Story I am proof that for some people, things really never do get better. A reflection on 3 decades of suffering.

[Cinnamorolls]

Of course, we have all heard these platitudes. Things will get better, you just need to give it time! Don't give up, keep pushing forward and give life a chance to improve! Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems!

At 14, I had my first suicidal feelings. I had spent my childhood being beaten to a pulp every day by the one parent present, and berated by the rest of the family. At school, I was bullied mercilessly. I never had any friends. I confided to my mom that I had this constant feeling of wanting to die. She told me to stop feeling sorry for myself and that I just wanted attention.

I did not kill myself. I convinced myself that things would get better. Once I got out of that household and my hometown, it would be better. "A change of scenery is all I need!"

By 24, I was broken. Moving away from home for college had only made things worse. My depression hit levels I didn't know were possible, and I ended up dropping out and having to move back home. At this point, my mom had outright told me many times that I should go ahead and kill myself.

Again, I did not kill myself. Again, I convinced myself that things would get better. I just needed to go back and finish college, and find a good job where I was appreciated. I needed to start dating, and then I would have a boyfriend who loves and cherishes me, and we could build a happy life together. "Things are going to start going right for me and it'll turn out great!"

Now at 34, I have been sexually abused, physically assaulted, and emotionally torn into pieces by various men. I finished my degree long ago, yet could never keep stable employment. I jumped around to new jobs every couple years because I was always treated as worthless and disposable, and most coworkers never even knew my name. I moved out of my family's home many years ago and cut off contact, yet that made no difference. I have taken basically every medication possible for depression. I have done TMS and ECT. I have gone to therapy.

I have no family, friends, or partner. I have never felt the love of another person, since not even my own parents loved me. I never felt valued or appreciated in any area of life, not even at work. I am in a unique position in life where literally no one would care if I was dead. No one would be sad or inconvenienced.

My current work contract has a couple months left on it. Unlikely to be renewed. I have a meager amount of emergency savings to keep me afloat until December no matter what. But I don't feel like I have the strength to look for yet another job. What is the point? My life is an endless cycle of wake up, work, come home, eat, mindlessly watch some hours of TV, go to sleep. Every day, the same thing. There is no fun, no joy, no love.

Things did not ever get better, and I can truthfully say I have no reason to live. If there was one thing, just one positive thing in my life, it might be worth living. How I desperately wish there was.

I would not say that I actively wish to die. I want to live a happy, fulfilling life... and I have tried to accomplish that for so long now. I worked hard, I pushed myself forward, and I did not give up. Rather, it is life itself that has given me no other choice. I can continue through a pointless, lonely existence that goes in circles, as I have for decades now... or I can just stop. I don't know what to do anymore.

Thank you for reading.

 

[divinemistress36]

36 and I feel this so much . In fact 30s have been the worst. How many sessions of ECT did you do ?

 

[BardBarrie]

Thank you for sharing your story.
I'm sorry life has been this way to you.

If everyone were given a magic button to press to instantly, painlessly kill them — I honestly wonder how many would press it.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Life never got better for me, either. I've been waiting on "better", whatever that means, for decades, also. I did have family that cared about me, though, but they all passed away, so, I too, find myself in the surreal position of having no one who loves me, or who would care if I die. I'm sorry, OP, you find yourself in this position. The sad truth is that life just doesn't work out for everyone, no matter how hard one tries. Maybe it's some kind of "cosmic balancing act" whereby there needs to be an equal amount of people who don't make it in order to keep the scale balanced with number of people who do make it?????? I don't really know, and at this point in my life, I really don't even care about the "whys" anymore.

 

[Illegal Preclear]

I think your 30s is a good time to decide if continuing to live is something you truly want to do. When you hit your 30s, you no longer have youth hormones to compensate for and offset the balance whatever neurological or physical disabilities you have. It's why things like Schizophrenia and autoimmune diseases like Lupus completely devour a person from their late 20s into their 30s. Platitudes like "it gets better" are lines written by people who are saturated in both privilege and idiocy - but even if it takes 80 years, they will face Hell one day.

It's important you know that CTB is a valid choice, no matter what your reasons are, and you have stuck it out for 34 years. I can tell you from experience, as a 35 year old that losing my youth hormones has made me deteriorate very rapidly. Granted, I have multiple disabilities so that was destined to be the case with scientific certainty, but your 30s tend to bring you nothing that helps you.

I thank you for sharing your story and hope you find a wealth of information on this forum as far as methods go. Lord knows, if I didn't find this forum, I probably would have made a stupid mistake in pursuit of CTBing and had a failed attempt!

I hope you find peace no matter what choice you make.

 

[Cinnamorolls]

36 and I feel this so much . In fact 30s have been the worst. How many sessions of ECT did you do ?

I'm so sorry you are in a similar boat. I have done 3 courses of ECT, 12 sessions each, so 36 total. It is proven to be a much more effective treatment than medications or TMS. However, the catch is that most people relapse from it within 6 months, and you have to keep going back to get another course done. It's hard on both the body and mind, and by the 3rd course, I was having panic attacks every time they wheeled me into the treatment room. But I would still encourage people to give it a try as a last resort. If they are the resilient type and don't mind having to go back for treatment every 6 months, it could be very helpful.

Life never got better for me, either. I've been waiting on "better", whatever that means, for decades, also. I did have family that cared about me, though, but they all passed away, so, I too, find myself in the surreal position of having no one who loves me, or who would care if I die. I'm sorry, OP, you find yourself in this position. The sad truth is that life just doesn't work out for everyone, no matter how hard one tries. Maybe it's some kind of "cosmic balancing act" whereby there needs to be an equal amount of people who don't make it in order to keep the scale balanced with number of people who do make it?????? I don't really know, and at this point in my life, I really don't even care about the "whys" anymore.

Sorry for your loss. I imagine the only thing worse than never having something, is to have had it at one point and then lost it. Your theory reminds me of the short story The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas, where the happiness of many is dependent on the constant suffering of a few. It's as good a theory as any. As you said, we will never really know.

I think your 30s is a good time to decide if continuing to live is something you truly want to do. When you hit your 30s, you no longer have youth hormones to compensate for and offset the balance whatever neurological or physical disabilities you have. It's why things like Schizophrenia and autoimmune diseases like Lupus completely devour a person from their late 20s into their 30s. Platitudes like "it gets better" are lines written by people who are saturated in both privilege and idiocy - but even if it takes 80 years, they will face Hell one day.

It's important you know that CTB is a valid choice, no matter what your reasons are, and you have stuck it out for 34 years. I can tell you from experience, as a 35 year old that losing my youth hormones has made me deteriorate very rapidly. Granted, I have multiple disabilities so that was destined to be the case with scientific certainty, but your 30s tend to bring you nothing that helps you.

I thank you for sharing your story and hope you find a wealth of information on this forum as far as methods go. Lord knows, if I didn't find this forum, I probably would have made a stupid mistake in pursuit of CTBing and had a failed attempt!

I hope you find peace no matter what choice you make.

Yes, exactly. I understand the urge people have to tell a very young person that it will get better, since they haven't really lived much of life yet. But for older people, it feels like a delusional claim to make. The hope tank has to start running low at some point. I hope you find peace as well.

 

[divinemistress36]

I'm so sorry you are in a similar boat. I have done 3 courses of ECT, 12 sessions each, so 36 total. It is proven to be a much more effective treatment than medications or TMS. However, the catch is that most people relapse from it within 6 months, and you have to keep going back to get another course done. It's hard on both the body and mind, and by the 3rd course, I was having panic attacks every time they wheeled me into the treatment room. But I would still encourage people to give it a try as a last resort. If they are the resilient type and don't mind having to go back for treatment every 6 months, it could be very helpful.


Sorry for your loss. I imagine the only thing worse than never having something, is to have had it at one point and then lost it. Your theory reminds me of the short story The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas, where the happiness of many is dependent on the constant suffering of a few. It's as good a theory as any. As you said, we will never really know.


Yes, exactly. I understand the urge people have to tell a very young person that it will get better, since they haven't really lived much of life yet. But for older people, it feels like a delusional claim to make. The hope tank has to start running low at some point. I hope you find peace as well.

I did 19 treatments it was so not worth all the permanent memory loss for temporary relief

 

[Disappointered]

It's a common question and the answer in my opinion is "no, it most likely won't get better and it will probably even get worse". I am also an example of an older suicidal person who was suicidal from an early age. It just got worse with time. I hope to be able to find a peaceful way to stop whatever this is but having wanted to for decades means that if I'm still here I can't even succeed at that either.

 

[DefinitelyReady]

Of course, we have all heard these platitudes. Things will get better, you just need to give it time! Don't give up, keep pushing forward and give life a chance to improve! Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems!

At 14, I had my first suicidal feelings. I had spent my childhood being beaten to a pulp every day by the one parent present, and berated by the rest of the family. At school, I was bullied mercilessly. I never had any friends. I confided to my mom that I had this constant feeling of wanting to die. She told me to stop feeling sorry for myself and that I just wanted attention.

I did not kill myself. I convinced myself that things would get better. Once I got out of that household and my hometown, it would be better. "A change of scenery is all I need!"

By 24, I was broken. Moving away from home for college had only made things worse. My depression hit levels I didn't know were possible, and I ended up dropping out and having to move back home. At this point, my mom had outright told me many times that I should go ahead and kill myself.

Again, I did not kill myself. Again, I convinced myself that things would get better. I just needed to go back and finish college, and find a good job where I was appreciated. I needed to start dating, and then I would have a boyfriend who loves and cherishes me, and we could build a happy life together. "Things are going to start going right for me and it'll turn out great!"

Now at 34, I have been sexually abused, physically assaulted, and emotionally torn into pieces by various men. I finished my degree long ago, yet could never keep stable employment. I jumped around to new jobs every couple years because I was always treated as worthless and disposable, and most coworkers never even knew my name. I moved out of my family's home many years ago and cut off contact, yet that made no difference. I have taken basically every medication possible for depression. I have done TMS and ECT. I have gone to therapy.

I have no family, friends, or partner. I have never felt the love of another person, since not even my own parents loved me. I never felt valued or appreciated in any area of life, not even at work. I am in a unique position in life where literally no one would care if I was dead. No one would be sad or inconvenienced.

My current work contract has a couple months left on it. Unlikely to be renewed. I have a meager amount of emergency savings to keep me afloat until December no matter what. But I don't feel like I have the strength to look for yet another job. What is the point? My life is an endless cycle of wake up, work, come home, eat, mindlessly watch some hours of TV, go to sleep. Every day, the same thing. There is no fun, no joy, no love.

Things did not ever get better, and I can truthfully say I have no reason to live. If there was one thing, just one positive thing in my life, it might be worth living. How I desperately wish there was.

I would not say that I actively wish to die. I want to live a happy, fulfilling life... and I have tried to accomplish that for so long now. I worked hard, I pushed myself forward, and I did not give up. Rather, it is life itself that has given me no other choice. I can continue through a pointless, lonely existence that goes in circles, as I have for decades now... or I can just stop. I don't know what to do anymore.

Thank you for reading.

Have you tried Auvelity, Spravato, or ketamine?

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry u have to go through this. Life is often so unfair. It's horrible when people who don't actively want to die are forced to consider CTB bc of unbearable and unsolvable life-circumstances. I can relate to that.