jamesies
coydog
- Apr 8, 2025
- 17
i don't know what happened. my whole life ive been remarkably resilient given all the awful horrible shit ive been through, ive been vaguely suicidal for much of my life, but recently ive been actually planning, actually wanting it. not being scared or afraid of my state, but scared of not going through with it. i don't even want any professional intervention i just want to be gone.
i have cptsd, my baseline has been suffering for so long. i developed extreme adaptations and coping skills. my brain focused on endurance, not escape. thats kept me from actually doing it in the past is the guilt of hurting those around me, my identity as someone who wouldn't do such a thing, someone who's strong and resilient and hopeful and kind despite everything. someone who survives, endures. but that identity has been cracked. recent events have felt like theyve ruptured my worldview, my meaning, my attachment to others.
i feel like ive lost so much of what makes me me, and that what i am is something defective and just not well adapted for modern life in the slightest. maybe "lost" isnt even the right phrase. i am still me, but im realizing how unsustainable that is. if i have to change who i am just to make it, after spending so long masking myself, then what's the point. why would i live as me, and why would i live as someone else? i cant be me because theres something wrong with me. the two people I really loved told me as such. demanded i tell them i hate them and when i wouldn't, telling me that theres something wrong with me. one of them told me i couldnt trust myself, so to just trust him when he told me i should hate him. i still dont. i never could. i feel so disgusting and evil and wrong and not being able to sort out everything drives me insane and that just goes to show how controlling i must be
i am inhuman and when i say that to people and get "youre the most human person I know" in response it fills me with despair. i dont feel hunan and i dont want to be human, i dont want to be an especially "human" human. ive had case workers comment on my remarkable level of insight, especially for my age, but what use is that insight when all i do with it is torture myself. i try so hard to improve myself and i have but i feel like im losing my mind i will never ever be clean i will always be selfish and disgusting. i want to die so bad
i have cptsd, my baseline has been suffering for so long. i developed extreme adaptations and coping skills. my brain focused on endurance, not escape. thats kept me from actually doing it in the past is the guilt of hurting those around me, my identity as someone who wouldn't do such a thing, someone who's strong and resilient and hopeful and kind despite everything. someone who survives, endures. but that identity has been cracked. recent events have felt like theyve ruptured my worldview, my meaning, my attachment to others.
i feel like ive lost so much of what makes me me, and that what i am is something defective and just not well adapted for modern life in the slightest. maybe "lost" isnt even the right phrase. i am still me, but im realizing how unsustainable that is. if i have to change who i am just to make it, after spending so long masking myself, then what's the point. why would i live as me, and why would i live as someone else? i cant be me because theres something wrong with me. the two people I really loved told me as such. demanded i tell them i hate them and when i wouldn't, telling me that theres something wrong with me. one of them told me i couldnt trust myself, so to just trust him when he told me i should hate him. i still dont. i never could. i feel so disgusting and evil and wrong and not being able to sort out everything drives me insane and that just goes to show how controlling i must be
i am inhuman and when i say that to people and get "youre the most human person I know" in response it fills me with despair. i dont feel hunan and i dont want to be human, i dont want to be an especially "human" human. ive had case workers comment on my remarkable level of insight, especially for my age, but what use is that insight when all i do with it is torture myself. i try so hard to improve myself and i have but i feel like im losing my mind i will never ever be clean i will always be selfish and disgusting. i want to die so bad
