ladidabi
Losing all hope is freedom.
- Mar 19, 2023
- 41
I feel terrible. Even thought I got to recover from my bad habits, I still can't get the urge off of me. I manage to stabilize myself for the most part, and I have days where it's harder, and my mind just shuts down to protect itself from both external and internal stressors. I go numb.
Birthdays are a reminder that I am one year older, and this is the first time I feel such disgust knowing that I survived a year that I never thought I would see. It's nauseating. It's ironic, because one would think that's an achievement. I see it as a failure to end suffering, and a sweet, fat reminder where I can get physical proof that I'm completely invisible, as nobody seems to know. I like to tell myself it doesn't matter, but something in me is still hurt from not being seen, especially on my birthday, as it's to mark the day you came to life. Though likely just an illusion, but my phone feels quieter than usual on this day, even though I never really get any messages or notifications from people.
Today is just another reminder that I do not matter. On my last birthday I ran away from home without any warning. Spent the day drinking alone until I passed out in my new place at the time, due to threats from family and getting triggered a almost year long manic episode. It's currently 3 am, and I am not looking forward to today. As mentioned, it's a quiet day, and that's what makes it uncomfortable. The constant reminder of being unseen just confirms my suspicions of not having a place in what could've been a safe, supporting, including network. I'm sad I haven't managed to ctb yet. I feel like an absolute failure.
Birthdays are a reminder that I am one year older, and this is the first time I feel such disgust knowing that I survived a year that I never thought I would see. It's nauseating. It's ironic, because one would think that's an achievement. I see it as a failure to end suffering, and a sweet, fat reminder where I can get physical proof that I'm completely invisible, as nobody seems to know. I like to tell myself it doesn't matter, but something in me is still hurt from not being seen, especially on my birthday, as it's to mark the day you came to life. Though likely just an illusion, but my phone feels quieter than usual on this day, even though I never really get any messages or notifications from people.
Today is just another reminder that I do not matter. On my last birthday I ran away from home without any warning. Spent the day drinking alone until I passed out in my new place at the time, due to threats from family and getting triggered a almost year long manic episode. It's currently 3 am, and I am not looking forward to today. As mentioned, it's a quiet day, and that's what makes it uncomfortable. The constant reminder of being unseen just confirms my suspicions of not having a place in what could've been a safe, supporting, including network. I'm sad I haven't managed to ctb yet. I feel like an absolute failure.