Venting I attempted to CTB and it made my isolation even worse

[DepressedEgg]

I don't have any friends. That's a large part of why I want to die. I live with 4 other people who I thought were my friends, but over the summer they made it clear that actually I'm the odd one out in this house. After a rough few months I decided a couple of weeks ago I needed to CTB. I took a knife into the bathroom and cut my wrists (I know, I know, inefficient method, but I don't have many options and I've managed to cut pretty deep in the past). Unfortunately, it turns out my knives are blunt, so I didn't manage to do anything more than scratch myself up pretty bad.
I thought my housemates would be understanding, sympathetic maybe - I figured I could turn to them for help or something. Instead, they all judged me and got mad at me for being selfish. And the last few weeks they've not been talking to me, I almost feel like I succeeded and I'm just a ghost in my own house. I hate it, and I've thought about trying again multiple times but I now know I can't, I'd just fail again.

 

[Fangarina]

I don't have any friends. That's a large part of why I want to die. I live with 4 other people who I thought were my friends, but over the summer they made it clear that actually I'm the odd one out in this house. After a rough few months I decided a couple of weeks ago I needed to CTB. I took a knife into the bathroom and cut my wrists (I know, I know, inefficient method, but I don't have many options and I've managed to cut pretty deep in the past). Unfortunately, it turns out my knives are blunt, so I didn't manage to do anything more than scratch myself up pretty bad.
I thought my housemates would be understanding, sympathetic maybe - I figured I could turn to them for help or something. Instead, they all judged me and got mad at me for being selfish. And the last few weeks they've not been talking to me, I almost feel like I succeeded and I'm just a ghost in my own house. I hate it, and I've thought about trying again multiple times but I now know I can't, I'd just fail again.

Why do you live with these people, what are the circumstances? Can you move out?

I think living in circumstances like this will be so much more isolating than actually living alone. You are aware people are there but are technically not.
I'm sorry your circumstances are so rubbish. Is this the main reason you want to CTB? Would changes in your life maybe help this a little?

 

[swankysoup]

Your housemates sound horrible wtf

 

[DepressedEgg]

Your housemates sound horrible wtf

Why do you live with these people, what are the circumstances? Can you move out?

I think living in circumstances like this will be so much more isolating than actually living alone. You are aware people are there but are technically not.
I'm sorry your circumstances are so rubbish. Is this the main reason you want to CTB? Would changes in your life maybe help this a little?

Unfortunately, I don't really have any better options. I'm locked into this contract until June, and after that I don't actually know where I'd go. I could go back into randomly-allocated student accommodation, but last year I had a pretty bad experience with one of the housemates I got assigned (he was real bad with boundaries and would get drunk and flirt, aggressively). Not to mention, it was hard enough for me to move in here this year, let alone moving out again. I just feel like I don't have anyone I can rely on in my life.

 

[Fangarina]

Unfortunately, I don't really have any better options. I'm locked into this contract until June, and after that I don't actually know where I'd go. I could go back into randomly-allocated student accommodation, but last year I had a pretty bad experience with one of the housemates I got assigned (he was real bad with boundaries and would get drunk and flirt, aggressively). Not to mention, it was hard enough for me to move in here this year, let alone moving out again. I just feel like I don't have anyone I can rely on in my life.

If it's through student services, can you maybe have a chat with them? See if they have any suggestions for change, even in future?

Do you go out, do any clubs, groups etc? Is there a way you can slowly build up some friends who are into the same things as you so it breaks down the isolation at home a little?

 

[DepressedEgg]

If it's through student services, can you maybe have a chat with them? See if they have any suggestions for change, even in future?

Do you go out, do any clubs, groups etc? Is there a way you can slowly build up some friends who are into the same things as you so it breaks down the isolation at home a little?

I unfortunately don't go out much at the moment. I joined a few societies (essentially uni clubs) but I tried going to the big welcome event for one of them and had to leave due to a panic attack. I then found out that society has continually supported a r@pist and the two things together have just made me not trust that I'll have any luck there. I don't really know how to meet people is the problem that I have; I made one friend on my course but things got awkward there and they're changing course so I'm back on my own again.

 

[Rudi]

I unfortunately don't go out much at the moment. I joined a few societies (essentially uni clubs) but I tried going to the big welcome event for one of them and had to leave due to a panic attack. I then found out that society has continually supported a r@pist and the two things together have just made me not trust that I'll have any luck there. I don't really know how to meet people is the problem that I have; I made one friend on my course but things got awkward there and they're changing course so I'm back on my own again.

now this is really sudden but are you fine with online friends or do you have any? talking to them could maybe distract you from these people for a while. i know its not much and i know it may not be that helpful but yeah.

 

[DepressedEgg]

now this is really sudden but are you fine with online friends or do you have any? talking to them could maybe distract you from these people for a while. i know its not much and i know it may not be that helpful but yeah.

I'm afraid I don't really have any online friends either. I'd love to make some friends online, I think it'd help, but I'm not sure how to go about that.

 

[Rudi]

I'm afraid I don't really have any online friends either. I'd love to make some friends online, I think it'd help, but I'm not sure how to go about that.

i wouldn't mind being your online friend if you're up to it! :D

 

[DepressedEgg]

i wouldn't mind being your online friend if you're up to it! :D

Haha I'm sure that making friends on a website for suicidal people is going to end well :)

 

[Rudi]

Haha I'm sure that making friends on a website for suicidal people is going to end well :)

funny when you think about it, yeah.
personally, i met some great people here and spend most my time talking to them tbh

 

[DepressedEgg]

funny when you think about it, yeah.
personally, i met some great people here and spend most my time talking to them tbh

Good to know. Personally all the people I really want to talk to right now aren't on speaking terms with me anymore

 

[Rudi]

Good to know. Personally all the people I really want to talk to right now aren't on speaking terms with me anymore

i'm so sorry to hear that :(
did like any argument happen or do they just not wanna talk anymore? (sorry if this is personal, you dont have to answer if it is)

 

[DepressedEgg]

i'm so sorry to hear that :(
did like any argument happen or do they just not wanna talk anymore? (sorry if this is personal, you dont have to answer if it is)

Basically some secrets I was keeping came out and now the people I like most are either hurt by those secrets or are cutting me off to avoid the backlash

 

[Rudi]

Basically some secrets I was keeping came out and now the people I like most are either hurt by those secrets or are cutting me off to avoid the backlash

I don't know the full story obviously but I'm sure you had your own reasons to keep that stuff as a secret. Did they even hear you out when you tried explaining what was going on?

 

[DepressedEgg]

I don't know the full story obviously but I'm sure you had your own reasons to keep that stuff as a secret. Did they even hear you out when you tried explaining what was going on?

Yeah, they heard me out. We had a long discussion about it and they tried to be as fair to me as they could. But ultimately I can justify things as much as I want, if they're hurt by what I did I can't try and blame them for that.

 

[Rudi]

Yeah, they heard me out. We had a long discussion about it and they tried to be as fair to me as they could. But ultimately I can justify things as much as I want, if they're hurt by what I did I can't try and blame them for that.

that's true too.
That sounds really difficult, I'm sorry, I hope things work out soon :(

 

[DepressedEgg]

that's true too.
That sounds really difficult, I'm sorry, I hope things work out soon :(

Aah, I'm sure it'll be fine. Either I meet new people, patch things up with the current ones, or I can just commit to being an online hermit bothering strangers if needed.

 

[Rudi]

Aah, I'm sure it'll be fine. Either I meet new people, patch things up with the current ones, or I can just commit to being an online hermit bothering strangers if needed.

all three of those sound like good options, they could all lead to something good in the end :)
either way, seriously, goodluck I wish you the best!

 

[DepressedEgg]

all three of those sound like good options, they could all lead to something good in the end :)
either way, seriously, goodluck I wish you the best!

Thanks. I wish you the best with your endeavours as well. And if you ever wanna talk, I can't promise I'll reply quickly but I always come back here eventually (more and more frequently, as of late)