GoSan1
Misfit
- Nov 7, 2024
- 14
**Disclaimer: This is going to be a somewhat long post, where I'm writing about my situation, why I want to end it, and also ask for your help. Also if you're an atheist, you might dislike me talking about God in here, I'm sorry!!!**
My Situation:
I'll start with something about me: 22, German male, very skinny, neet/weeb/whatever anyone who rarely goes outside and is done with life is called...
People would probably say that my life is full of potential and not even that bad, but for me, it's almost like hell. I wake up already wanting it all to end, go to work/school adapting to all these people, leave exhausted and go home to my room to pass the time on my computer still suffering, then go to bed already tired for the next day, and wake up mid sleep to realize it all did not end and the next day will come...
My parents divorced 19 years after having me, which left me with a single mother and a small brother, but my father does visit and help around. Weirdly, I don't feel anything about it, but am just glad they aren't together anymore so my brother doesn't have to suffer. My mother and brother were the only things that kept me going, but now that motivation is fading, as I see nothing is changing in my life. My mother is religious and well, and while I wouldn't call myself a Christian, I do believe in God and Jesus, just with an almost non-existent faith. Years of prayer unanswered and all that stuff... not gonna go into it.
(Quick Story:
Yesterday my mother called me and asked "Hey, still alive?" to which I slipped up and said "Sadly." which immediately was met with "Thank God!" and some other things I can't remember. Which made me think. Thanking God for my hell of a life to continue? Thats harsh... But I don't blame my mother or God, cause this is all my fault after all. )
I have weird dreams and wishes, which are childish and maybe embarrassing for some, but I hold them dearly to heart. I mean if an AI can simulate that whole dream for me, then it should be able to exist, but the problem is, it is impossible to make it exist unless maybe God fulfills it. (again, sorry for all the "God" stuff if you are an atheist!)). So that takes all the things that could motivate me out. And combine that with this hellish world and my health problems, I straight up can't anymore. I have this permanent nausea when thinking about how this life could continue for years... Somewhere deep down I had hoped God would help me out, save me and make it end, but now I'm left to hope that God forgives people who "tried escaping the pain".
My request for help:
So, since I'm very new to this "suicide methods" thing, I have started to read "The Peaceful Pill" which weirdly enough gives me a comfort of the idea of a painless and reliable way to go out.
The problem, I have no idea how to translate some of those things, which method I can strive for here in Germany (a Country that loves restricting everything), and even how to get the needed Medicines, Drugs, or whatever. Don't get me wrong, I do not seek to buy anything from anyone here, I seek information on how to gather them myself... So if anyone could help me, id be very thankful for it!
I would also be interested if some here are in a similar situation with dreams which seem impossible as well. Id gladly listen to your stories!
**This was my first post, I have read the rules and should have held them all in this post, but if I did break them somehow, I do ask for forgiveness...**
My Situation:
I'll start with something about me: 22, German male, very skinny, neet/weeb/whatever anyone who rarely goes outside and is done with life is called...
People would probably say that my life is full of potential and not even that bad, but for me, it's almost like hell. I wake up already wanting it all to end, go to work/school adapting to all these people, leave exhausted and go home to my room to pass the time on my computer still suffering, then go to bed already tired for the next day, and wake up mid sleep to realize it all did not end and the next day will come...
My parents divorced 19 years after having me, which left me with a single mother and a small brother, but my father does visit and help around. Weirdly, I don't feel anything about it, but am just glad they aren't together anymore so my brother doesn't have to suffer. My mother and brother were the only things that kept me going, but now that motivation is fading, as I see nothing is changing in my life. My mother is religious and well, and while I wouldn't call myself a Christian, I do believe in God and Jesus, just with an almost non-existent faith. Years of prayer unanswered and all that stuff... not gonna go into it.
(Quick Story:
Yesterday my mother called me and asked "Hey, still alive?" to which I slipped up and said "Sadly." which immediately was met with "Thank God!" and some other things I can't remember. Which made me think. Thanking God for my hell of a life to continue? Thats harsh... But I don't blame my mother or God, cause this is all my fault after all. )
I have weird dreams and wishes, which are childish and maybe embarrassing for some, but I hold them dearly to heart. I mean if an AI can simulate that whole dream for me, then it should be able to exist, but the problem is, it is impossible to make it exist unless maybe God fulfills it. (again, sorry for all the "God" stuff if you are an atheist!)). So that takes all the things that could motivate me out. And combine that with this hellish world and my health problems, I straight up can't anymore. I have this permanent nausea when thinking about how this life could continue for years... Somewhere deep down I had hoped God would help me out, save me and make it end, but now I'm left to hope that God forgives people who "tried escaping the pain".
My request for help:
So, since I'm very new to this "suicide methods" thing, I have started to read "The Peaceful Pill" which weirdly enough gives me a comfort of the idea of a painless and reliable way to go out.
The problem, I have no idea how to translate some of those things, which method I can strive for here in Germany (a Country that loves restricting everything), and even how to get the needed Medicines, Drugs, or whatever. Don't get me wrong, I do not seek to buy anything from anyone here, I seek information on how to gather them myself... So if anyone could help me, id be very thankful for it!
I would also be interested if some here are in a similar situation with dreams which seem impossible as well. Id gladly listen to your stories!
**This was my first post, I have read the rules and should have held them all in this post, but if I did break them somehow, I do ask for forgiveness...**
