Venting How to let go of hope for good, in sickness or in health

[nozomu]

I hate hope. I was hopeless before last month.

When I had no hope, my method worked to instill courage to push through in me. It was great. I felt sad sometimes that my end could be soon. But rarely did I feel fear. Without hope you can be fearless.

Now things started to look up. I started to develop hope again and with it, the associated fear of things getting bad again. The fear my hard work to recovery will be pointless and I'll end up at rock bottom again, crying alone on the ground without a soul in the world to mourn my passing as I take that final drink.

I hate hope for allowing these fears back into my heart. I hate it so much. I just want to live the life I have left with courage. Boldness. And then go when I'm ready. Hope is torment. It is not inspiring. It creates room for fear.

I always knew I would die by suicide, but will it be a suicide of pain and loneliness, an escape, or will it be a liberating suicide, a send off with my loved ones after I've lived a fulfilling courageous life?

I guess we'll find out, but today I'm feeling like I'm going to die a beat down coward. Recovery feels like a mistake today. I want to reach that fulfilled life. But I don't think I can get there with all this fear in my heart.

 

[SoftWorries]

I have completely given up hope a long time ago. You can live within it. Hope is like a sun beam breaking through the rocks of a cave. You can't grasp it, it can't nourish you, and once it's gone your eyes can adjust to the darkness.

Hope has never been healthy for me. It leads to despair so easily.

I don't hope to get better. Instead I'm trying to carve myself a place in the world where I can function with my PTSD. And for the most part it's working.

 

[unnormal9]

Let going of hope or divorcing it?

 

[nozomu]

Let going of hope or divorcing it?

Explain ? It might be helpful for me to understand

 

[Twistedliesinside]

I only know that great depression has freed me from anxiety, fear and expectation. Acceptance of any possibilities is the only thing allowing me a sense of liberation. Life has its ups and many downs, but an unchanging perspective is valuable to remain grounded rather than unhinged. Conquer your worries, throw away all care and defeat death's grip on you to escape fear of pain and loneliness. Find a way to rid yourself of all that controls your mind and maybe then you can go on to live and die boldly with courage.

 

[Challu]

Hope is good if you trust in God.
Hoping in anything else will always be pointless.

 

[unnormal9]

Explain ? It might be helpful for me to understand

'In sickness or in health.' And/or in health. I don't understand that part of the title.

Hope is good if you trust in God.
Hoping in anything else will always be pointless.

Yeah, while I'm at it let me hope that I can cast magic one day too!

 

[nozomu]

'In sickness or in health.' And/or in health. I don't understand that part of the title.

I don't want hope when I'm well or when I'm sick... When I was lower and had no hope in things, it was almost easier to live that way

 

[nozomu]

Hope is good if you trust in God.
Hoping in anything else will always be pointless.

If that works for you, then good, but god ain't doing shit for me and has never done shit for me

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that any kind of hope is just a way to lead to even more suffering once it's inevitably taken away, as the reality is that life is cruel and disappointing.

 

[nozomu]

I only know that great depression has freed me from anxiety, fear and expectation. Acceptance of any possibilities is the only thing allowing me a sense of liberation. Life has its ups and many downs, but an unchanging perspective is valuable to remain grounded rather than unhinged. Conquer your worries, throw away all care and defeat death's grip on you to escape fear of pain and loneliness. Find a way to rid yourself of all that controls your mind and maybe then you can go on to live and die boldly with courage.

I am no longer afraid of death and haven't been for a long time. But what I do fear is not truly living.

What a waste of time it would be, to be alive but not live. I would rather be long gone than have sat through a life like that.

I know the life I want, but I always feel pathetic, like it is barely within reach for me. Its like I am out of breath trying to grasp it.

 

[nozomu]

I think that any kind of hope is just a way to lead to even more suffering once it's inevitably taken away, as the reality is that life is cruel and disappointing.

This is why I wish to be rid of hope. I don't know how to get rid of it. It's only gone when I'm at my lowest. But I don't want to live life so low, either

 

[TAW122]

Excellent thread @nozomu ! I enjoyed reading about your story as well as your experiences within life. Yes, "hope" itself can be a dangerous and harmful thing, especially for allowing fear (and doubt) to creep into one's own life as well as causing psychological distress over things. I find it cringey when pro-lifers use it in such a platitude, false promise-like fashion. It means that pro-lifers just ignore whatever pain and suffering we are going through and seeks to go through the motions while patting themselves on the back for virtuous.

 

[howswho]

Jeez

 

[nozomu]

Jeez

What? I'm allowed to vent

 

[AerialBoundaries]

Where were you when I was burned and broken?
While the days slipped by from my window watching
And where were you when I was hurt and I was helpless?
'Cause the things you say and the things you do surround me
While you were hanging yourself on someone else's words
Dying to believe in what you heard
I was staring straight into the shining sun
Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of life and the seeds of change were planted
Outside, the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the waiting had begun
And headed straight into the shining sun.

Sorry, but I'm a big Pink Floyd fan. I'm in the same situation.

 

[nozomu]

Where were you when I was burned and broken?
While the days slipped by from my window watching
And where were you when I was hurt and I was helpless?
'Cause the things you say and the things you do surround me
While you were hanging yourself on someone else's words
Dying to believe in what you heard
I was staring straight into the shining sun
Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of life and the seeds of change were planted
Outside, the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the waiting had begun
And headed straight into the shining sun.

Sorry, but I'm a big Pink Floyd fan. I'm in the same situation.

Giving it a listen now. Really relatable.

 

[AerialBoundaries]

Giving it a listen now. Really rela

Where were you when I was burned and broken?
While the days slipped by from my window watching
And where were you when I was hurt and I was helpless?
'Cause the things you say and the things you do surround me
While you were hanging yourself on someone else's words
Dying to believe in what you heard
I was staring straight into the shining sun
Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of life and the seeds of change were planted
Outside, the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the waiting had begun
And headed straight into the shining sun.

Sorry, but I'm a big Pink Floyd fan. I'm in the same situation.

I love you all, friends. I miss you all, too.
If I try and sleep, I might not make it. At this point. I don't give a fuck
If I try and sleep, I might not make it. At this point. I don't give a fuck
If I try and sleep, I might not make it. At this point. I don't give a fuck

 

[unnormal9]

I don't want hope when I'm well or when I'm sick... When I was lower and had no hope in things, it was almost easier to live that way

I get it. I don't have hope because hope only brings disappointment. -amy sorel.

 

[howswho]

What? I'm allowed to vent

Of course you are, I didn't mean that in a bad way. I've just never heard of someone wanting to get rid of hope and it's not something I've considered before. I wish you the best

 

[nozomu]

Of course you are, I didn't mean that in a bad way. I've just never heard of someone wanting to get rid of hope and it's not something I've considered before. I wish you the best

Thanks for clarifying

 

[NoLoveNoHope]

I can't give you any advice myself but I have heard of optimistic nihilism and that may be something you're looking for. To sum it up from my understanding it's the belief that nothing is meaningless (nihilism) but that you should live it on your own terms since it doesn't matter (optimisim).

I hope things can get better for you.

 

[Ambivalent1]

Is that a wedding vow?

 

[nozomu]

Is that a wedding vow?

lmao i wish i was getting tied up to despair because it's the only way to live without being burdened by fear