Venting I am so tired of having hope

[almaPerdida]

Sorry if this isn't well writen, english isn't my first language.

I want to CTB since i was 16. I'm 24 now and these thoughts always have been with me, some times less, and some times more. Deep down i always believed i could live a normal life. So i did try. I went out there, went to parties, met people, made friends, lived romances, drunk a lot, did drugs, worked, studied, everything.

But these thoughts never went away. I never asked help from friends or family because i hate having people worried about me. I'm the type that doesn't share with anyone and tried to go through everything alone. I NEED to carry my own weight and not depend on others. I feel worse when i open up about my problems to people who know me, instead of feeling better.

And i did everything in my power to try to have that normal life. I did my part. I'm not a victim and i am not gonna say my life is unfair. But i am tired of trying. I am tired of it all. My last bit of hope was crushed and i will just ctb next week. I have everything i need with me to do it. I was gonna do it in March, but i kept postponing it because deep down i had hope. Now there's nothing left. I just need to rest. All the things that used to make me happy simply don't work anymore and i can't keep trying. I'm so exhausted.

I just hope my parents, friends and brother can forgive me someday. Friday will be my friend's birthday and my goodbye. My last party, my last time seeing them and their last memory of me. I will make it be legendary for them, they will see the best possible version of me. And then, next week, i will see the best possible version of peace. At last.

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

I hear you.Life is a mask for so many of us xx

 

[The Disqualified]

I relate to all you said really. The loneliness has just been killing me and I am just tired of trying, really, I tried so hard but I'm thinking of just giving up at this point.
Boa sorte para nós.

 

[almaPerdida]

I hear you.Life is a mask for so many of us xx

Exactly, and it gets so tiring. I just hope i can rest soon. I wish you luck.

I relate to all you said really. The loneliness has just been killing me and I am just tired of trying, really, I tried so hard but I'm thinking of just giving up at this point.
Boa sorte para nós.

The loneliness is the worst. We tried our best tho, that's what matters. Obrigado, e te desejo sorte também.

 

[pepe_felipe]

very much luck to you in your journey to find peace. i really appreciate how you can articulate how how you're feeling because it really resonates with me. descanse en paz

 

[almaPerdida]

very much luck to you in your journey to find peace. i really appreciate how you can articulate how how you're feeling because it really resonates with me. descanse en paz

thank you for your kind words. i wish you luck and good things. gracias!

 

[SaltedSnail]

Wish you luck my friend.

 

[CyzerRaze]

Unfortunately I can't relate to you, but I can hope that you make the decision you think is right and that you get the best result!

 

[almaPerdida]

Wish you luck my friend.

Thank you!

Unfortunately I can't relate to you, but I can hope that you make the decision you think is right and that you get the best result!

Thank you, and i wish you the best.

 

[floating_cloud]

Good luck and I hope your last ever event is a blast just go crazy

 

[Coffeandamug]

I hate the hope loop. Some morning I wake up a little better, I see that even though I have these problems there are aspects of life that I still enjoy despite de bad things. I think "I know that this suffering will never go away so, maybe I can live with it". Just to then be emotionally and mentally dilacerated by my mental condition, left with no feeling of enjoyment for anything and crying for something to kill me in my sleep. I then become completely dysfunctional and thus "rest". The rest makes that morning come again and the cycle repeats itself.

 

[derpyderpins]

Hope is cruel.

 

[Lost Magic]

Now that you are on the subject of hope, here is a great quote about it:

"I don't like hope very much. In fact, I hate it. It's the crystal meth of emotions. It hooks you fast and kills you hard. It's bad news. The worst. It's sharp sticks and cherry bombs. When hope shows up, it's only a matter of time until someone gets hurt."
Jennifer Donnelly

I couldn't have said it better to be honest.

 

[Midwest_Indigo]

Sorry if this isn't well writen, english isn't my first language.

I want to CTB since i was 16. I'm 24 now and these thoughts always have been with me, some times less, and some times more. Deep down i always believed i could live a normal life. So i did try. I went out there, went to parties, met people, made friends, lived romances, drunk a lot, did drugs, worked, studied, everything.

But these thoughts never went away. I never asked help from friends or family because i hate having people worried about me. I'm the type that doesn't share with anyone and tried to go through everything alone. I NEED to carry my own weight and not depend on others. I feel worse when i open up about my problems to people who know me, instead of feeling better.

And i did everything in my power to try to have that normal life. I did my part. I'm not a victim and i am not gonna say my life is unfair. But i am tired of trying. I am tired of it all. My last bit of hope was crushed and i will just ctb next week. I have everything i need with me to do it. I was gonna do it in March, but i kept postponing it because deep down i had hope. Now there's nothing left. I just need to rest. All the things that used to make me happy simply don't work anymore and i can't keep trying. I'm so exhausted.

I just hope my parents, friends and brother can forgive me someday. Friday will be my friend's birthday and my goodbye. My last party, my last time seeing them and their last memory of me. I will make it be legendary for them, they will see the best possible version of me. And then, next week, i will see the best possible version of peace. At last.

Just wanting to say that I hear you and feel this so much.
Wishing you peace in whatever way. I'm 29 and these thoughts don't really go away. Maybe they ebb and flow, but what's the quality of life then?

Good luck with everything, you sound like a kind soul. And I would hope they and anyone else would forgive you for sure. Sending love.

 

[NotGoodEnough]

How are you going to ctb? I'm from (seemingly) the same country and would appreciate some information. Of course, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to.

This life filled with hope and disappointment is hellish. I can only hope that we find peace at the end of it all. Descanse em paz e boa viagem.

 

[almaPerdida]

Good luck and I hope your last ever event is a blast just go crazy

Thanks a lot! It's another friends birthday this week and i will have to go, i will go crazy for sure.

I hate the hope loop. Some morning I wake up a little better, I see that even though I have these problems there are aspects of life that I still enjoy despite de bad things. I think "I know that this suffering will never go away so, maybe I can live with it". Just to then be emotionally and mentally dilacerated by my mental condition, left with no feeling of enjoyment for anything and crying for something to kill me in my sleep. I then become completely dysfunctional and thus "rest". The rest makes that morning come again and the cycle repeats itself.

I relate 100%. There are some good things that seems to make it worth the suffering. But in the end i always end up wondering if it's really worth at all. Always changing and i'm tired of these swings. I hope you find your peace too.

Hope is cruel.

It's cruel af, and just makes me more exhausted.

Now that you are on the subject of hope, here is a great quote about it:

"I don't like hope very much. In fact, I hate it. It's the crystal meth of emotions. It hooks you fast and kills you hard. It's bad news. The worst. It's sharp sticks and cherry bombs. When hope shows up, it's only a matter of time until someone gets hurt."
Jennifer Donnelly

I couldn't have said it better to be honest.

Thanks for sharing it, i loved this quote and sums up pretty well.

Just wanting to say that I hear you and feel this so much.
Wishing you peace in whatever way. I'm 29 and these thoughts don't really go away. Maybe they ebb and flow, but what's the quality of life then?

Good luck with everything, you sound like a kind soul. And I would hope they and anyone else would forgive you for sure. Sending love.

Thanks a lot for the kind words. I hope you find your peace too. Sending love back. I understand what you say because i've been having these thoughts since i was a teenager and they haven't gone yet. Will they ever?

How are you going to ctb? I'm from (seemingly) the same country and would appreciate some information. Of course, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to.

This life filled with hope and disappointment is hellish. I can only hope that we find peace at the end of it all. Descanse em paz e boa viagem.

I'm going with SN, i've brought everything i need. Feel free to send me a DM and i will help you with anything info i can.
I really hope we have peace later because all the hope i had seems useless after all. Obrigado, amigo!

 

[bpdandalone]

I hate the hope loop. Some morning I wake up a little better, I see that even though I have these problems there are aspects of life that I still enjoy despite de bad things. I think "I know that this suffering will never go away so, maybe I can live with it". Just to then be emotionally and mentally dilacerated by my mental condition, left with no feeling of enjoyment for anything and crying for something to kill me in my sleep. I then become completely dysfunctional and thus "rest". The rest makes that morning come again and the cycle repeats itself.

Oh how I massively massively relate to this