tyasma
Member
- Oct 14, 2022
- 33
CTB feels like the only possible option at this point.
No treatment has helped me. No drugs, no therapists, no techniques, no physical health self-improvements. Fucking nothing. Years and years and years and years of constant suffering, every single day. Putting on a mask for my disgusting irresponsible abusive family. Putting on a mask outside. Rising up to people's expectations of where I should be in the social ladder. Lying to them. Betraying them. Being lied to. Being betrayed. Being angry and aggressive at myself for putting on that stupid fucking facade. Wanting to kill myself since I was 10 years old. Ostracized from everyone else and taught to hate every last one of them for what gruesome acts they feel they can do to others. Then shoved to isolation for the rest of my life. And still forgetting to call myself "human" at the end of the day, like I am not the exact same as them, or would not act the same had I not been cursed with my family or my looks.
I feel betrayed. By my family, by myself, by reality itself (lol, lmao even), but what can I do? I have no energy whatsoever to do anything anymore other than rot in my bed. Sometimes use the computer, even that I've got to force myself to. Some sort of absurd PTSD related to studying born from failing at school and dropping out of uni several times. And don't even get me started on the "being normal around others" part. I have no one, and nothing to help. Why keep on going? It's just sadness and sadness and anxiety and panic and without a shadow of a doubt brain damage at this point. I feel like cursing my parents for bringing me into this world then being two children about it, but what does that achieve? It changes nothing, and one of them is dead anyway (drugs).
I really do think my life is over. No more hanging on to delusional romance to push myself forward (since it doesn't exist and you're only exploited by people), no more self-esteem (I have none because I didn't have positive feedback loops in my life), no people around to "help" form some sort of social rehab just by being there and maybe helping me in my education and/or getting a simple job. I can't do it. I can't and the pain is too big of an ordeal to deal with all the machinations of the world alone. I once thought I could do it, but I can't. It's not worth it to endure all of this while having nothing good of substance to make life feel... real?
Things won't get better and I already have everything I need to do it. I'm even ok with the idea of dying and being alone while doing so, so not many barriers left to cross after that I imagine.
I once had another account in here and ended up deleting because I still wanted to clutch my way into recovery, but now that that seems unlikely I want to thank you all again for being here and making such a beautiful place apart from the hell outside. And thanks for reading! I wish all of you better luck than I had.
I'm not CTBing yet but it seems like the right time to show my appreciation for this place. Thank you all, SS reminds me a bit of what it's like to feel 'ok' and 'normal' around others. Don't know what else to say so, uhhh, yeah.
No treatment has helped me. No drugs, no therapists, no techniques, no physical health self-improvements. Fucking nothing. Years and years and years and years of constant suffering, every single day. Putting on a mask for my disgusting irresponsible abusive family. Putting on a mask outside. Rising up to people's expectations of where I should be in the social ladder. Lying to them. Betraying them. Being lied to. Being betrayed. Being angry and aggressive at myself for putting on that stupid fucking facade. Wanting to kill myself since I was 10 years old. Ostracized from everyone else and taught to hate every last one of them for what gruesome acts they feel they can do to others. Then shoved to isolation for the rest of my life. And still forgetting to call myself "human" at the end of the day, like I am not the exact same as them, or would not act the same had I not been cursed with my family or my looks.
I feel betrayed. By my family, by myself, by reality itself (lol, lmao even), but what can I do? I have no energy whatsoever to do anything anymore other than rot in my bed. Sometimes use the computer, even that I've got to force myself to. Some sort of absurd PTSD related to studying born from failing at school and dropping out of uni several times. And don't even get me started on the "being normal around others" part. I have no one, and nothing to help. Why keep on going? It's just sadness and sadness and anxiety and panic and without a shadow of a doubt brain damage at this point. I feel like cursing my parents for bringing me into this world then being two children about it, but what does that achieve? It changes nothing, and one of them is dead anyway (drugs).
I really do think my life is over. No more hanging on to delusional romance to push myself forward (since it doesn't exist and you're only exploited by people), no more self-esteem (I have none because I didn't have positive feedback loops in my life), no people around to "help" form some sort of social rehab just by being there and maybe helping me in my education and/or getting a simple job. I can't do it. I can't and the pain is too big of an ordeal to deal with all the machinations of the world alone. I once thought I could do it, but I can't. It's not worth it to endure all of this while having nothing good of substance to make life feel... real?
Things won't get better and I already have everything I need to do it. I'm even ok with the idea of dying and being alone while doing so, so not many barriers left to cross after that I imagine.
I once had another account in here and ended up deleting because I still wanted to clutch my way into recovery, but now that that seems unlikely I want to thank you all again for being here and making such a beautiful place apart from the hell outside. And thanks for reading! I wish all of you better luck than I had.
I'm not CTBing yet but it seems like the right time to show my appreciation for this place. Thank you all, SS reminds me a bit of what it's like to feel 'ok' and 'normal' around others. Don't know what else to say so, uhhh, yeah.
