Venting Anyone else completely enslaved by fear?

[esistzeit]

I lack the courage to do anything. Even the simplest of things makes me nervous and hesitant.

Fear controls my life completely. All I do is sit still afraid of feeling any more pain. Completely paralyzed and powerless. Even in my nightmares I just stand still instead of fighting...

Even now that I finally have everything ready to go away for good, I still lack the courage to actually do it. It's so infuriating! I'm afraid to live AND I'm afraid to die. It's embarrassing... What a man I am.

Does anyone relate?

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

Very much. I have made so many mistakes and am fearful about everything. CTB means not experiencing the pain of reality so I welcome it

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Yep, I'm enslaved by fear because I'm too scared to kill myself. I'll only be free once I'm dead but I'm too scared to actually make it happen

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I have a loaded shotgun in my hand but too scared to pull the trigger

Scared it might fail

I Have to find the courage

 

[mercutiomartis]

I'm at this weird standstill where I'm both afraid to make a solid decision to ctb but also afraid to consider grinning and bearing it

 

[ctbstation]

I have severe OCD that developed in the last few months (I had OCD before, but it was just minor stuff before then), and it's basically crippled my life. I can barely work, I come home and just look at everything around me and find new things to worry about. The carpet looks weird, the A/C sounds weird, the shower drain looks like it has a little water in it so that definitely means it's going to back up and flood my apartment. I got prescribed benzos but build up a tolerance to them too quickly. My only hope is that one of my many health problems finally takes me sooner rather than later, or I can finally get the courage to CTB.

 

[NoPoint2Life]

I have severe OCD with contamination and I never even thought about some of my worries being part of it. Like you said with the shower situation and if my toilet sounds funny when I flush, I'm convinced it's going to break and then plumbers will have to be in my bathroom, which is an absolute nightmare situation for me. The anxiety I got about that kind of stuff was really bad for several months. Xanax and lamictal seems to have helped.

 

[SoulWhisperer]

I do, I am terrified of others because most of the time all they do is hurt me directly or indirectly. If I had anything to CTB with I'd force myself out to escape from this misery. The more I live the more my family abuses and tells me how insignificant, bad and useless I am. They are like coins, 2 faces. Except both are bad and one on side they see me as a parasite (they literally called me that more than once) and the other they see me as their doll to control freely just to make up for their failures.

Because they failed to even get a diploma they expect me to exceed in everything and become what they didn't. This is not the way it works, especially if you treat me like shit. If conditions weren't as dire I wouldn't feel like this.

 

[esistzeit]

I do, I am terrified of others because most of the time all they do is hurt me directly or indirectly. If I had anything to CTB with I'd force myself out to escape from this misery. The more I live the more my family abuses and tells me how insignificant, bad and useless I am. They are like coins, 2 faces. Except both are bad and one on side they see me as a parasite (they literally called me that more than once) and the other they see me as their doll to control freely just to make up for their failures.

Because they failed to even get a diploma they expect me to exceed in everything and become what they didn't. This is not the way it works, especially if you treat me like shit. If conditions weren't as dire I wouldn't feel like this.

This reminds of the song "Numb" by Linkin Park