritation and anger, I'm still here but life is not great and I'm also having health issues, and chronic pain. A lot of times I wonder what I'm still doing here, but I guess I still have some hope for life.

 

[bpdscared9]

I'm glad you're not giving up anytime soon, it shows your strength and how much effort you're putting into this, OP. I'm so proud of you for still trying so hard.

But yes, it's pretty normal finding comfort in your sadness and grief, I think it's also part of healing since we get so used to the feeling of getting worse and worse but you did something very, very good and it was overcoming those feeling and getting out of there, that's huge and it's such a big achievement you should be very much proud of! Keep the good work.

About your chronic pain, I'm so sorry about to hear that, I can't imagine how it must be for you while dealing your own mental health and also your own problems, you're doing great. Hopefully life gets better for you always.