Venting I always regret opening my mouth

[lost_one]

(Just venting as usual, sometimes I even wonder if it isn't better for me to just write these things in my diary instead of here. Because I feel like the only reason I ponst here is I want kindness or re-assurance, and wanting that makes me feel weak and pathetic) Back to the Rant...

I always regret opening my mouth, I am 26 and I have felt like this since I was 10, I say something or I TRY to say something and I instantly regret it, for a million different reasons, people don't want to hear, they shut me down, they walk away mid sentence, or they just seem to not understand me. I always end up frustrated, depressed, regretful of even trying.
I wonder what is so wrong or different about me that no one seems to understand what I am trying to say, I always have to explain myself twice and most people don't even bother to listen for the second time, they laught and make some joke about how weird I am or what I said is and essencially walk away, and I feel this need to explain myself, that what I want to say makes some sense, but people just can't help themselves.

Or they get mad or annoyed at me for rumbling too much, or that they have it worse than me in some way (even if I am just tryin gto explain I am late cause of construction work on the road and the consequential traffic jam).

I feel like I child for crying for something so stupid, I feel stuck like that 10 year old that is being berrated by her father cause she asked him who was on the phone, or because I just talk too much or ask too many questions.

What is wrong with me that no one understands me? is the way I think so different?

I know I could and should be proud and unapologetic about being myself, that being weird is good "The world needs strange girls, Just like me" (it's the lyrics to a Halestorm song - Strange girl), but I don't

I feel like I don't belong in this world

I am also tired of being a failure and of how hard life is... I have so much to do constantly, I have chronic pain issues, and I haven't been sleeping well these past few weeks. I hate myself so much

 

[cicada6865]

I feel this same exact way. I've completely isolated myself from all irl and online friends for the past week to solve this issue. It feels so horrible, I feel like I'm an emotional parasite and I need to shut the fuck up. I can't wait to CTB

 

[Fresh Soju]

Can relate to what you're writing about, and I often wonder if it's autism on my end, but getting help so that I can get assessed for it in a proper way is impossible it seems, welp. Doesn't help being a girl, making it even harder to get diagnosed.

 

[nir]

I'm around the same age and I totally get you. I struggle so much to say the right thing in conversations. I feel like I often am misunderstood/I say the wrong thing accidentally. It fucking sucks.

 

[passedawayinapril]

In school I don't say a word and I make no eye contact. I'm extremely lonely and being alone is the best for me I believe