Help How to Make Suicidal Ideation Stop

[Nihil]

So I've been somewhat on the road to recovery from severe depression, and have been making active strides in trying to improve my life. Got a good job, my own car, am slowly paying down debts, and for once, I have hope that things might get better. My previous depressive episode was the worst in my life, and I had a few auditory and visual hallucinations in the midst of it. Also had a few suicide attempts. I don't have suicidal hallucinations anymore, but I have found that suicidal ideation can come right back on quite fiercely whenever I get overwhelmed with stress or have had a bad day. My brain literally obsesses over it, I get a roaring headache, and it then starts to dissipate after a few hours. During the midst of it, I greatly struggle in trying to make it stop, but it's as though my brain forces the suicidal thoughts onto me. Like, if there's some external stressor at work that even turns out to be nothing, the suicidal ideation comes back on fiercely and then slowly fades afterwards.

Why is my brain doing that to me? Is this something that's going to be the new normal for me? Have I permanently damaged my brain from previous suicide attempts? I haven't sustained any physical injuries, but the psychological trauma, I wonder...if it's permanently altered my brain chemistry. I don't know. Some days when the ideation comes on strong, it can make it hard to get through the day, let alone recover with trying to rebuild my life. I have found that nowadays, it's a lot harder for me to cope with external stressors. My default mental response to it seems to be more suicidal ideation. Does anyone in recovery experience this sort of thing? If so, do you have any techniques/advice for lessening suicidal ideation whenever it flares up from a random stressor?

 

[woxihuanni]

I'm sure more helpful people will come along presently. Hope you recover fully.

I don't know, suicide for me has never been an impulsive thing, but a hard decision. Do reach out here when you struggle, though.

 

[pole]

So I've been somewhat on the road to recovery from severe depression, and have been making active strides in trying to improve my life. Got a good job, my own car, am slowly paying down debts, and for once, I have hope that things might get better. My previous depressive episode was the worst in my life, and I had a few auditory and visual hallucinations in the midst of it. Also had a few suicide attempts. I don't have suicidal hallucinations anymore, but I have found that suicidal ideation can come right back on quite fiercely whenever I get overwhelmed with stress or have had a bad day. My brain literally obsesses over it, I get a roaring headache, and it then starts to dissipate after a few hours. During the midst of it, I greatly struggle in trying to make it stop, but it's as though my brain forces the suicidal thoughts onto me. Like, if there's some external stressor at work that even turns out to be nothing, the suicidal ideation comes back on fiercely and then slowly fades afterwards.

Why is my brain doing that to me? Is this something that's going to be the new normal for me? Have I permanently damaged my brain from previous suicide attempts? I haven't sustained any physical injuries, but the psychological trauma, I wonder...if it's permanently altered my brain chemistry. I don't know. Some days when the ideation comes on strong, it can make it hard to get through the day, let alone recover with trying to rebuild my life. I have found that nowadays, it's a lot harder for me to cope with external stressors. My default mental response to it seems to be more suicidal ideation. Does anyone in recovery experience this sort of thing? If so, do you have any techniques/advice for lessening suicidal ideation whenever it flares up from a random stressor?

dont be alone.

when these ideations occur, never isolate urself for them to grow and grow and grow, and for ur negative thoughts to further chime in.

force yourself out of ur way to go out, whether it be a social setting like with friends, literally just even shopping or needing to get groceries. going to the gym, doing anything that can take ur mind off the ideations but also help u be AROUND PEOPLE and less alone, helps minimize the ideations and stop them from getting worse for me. i find when im around people, talking to people, the ideations reduce. or forcing myself to doing chores in an open social setting outside my house, where im not alone and in isolation.

hope somehow this helps and you continue to feel better.

 

[Nihil]

Thank you, both of you. Ironically enough though, I'm around a lot of people at work, and they're all like a family to me. I love it there a million times more than where I live currently. I've made a lot of friends at work, and have more self-confidence. I do, truly. But like, if there's some dumb family drama at home, or there's a lot of extra work to be done in a short deadline, or if some past PTSD-like trigger occurs, the ideation comes back very quickly and strongly. I'm proud of where I work, yet it's near the top of a skyscraper. And when I look out the windows and the ideation occurs, all I can think about is wanting to jump. Of course, I actually can't do that there since I don't have rooftop access, but still...you know? It's just paralyzing sometimes and a little terrifying to deal with. No one knows of my previous attempts or how much I've struggled with depression, anxiety, PTSD, and suicide stuff aside from the kind folks here. I don't want to be involuntarily committed and thrown into tens of thousands of dollars of additional medical debt, which is why I mostly try to silently fight it on my own.

Still, when I see articles like this: https://newatlas.com/suicidal-thoughts-brain-imaging/51977/, I get real concerned with my own symptoms. I...don't know if I have injured my biological brain from previous suicide attempts and the ensuing psychological trauma. Like this image below kind of scares me to be honest. If suicide attemptors can be identified through brain scans, then...well...I don't know. I'm no medical expert, but it just makes me worry like if I have a disease in my physical brain that warrants medical treatment or something, or if it's all "just in my head." I don't know, you know? Social support certainly helps, but it is hard fighting this stuff on my own. I'd love to be open about what I've suffered through to everyone, but the social taboos in society with respect to suicide and all the risks I could incur are why I largely keep any form of suicide talk on this forum and no where else.

 

[woxihuanni]

I don't think brains are that straightforward. I attempted once because of unemployment, then went on and succeeded well in life. Now I want to die again because of circumstances, but would want to live if circumstances were different. What I'm driving at is that an attempt did not leave me inherently suicidal, it is only circumstances. We are resilient, have courage and reach out to us. Hugs

 

[pole]

Thank you, both of you. Ironically enough though, I'm around a lot of people at work, and they're all like a family to me. I love it there a million times more than where I live currently. I've made a lot of friends at work, and have more self-confidence. I do, truly. But like, if there's some dumb family drama at home, or there's a lot of extra work to be done in a short deadline, or if some past PTSD-like trigger occurs, the ideation comes back very quickly and strongly. I'm proud of where I work, yet it's near the top of a skyscraper. And when I look out the windows and the ideation occurs, all I can think about is wanting to jump. Of course, I actually can't do that there since I don't have rooftop access, but still...you know? It's just paralyzing sometimes and a little terrifying to deal with. No one knows of my previous attempts or how much I've struggled with depression, anxiety, PTSD, and suicide stuff aside from the kind folks here. I don't want to be involuntarily committed and thrown into tens of thousands of dollars of additional medical debt, which is why I mostly try to silently fight it on my own.

Still, when I see articles like this: https://newatlas.com/suicidal-thoughts-brain-imaging/51977/, I get real concerned with my own symptoms. I...don't know if I have injured my biological brain from previous suicide attempts and the ensuing psychological trauma. Like this image below kind of scares me to be honest. If suicide attemptors can be identified through brain scans, then...well...I don't know. I'm no medical expert, but it just makes me worry like if I have a disease in my physical brain that warrants medical treatment or something, or if it's all "just in my head." I don't know, you know? Social support certainly helps, but it is hard fighting this stuff on my own. I'd love to be open about what I've suffered through to everyone, but the social taboos in society with respect to suicide and all the risks I could incur are why I largely keep any form of suicide talk on this forum and no where else.

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id suggest voicing ur concerns to a specialist and getting it checked out. only then will you be at peace and at ease and not worry or overthink it.

i loved work more than i loved living at home. if i had the chance to work for free, i would there. it was like a family. they were my support system, they understood me and i understood them. i was 20000000x happier at work than at home. at home alone is where my ideations occur, so being at work, and being around people helped so much.

im sorry :(. yeah the skyscraper thing is tough definitely. i just feel like theres gotta be ways to somehow outrun those ideations when they pop up, like just ignore them. even when they pop up, at work, maybe just instead of being frozen in one spot, thinking and thinking, just taking a quick little break and just going outside and getting fresh air? or just talking to someone to get ur mind off it.

 

[GreyMonkey]

There are supplements that can help the brain and nervous system to deal with stress.

This is what antidepressants try to do but often at too high a cost.

I've been supplementing with a few things that seems to help me with the stress overload from my own emotions. It doesn't sort out other aspects of my life though like self sabotage and unemployment stress.

Considering you have good work though they may help.

Nootropicsexpert.com

This is a good place to start. I supplement with l-tyrosine, alpha gpc, aniracetam, sulbutiamine, acetyl carnitine, fish oil, vitamin d, zinc in the morning.

And tryptophan, magnesium and b-vitaimins in the evening.

 

[k75]

I don't know how you feel about medication, but lithium is known to help with suicidal ideation. The catch is, not everyone can tolerate a high enough dose for it to work and you have to be closely monitored for lithium toxicity while taking it.

I was on it, and it completely eliminated my suicidal thoughts and urges. Like magic, it was all just gone. And they were BAD. Unfortunately, the dose was too high for me and had to be decreased, and the lower dose didn't work. I'm worse now than ever before, and nothing helps. But if you're open to that sort of thing, it might be worth a try.

 

[Nihil]

I'm on 100 mg of Zoloft each day, and also take vitamin B12, vitamin D, and calcium supplements, along with HRT since I'm mtf trans. I'll look into some of the other supplements mentioned in this thread. My Zoloft though used to be 150 mg, but was lowered because I was becoming very forgetful. It's helped pull me out a lot of my depression, but not 100%. I'm being kept on it for a few more months to prevent risk of "relapse." I have seen a professional, but I never discuss or hint at anything relating to the subject of suicide. I don't want to lose my job over it, I don't want to be riddled with medical debt, and I don't want a mark on my record. Healthiest thing to do is reach out for support, yes, but when mentioning anything suicide-related to general society can lead to a whole bunch of negative complications that could leave you worse off, well...it becomes too risky to truly reach out. If I ever talk about my problems to a professional, it's a "less intense" modified version of what I go through, minus anything relating to suicide. I'm only able to truly speak out here without fear of repercussion.

 

[stellabelle]

Like, if there's some external stressor at work that even turns out to be nothing, the suicidal ideation comes back on fiercely and then slowly fades afterwards.

I experience something similar. Sometimes it stays around for days. I'm not sure how to stop it other than trying to distract oneself and stay busy.

 

[okkkk]

I don't know how you feel about medication, but lithium is known to help with suicidal ideation. The catch is, not everyone can tolerate a high enough dose for it to work and you have to be closely monitored for lithium toxicity while taking it.

I was on it, and it completely eliminated my suicidal thoughts and urges. Like magic, it was all just gone. And they were BAD. Unfortunately, the dose was too high for me and had to be decreased, and the lower dose didn't work. I'm worse now than ever before, and nothing helps. But if you're open to that sort of thing, it might be worth a try.

I heard lithium makes all your emotions flatline permanently. Have your feelings come back at all since being off of it? How does it effect anxiety? Imagining all the stress and nervousness I feel dissapear sounds pretty nice.

 

[k75]

I heard lithium makes all your emotions flatline permanently. Have your feelings come back at all since being off of it? How does it effect anxiety? Imagining all the stress and nervousness I feel dissapear sounds pretty nice.

I didn't have any side effects like that. I've also heard stories about it turning people into zombies and whatever, but that was not my experience. Although, meds in general don't seem to do that to me, so it's probably a case where it affects everyone differently. I was already suffering from extreme anhedonia when I started the drug, so I was already having trouble with flatlined emotions. But I don't believe anything was made worse or permanently altered because I took it.

It's hard to say for sure, because people told me I seemed better, but from my perspective, all it did was affect my suicidal ideation and the feelings I had directly caused by that. But I was still super depressed and my normal anxiety was untouched. I had separate meds to try to combat that stuff, which I think is common. But just having that little self-destructive part vanish felt so freaking good! I'm very sad I couldn't keep taking it.

Since I've been off, the urges have come back. I'd say they started creeping back in as soon as the lithium was out of my system. It wasn't a sudden thing. Just, one day I caught myself forming serious plans again. It's escalated from there.

I'm also not on any psychiatric meds at the moment, and it's all worse than ever. I don't think having taken lithium caused this, just that I obviously benefitted from taking it and now my feelings are unchecked.

If you're interested, here's a more detailed thing I wrote about my experience with it. Sorry for the lazy... just don't have the energy to rewrite.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/lithium.20547/post-385536

 

[ArtsyDrawer]

I don't know, you know?

I know this is completely unrelated, but those five words, the arrangement, the context they came from, the context they give, and how they affect the flow of the post.
Pure genius.

 

[your pathologist]

I'm on 100 mg of Zoloft each day, and also take vitamin B12, vitamin D, and calcium supplements, along with HRT since I'm mtf trans. I'll look into some of the other supplements mentioned in this thread. My Zoloft though used to be 150 mg, but was lowered because I was becoming very forgetful. It's helped pull me out a lot of my depression, but not 100%. I'm being kept on it for a few more months to prevent risk of "relapse." I have seen a professional, but I never discuss or hint at anything relating to the subject of suicide. I don't want to lose my job over it, I don't want to be riddled with medical debt, and I don't want a mark on my record. Healthiest thing to do is reach out for support, yes, but when mentioning anything suicide-related to general society can lead to a whole bunch of negative complications that could leave you worse off, well...it becomes too risky to truly reach out. If I ever talk about my problems to a professional, it's a "less intense" modified version of what I go through, minus anything relating to suicide. I'm only able to truly speak out here without fear of repercussion.

My memory is also greatly affected by my use of antidepressants [cymbalta for me]
Have you found a way to improve this?
Although i have cognitive issues that have appeared as well.. [reading comprehension and learning etc]

 

[CFLoser]

I'm on 100 mg of Zoloft each day, and also take vitamin B12, vitamin D, and calcium supplements, along with HRT since I'm mtf trans. I'll look into some of the other supplements mentioned in this thread. My Zoloft though used to be 150 mg, but was lowered because I was becoming very forgetful. It's helped pull me out a lot of my depression, but not 100%. I'm being kept on it for a few more months to prevent risk of "relapse." I have seen a professional, but I never discuss or hint at anything relating to the subject of suicide. I don't want to lose my job over it, I don't want to be riddled with medical debt, and I don't want a mark on my record. Healthiest thing to do is reach out for support, yes, but when mentioning anything suicide-related to general society can lead to a whole bunch of negative complications that could leave you worse off, well...it becomes too risky to truly reach out. If I ever talk about my problems to a professional, it's a "less intense" modified version of what I go through, minus anything relating to suicide. I'm only able to truly speak out here without fear of repercussion.

Would recommend you take Vitamin K2 (Mk4 and Mk7) if you're taking any Calcium supplements. It's a necessary vitamin for a lot of things.
Magnesium would help too.

Good luck.

 

[SelfHatingAspie]

I heard lithium makes all your emotions flatline permanently. Have your feelings come back at all since being off of it? How does it effect anxiety? Imagining all the stress and nervousness I feel dissapear sounds pretty nice.

Maybe I didn't take enough of it, but lithium didn't have that effect on me. That said, it did attenuate some of my emotions just slightly. I was taken off lithium because it was putting my blood pressure into high stage 2 hypertension territory.

One thing that helped me with depression and ideation a while back was tDCS (Transcranial direct-current stimulation). This was self-administered via a kit I bought online. The only trouble with tDCS is that it ended up putting me into a manic phase, where I got a lot of shit done but I was also harder to deal with than usual. It's also a bit uncomfortable at times, mainly the phosphors that go through the eyes when turning the tDCS device on and off. I still have the kit somewhere, but I haven't used it for ages because I can't find it. :\

As for suicidal ideation, I hope the OP finds something to address it. If that's not possible, then maybe they might just have to make peace with the fact that the ideation is just ongoing background noise in their mind (that's how I've come to terms with it in my case).

Nootropicsexpert.com

This is a good place to start. I supplement with l-tyrosine, alpha gpc, aniracetam, sulbutiamine, acetyl carnitine, fish oil, vitamin d, zinc in the morning.

And tryptophan, magnesium and b-vitaimins in the evening.

Nootropics is something that didn't occur to me, although it was something I was heavily into when I was pushing myself extra hard for the sake of my career a few years back. Thanks for the reminder, I'll need to revisit it to see if it can help get me out of my current depressive phase.

 

[Nihil]

One thing that helped me with depression and ideation a while back was tDCS (Transcranial direct-current stimulation). This was self-administered via a kit I bought online. The only trouble with tDCS is that it ended up putting me into a manic phase, where I got a lot of shit done but I was also harder to deal with than usual. It's also a bit uncomfortable at times, mainly the phosphors that go through the eyes when turning the tDCS device on and off. I still have the kit somewhere, but I haven't used it for ages because I can't find it. :\

As for suicidal ideation, I hope the OP finds something to address it. If that's not possible, then maybe they might just have to make peace with the fact that the ideation is just ongoing background noise in their mind (that's how I've come to terms with it in my case).

I've read about transcranial direct-current stimulation. To be honest, I've really been curious about giving either that or light therapy a try, as long as it doesn't throw me into crippling medical debt. Do you by chance remember the name or brand of the kit you bought online, and where online you bought it? I'd love to look more into this.

Would recommend you take Vitamin K2 (Mk4 and Mk7) if you're taking any Calcium supplements. It's a necessary vitamin for a lot of things.
Magnesium would help too.

Good luck.

Thank you for the recommendation. I'll look into getting that on the next grocery run.

My memory is also greatly affected by my use of antidepressants [cymbalta for me]
Have you found a way to improve this?
Although i have cognitive issues that have appeared as well.. [reading comprehension and learning etc]

When I was on 150 mg of Zoloft, my brain fog was getting really bad. I remember losing my wallet for a week, locking myself out of my car, misplacing things, and forgetting what I was thinking mid-sentence a lot of the time. Thinking felt like it was too hard to do. Strangely, since being on 100 mg of Zoloft, the majority of my brain fog is gone. However, I do notice small tidbits of it now and then, though usually it's nowhere near as bad as it was on the higher dosage. I know getting off Zoloft would get rid of the brain fog completely, but I want to follow my doctor's advice and stick with it for the next four or five months. I don't want psychotic depression to come back on full force. That was absolutely terrifying.

I know this is completely unrelated, but those five words, the arrangement, the context they came from, the context they give, and how they affect the flow of the post.
Pure genius.

"He who acknowledges he is not wise, is the wisest of them all." -Socrates

 

[scorpiooo2]

For me it never goes away. I hope it may for you.

 

[your pathologist]

I've read about transcranial direct-current stimulation. To be honest, I've really been curious about giving either that or light therapy a try, as long as it doesn't throw me into crippling medical debt. Do you by chance remember the name or brand of the kit you bought online, and where online you bought it? I'd love to look more into this.



Thank you for the recommendation. I'll look into getting that on the next grocery run.



When I was on 150 mg of Zoloft, my brain fog was getting really bad. I remember losing my wallet for a week, locking myself out of my car, misplacing things, and forgetting what I was thinking mid-sentence a lot of the time. Thinking felt like it was too hard to do. Strangely, since being on 100 mg of Zoloft, the majority of my brain fog is gone. However, I do notice small tidbits of it now and then, though usually it's nowhere near as bad as it was on the higher dosage. I know getting off Zoloft would get rid of the brain fog completely, but I want to follow my doctor's advice and stick with it for the next four or five months. I don't want psychotic depression to come back on full force. That was absolutely terrifying.



"He who acknowledges he is not wise, is the wisest of them all." -Socrates

Im also terrified to get off my antidepressants that started all my issues
When i stop taking them i have suicidal insomnia
And think of nothing but death so.
Still do but, i can find joy in something. Way better than not

 

[SelfHatingAspie]

I've read about transcranial direct-current stimulation. To be honest, I've really been curious about giving either that or light therapy a try, as long as it doesn't throw me into crippling medical debt. Do you by chance remember the name or brand of the kit you bought online, and where online you bought it? I'd love to look more into this.

The kit I bought was the cheapest and most basic one I could find, which I found at tdcs-kit.com back in 2014. The website is still going and it looks like they've updated their machine. The current tdcs-kit machine has different power levels settings on it, whereas the one I bought just has the one setting (2mA).

The price has gone up too, the new model is $99. I paid about $50 for my tDCS unit back in 2014.

Also check out /r/tdcs for info on tDCS and montages (a montage being the instructions on where to apply the tDCS pads to achieve certain outcomes e.g. treat depression, improve memory etc).