"Me an intellectual." Of course this is a joke but there is some truth in it.
After an extreme long break I had a debate with my friends. I love debating but my friends lost the interest in it. The topic was art and my friends know more about that topic compared to me. I kind of won the debate. This made me kind of manic. I am not really sure whether my arguments were at their core better. Though when we look at the line of argumentation I have won. Can I buy me something from that? Hell no.
I am kind of obsessed by educating myself. It has to do with bullying at school. Though I met a real intellectual some years ago. He considered me not very educated, annoying and presumptuous. This motivated me. I think I see education and intelligence as too much of a competition. At college I have very good grades and many people are impressed by my knowledge and intelligence. Most of it is completely fraud like because I only study part-time and barely anyone knows that. However I also tried to reduce my obsessive behavior of wanting to impress people. I learned the lesson the hard way that wanting to please the lecturers is worthless. I concentrate on writing good marks and saving my energy in order to study effectively.
My obsession with education is so worthless. I just have OCD and seeing all of this as some sort of competition is anti-intellectual. Furthermore I am not even that smart. I think some people at college consider me extremely smart. I don't think I am that. I am rather an overachiever who works extremely hard.
For what am I accumulating all of this knowledge? I have a good answer for that: in order to create interesting threads. Lmao. This was kind of an answer for myself. I mean if I did not share my thoughts here I would be even more lonelier. Moreover I kind of like the idea of leaving something behind when I kill myself and I am kind of proud of some threads. I really like that so many people show support for all my threads. And sometimes the venting is sort of carthartic for me.
I specialize myself on politics and I think it is useless to post so much about politics. It is more interesting when the topics are more diverse. Though the side-effect of that is that I don't have in-depth knowledge about many things that come to my mind.
I kind of have a value system and some ethical principles that guide me. And one of that is probably the value of education. Maybe I am kind of too extreme on that. I mean I kind of do that my whole fucking day like almost always. I quit playing video games with story because of that (almost completely). My day is playing video games which barely need attention and during that I listen to scientifical or media articles. Then I study several hours for college and the whole thing repeats. I sometimes give me breaks when I listen to music. For example while I write these threads. I really have issues to give me breaks. I think there is a mistake in my brain. I just don't feel when I overburden my concentration or attention with something. I am cognitively analyzing shit like 24/7. Medication makes my thoughs slower and less paranoid or manic.
I soon have exams. I stabilized a little bit gladly. I took a benzo for some days and it was a great feeling for my soul. I have very few courses this semester and due to that the life quality is better. I have to say the last semester was really shocking. I was pretty close to a psychotic breakdown. When I wrote one exam I might would have had a breakdown but I took a whole benzo prior to that and I have to say this might have saved my life. (or at least postponed that hell breaks lose).
The sad fact is the following: I am probably unable to hold a job so my grades are worthless. In job interviews it would be way better to have worse grades in exchange for less time that my degree took time. However I really have severe issues with OCD, anxiety and perfectionism. I think many many people (also with mental illness) suffer due to procrastination. I am kind of the opposite and I have to stop me from studying. Well thanks mom for abusing me for not studying hard enough. I am such a wreck.
The whole thing got off-topic (I kind of like that I don't have to stick to the topic closely.) I am still thinking about that girl in college. I think she considers me mental and questions my sanity. Honestly I think I had a better chance if I just randomly talked to any woman I meet at college when I cross them. Recently a woman gave me a pretty interested gaze. I think I currently look good. Though if the women knew what a fucking mess I am they would lose the interest immediately. I am not even able to have a long conversation with women without becoming very weird. This is why I look for a partner with issues too- Though I am really a mess when I meet people for the first time. I fuck it up pretty early. And then I am unable to leave the friendzone. I should stop to ruminate about that. It is useless. I have a strong desire for a partner currently. But I am not alone with that. I might try to meet new people during the holidays. However dating or parties (with strangers) make me so fucking depressed. I prefer to vent on a fucking suicide forum where I feel way more communion and support.
To add one thing: I struggle to motivate me doing all of that shit (the extreme effective studying). It is absolutely obsessive and otherwise I could not cope with the anxiety. But for the life quality it is horrible. I bought me some things a playstation, a new smartphone and a new laptop. But now I don't have anything to buy which is really worth the money. I love the gacha game that I am playing but hell I won't waste my fucking money on that. The prices are a fucking joke. I noticed I struggle extremely during the time period after the holidays. I felt extremely horrible. I think my whole nervous system rebels against the horrible pressure that I am doing to myself. The start of it feels unbelievable bad. And Ithink these beginning get progressively worse for me. And damn I still have many years of college ahead of me. Though it is also true that this time period might be the best time period for the rest of life because I cannot solve all the extremely horrible problems that I am facing daily (which accumulate) The worst is yet to come for me.
I think after this wall of text it is pretty evident that I have manic symptoms. Today I try to sleep again without addictive medication but I will take them more often when I come closer to the exams. Thanks for reading this weird mix of thoughts.
After an extreme long break I had a debate with my friends. I love debating but my friends lost the interest in it. The topic was art and my friends know more about that topic compared to me. I kind of won the debate. This made me kind of manic. I am not really sure whether my arguments were at their core better. Though when we look at the line of argumentation I have won. Can I buy me something from that? Hell no.
I am kind of obsessed by educating myself. It has to do with bullying at school. Though I met a real intellectual some years ago. He considered me not very educated, annoying and presumptuous. This motivated me. I think I see education and intelligence as too much of a competition. At college I have very good grades and many people are impressed by my knowledge and intelligence. Most of it is completely fraud like because I only study part-time and barely anyone knows that. However I also tried to reduce my obsessive behavior of wanting to impress people. I learned the lesson the hard way that wanting to please the lecturers is worthless. I concentrate on writing good marks and saving my energy in order to study effectively.
My obsession with education is so worthless. I just have OCD and seeing all of this as some sort of competition is anti-intellectual. Furthermore I am not even that smart. I think some people at college consider me extremely smart. I don't think I am that. I am rather an overachiever who works extremely hard.
For what am I accumulating all of this knowledge? I have a good answer for that: in order to create interesting threads. Lmao. This was kind of an answer for myself. I mean if I did not share my thoughts here I would be even more lonelier. Moreover I kind of like the idea of leaving something behind when I kill myself and I am kind of proud of some threads. I really like that so many people show support for all my threads. And sometimes the venting is sort of carthartic for me.
I specialize myself on politics and I think it is useless to post so much about politics. It is more interesting when the topics are more diverse. Though the side-effect of that is that I don't have in-depth knowledge about many things that come to my mind.
I kind of have a value system and some ethical principles that guide me. And one of that is probably the value of education. Maybe I am kind of too extreme on that. I mean I kind of do that my whole fucking day like almost always. I quit playing video games with story because of that (almost completely). My day is playing video games which barely need attention and during that I listen to scientifical or media articles. Then I study several hours for college and the whole thing repeats. I sometimes give me breaks when I listen to music. For example while I write these threads. I really have issues to give me breaks. I think there is a mistake in my brain. I just don't feel when I overburden my concentration or attention with something. I am cognitively analyzing shit like 24/7. Medication makes my thoughs slower and less paranoid or manic.
I soon have exams. I stabilized a little bit gladly. I took a benzo for some days and it was a great feeling for my soul. I have very few courses this semester and due to that the life quality is better. I have to say the last semester was really shocking. I was pretty close to a psychotic breakdown. When I wrote one exam I might would have had a breakdown but I took a whole benzo prior to that and I have to say this might have saved my life. (or at least postponed that hell breaks lose).
The sad fact is the following: I am probably unable to hold a job so my grades are worthless. In job interviews it would be way better to have worse grades in exchange for less time that my degree took time. However I really have severe issues with OCD, anxiety and perfectionism. I think many many people (also with mental illness) suffer due to procrastination. I am kind of the opposite and I have to stop me from studying. Well thanks mom for abusing me for not studying hard enough. I am such a wreck.
The whole thing got off-topic (I kind of like that I don't have to stick to the topic closely.) I am still thinking about that girl in college. I think she considers me mental and questions my sanity. Honestly I think I had a better chance if I just randomly talked to any woman I meet at college when I cross them. Recently a woman gave me a pretty interested gaze. I think I currently look good. Though if the women knew what a fucking mess I am they would lose the interest immediately. I am not even able to have a long conversation with women without becoming very weird. This is why I look for a partner with issues too- Though I am really a mess when I meet people for the first time. I fuck it up pretty early. And then I am unable to leave the friendzone. I should stop to ruminate about that. It is useless. I have a strong desire for a partner currently. But I am not alone with that. I might try to meet new people during the holidays. However dating or parties (with strangers) make me so fucking depressed. I prefer to vent on a fucking suicide forum where I feel way more communion and support.
To add one thing: I struggle to motivate me doing all of that shit (the extreme effective studying). It is absolutely obsessive and otherwise I could not cope with the anxiety. But for the life quality it is horrible. I bought me some things a playstation, a new smartphone and a new laptop. But now I don't have anything to buy which is really worth the money. I love the gacha game that I am playing but hell I won't waste my fucking money on that. The prices are a fucking joke. I noticed I struggle extremely during the time period after the holidays. I felt extremely horrible. I think my whole nervous system rebels against the horrible pressure that I am doing to myself. The start of it feels unbelievable bad. And Ithink these beginning get progressively worse for me. And damn I still have many years of college ahead of me. Though it is also true that this time period might be the best time period for the rest of life because I cannot solve all the extremely horrible problems that I am facing daily (which accumulate) The worst is yet to come for me.
I think after this wall of text it is pretty evident that I have manic symptoms. Today I try to sleep again without addictive medication but I will take them more often when I come closer to the exams. Thanks for reading this weird mix of thoughts.
Last edited:
