Venting I am supposed to feel happy but somehow I’m not

[aitouka]

I don't know if anyone is the same as me. I'm an extrovert, my friendships go pretty well overall. Although I have a lot of stress elsewhere, people always numb me like alcohol, whether that be people I like or dislike. It's like my brain could stop thinking for the moment and I do feel happy around people. But I don't really feel the happiness in myself afterwards. When people leave, all the happiness a second ago can disappear. It makes me doubt. Is that even real happiness? When there's no one around, I only experience fatigue and overthinking and suicidal and SH thoughts. Everyone is like alcohol, they work exactly the same to me.

That doesn't mean I don't love my friends of course, it's just I feel guilty because they see me laugh everyday, being optimistic and funny and bright, but that doesn't even feel like the real me. Just the numbed and tipsy version of me. The real me can only be depressed and unfeeling. Yet it's so contradictory that I want alone time as well. What do I really want? This is getting offtopic but it really just is a random midnight rant. I don't even know what I want anymore. I want N, I want to die quickly and peacefully and painlessly right at this moment, why is the world not allowing me to die like this? But my friends will be sad to see me leave. Haha. I don't want to leave them with depression.

I don't even know what I'm typing anymore, I'm so sorry, my head hurts, how the fuck am I still conscious, why am I still conscious, I should go to sleep but I don't want to wake up, but sleeping is literally therapy because I don't need to think so I always oversleep, but I have to wake up early tomorrow. UGHHH what is wrong with my mind and brain and everything. I should stop being delirious. No one should fucking care about me. But where is my rationality. Why am I so depressed right now. I hate not knowing the reasons behind. I hate not knowing. And I don't know myself. I know my thoughts but I don't know my emotions. What is wrong with me.

 

[Baron]

I can relate, even though I am the complete opposite (no friends, not many social interaction). The time I spent with friends is distracting me from my thoughts. But in the end, everytime I am alone afterwards I don't feel anything. I'm just back to thinking about depressing shit all the time. I don't know how much longer I will endure my life. I don't even know if you can call it happiness, if all you feel is distracted from reality.