astr4
memento mori
- Mar 27, 2019
- 461
any kind, platonic or romantic.
The piece i'm stuck on is this:
i am a deeply insecure person. when i was younger i would ask for more reassurance, but i've learned that's annoying and drives people away.
so i don't ask. i just keep going. i don't share my insecurities, i just tell myself over and over i need to trust my friends and that these people choose to have me in their lives.
but i get resentful. i get bitter. it starts to feel like my presence isn't really needed anyways. i'll pull little experiments like "let's stop being the first one to message and see how long it takes to get a response" or "let's stop being accommodating and see if they'll come hang in my area instead."
obviously that doesn't pan out. and then comes the inevitable blow up of "if you don't care about me just say so lol."
it feels like the only way i'm meant to maintain relationships is just a constant gaslighting of myself. just ignoring my own insecurities until they blow up in my face. idk. like i'm just fucked up by my parents and there's no salvation for me i'll never be able to form happy healthy relationships.
just not sure how to get around this one so i've spent the past year self isolating but. idk. i don't even know if i wanna get better all that badly. but if i do this is where i would wanna start bc it's not like i can change the other stuff that makes me suicidal.
idk
The piece i'm stuck on is this:
i am a deeply insecure person. when i was younger i would ask for more reassurance, but i've learned that's annoying and drives people away.
so i don't ask. i just keep going. i don't share my insecurities, i just tell myself over and over i need to trust my friends and that these people choose to have me in their lives.
but i get resentful. i get bitter. it starts to feel like my presence isn't really needed anyways. i'll pull little experiments like "let's stop being the first one to message and see how long it takes to get a response" or "let's stop being accommodating and see if they'll come hang in my area instead."
obviously that doesn't pan out. and then comes the inevitable blow up of "if you don't care about me just say so lol."
it feels like the only way i'm meant to maintain relationships is just a constant gaslighting of myself. just ignoring my own insecurities until they blow up in my face. idk. like i'm just fucked up by my parents and there's no salvation for me i'll never be able to form happy healthy relationships.
just not sure how to get around this one so i've spent the past year self isolating but. idk. i don't even know if i wanna get better all that badly. but if i do this is where i would wanna start bc it's not like i can change the other stuff that makes me suicidal.
idk