Venting I belong nowhere.

[AfriQuark]

I don't belong anywhere. No society, or community or friendgroup. And at this point it's likely just an inherent trait I have. I think it's a fundamental social disability, like a toxic form of autism that just materalizes in a way that just blocks the ability to build any form of relationships. I don't know about others, but for me I think in the stone age I would have just be left out to die in the wilderness. Evolutionarily, my genes isn't supposed to last this long.

So I've spent my whole life just existing, silently watching as everyone else had experiences. So in the most literal sense, I have no friends and I never really had friends. And the thing I learned is that I'm fundamentally not welcomed, even if I try my best. I feel like I'm tolerated at the very best, people will be nice enough because it's politie but I really shouldn't be there. And it's not due to a lack of trying. Literally everyone will say I haven't actually tried to socalize or form relatonships. But I have, the efforts just never work. I'm only reminded that I am socially undesitable adn I don't belong anywhere near people. It's not even hostility.

So I do think that killing myself is the most logical solution to my issue. It's not a tempoary problem and it doesn't get better. The problem is who I funadmentally. I personally just wish I was given the easy option to kill myself, like I can just pay the fine and go to some empty room to be shot.
I don't really know how I am going to kill myself just that that I don't want to be alive by the time I'm 30. I have nothing to experience in the future and there's no future that's worth the effort. I did hear about the sodium nitrates, mostly from the news and I decided to try that. Once I get paid I might just purchase the nitrates for an easy sollution. The only problem is that I am not sure where I'm supposed to buy them. I saw some on Amazon, but I'm not sure if it will be allowed to ship over given it's a chemical. T.

I think I prefer chemicals because it's easier to swallow something over jumping off a building or doing some other overtly violent thing. And I don't have a gun either. So if anyone has a source of sodium nitirates that can ship to the Caribeban without much hastle or questiosn asked I will appreciate that. It can also be any other deadly chemical, so long as it doesn't get anyone suspicious.

 

[jenson]

This. I could never put it into words

 

[Lyn]

I don't belong anywhere. No society, or community or friendgroup. And at this point it's likely just an inherent trait I have. I think it's a fundamental social disability, like a toxic form of autism that just materalizes in a way that just blocks the ability to build any form of relationships. I don't know about others, but for me I think in the stone age I would have just be left out to die in the wilderness. Evolutionarily, my genes isn't supposed to last this long.

So I've spent my whole life just existing, silently watching as everyone else had experiences. So in the most literal sense, I have no friends and I never really had friends. And the thing I learned is that I'm fundamentally not welcomed, even if I try my best. I feel like I'm tolerated at the very best, people will be nice enough because it's politie but I really shouldn't be there. And it's not due to a lack of trying. Literally everyone will say I haven't actually tried to socalize or form relatonships. But I have, the efforts just never work. I'm only reminded that I am socially undesitable adn I don't belong anywhere near people. It's not even hostility.

So I do think that killing myself is the most logical solution to my issue. It's not a tempoary problem and it doesn't get better. The problem is who I funadmentally. I personally just wish I was given the easy option to kill myself, like I can just pay the fine and go to some empty room to be shot.
I don't really know how I am going to kill myself just that that I don't want to be alive by the time I'm 30. I have nothing to experience in the future and there's no future that's worth the effort. I did hear about the sodium nitrates, mostly from the news and I decided to try that. Once I get paid I might just purchase the nitrates for an easy sollution. The only problem is that I am not sure where I'm supposed to buy them. I saw some on Amazon, but I'm not sure if it will be allowed to ship over given it's a chemical. T.

I think I prefer chemicals because it's easier to swallow something over jumping off a building or doing some other overtly violent thing. And I don't have a gun either. So if anyone has a source of sodium nitirates that can ship to the Caribeban without much hastle or questiosn asked I will appreciate that. It can also be any other deadly chemical, so long as it doesn't get anyone suspicious.

Nitrite. Not nitrAte. Please be careful if you'll decide to buy anything.

I feel you though. And I'm sorry you're going through this. I wish you luck in whatever you decide.

 

[darksouls]

I am so sorry you are suffering so much
that all sounds very cruel
I hope you find the relief you desire

 

[Foxcompany2nd3rd]

Wow....this speaks to me verbatim, its like as if I wrote this myself...my heart crys out for you brother/sister we are not so different. May you have peace, wealth, and love in another life.

 

[nobodycaresaboutme]

I understand you as an autist. I have no relationships (except therapeutic ones) too. Truly sorry you've been left alone.
Welcome to SaSu. I hope this community is able to make you feel supported and connected

 

[AfriQuark]

Wow....this speaks to me verbatim, its like as if I wrote this myself...my heart crys out for you brother/sister we are not so different. May you have peace, wealth, and love in another life.

Thanks. Best wishes to you.

I often wonder if there's just a subsection of the population that's socially defective. And if normal people know that on some level. Because it does seem that outside of suicide or mental health topics people will be very aggressive or dismissive to outcasts and openly cheer it on.

 

[Hollowman]

Very relatable unfortunately. Assisted suicide should be available for this reason. It's so fucked up that starving to death on the street is acceptable.

 

[nuva]

I'm sorry to hear that..I hope you find peace.

 

[SomedayorNexttime]

Bro oh my god, you don't know how much I relate.
I think I might have a disability too, but I don't have the money to get diagnosed. I relate so much to not having friends and being unable to make it in life.
I don't know if I should live until 30 or not. I made a post about a similar topic but after today I'm really sitting on what I want to do with myself and if I want to see the world in the future or not.

I don't want to be this person anymore and I wish it was easy to leave. But it isn't. I can only hope to hang.

 

[lunar02102009]

I don't belong anywhere. No society, or community or friendgroup. And at this point it's likely just an inherent trait I have. I think it's a fundamental social disability, like a toxic form of autism that just materalizes in a way that just blocks the ability to build any form of relationships. I don't know about others, but for me I think in the stone age I would have just be left out to die in the wilderness. Evolutionarily, my genes isn't supposed to last this long.

So I've spent my whole life just existing, silently watching as everyone else had experiences. So in the most literal sense, I have no friends and I never really had friends. And the thing I learned is that I'm fundamentally not welcomed, even if I try my best. I feel like I'm tolerated at the very best, people will be nice enough because it's politie but I really shouldn't be there. And it's not due to a lack of trying. Literally everyone will say I haven't actually tried to socalize or form relatonships. But I have, the efforts just never work. I'm only reminded that I am socially undesitable adn I don't belong anywhere near people. It's not even hostility.

So I do think that killing myself is the most logical solution to my issue. It's not a tempoary problem and it doesn't get better. The problem is who I funadmentally. I personally just wish I was given the easy option to kill myself, like I can just pay the fine and go to some empty room to be shot.
I don't really know how I am going to kill myself just that that I don't want to be alive by the time I'm 30. I have nothing to experience in the future and there's no future that's worth the effort. I did hear about the sodium nitrates, mostly from the news and I decided to try that. Once I get paid I might just purchase the nitrates for an easy sollution. The only problem is that I am not sure where I'm supposed to buy them. I saw some on Amazon, but I'm not sure if it will be allowed to ship over given it's a chemical. T.

I think I prefer chemicals because it's easier to swallow something over jumping off a building or doing some other overtly violent thing. And I don't have a gun either. So if anyone has a source of sodium nitirates that can ship to the Caribeban without much hastle or questiosn asked I will appreciate that. It can also be any other deadly chemical, so long as it doesn't get anyone suspicious.

You described my whole life , i love you even if you are a random stranger i dont know this could not be described by anyone else every.