Discussion How to handle guilt and imposter syndrome while planning to ctb?

[Midnightkitty]

Hi there. First real post I guess.

I have been planning to ctb for a little under a year after some events last January left me with so much guilt that I don't believe it is worth living with. I've had suicidal ideation since I was around 12 years old, though.

The big issue I keep running into while planning it is that I have a loving boyfriend and friends who care deeply about me. I am under no illusion of this, despite the occasional BPD episode temporarily convincing me otherwise. I look at the situations of others planning to kill themselves and can't help but wonder 'why do I deserve to escape and hurt all of these people when my situation isn't nearly as bad as theirs?'

The thought of what they'll feel and think once they find my body drives a knife into my heart every time I think about it.

 

[U. A.]

Everyone deserves just as much of a shot at a life worth living as they do a death with dignity.
Many of us have neither. It's not easy.

 

[honeythunder]

What happened in January that upset you so much?

 

[Midnightkitty]

What happened in January that upset you so much?

I accidentally killed my boyfriend's childhood dog.

 

[honeythunder]

Ouch Ouch Ouch that pain must be unbearable. Im sure it was a terrible accident and you are loosing sleep over it. Did he leave you? Are you sure he's okay with loosing you both?

 

[Midnightkitty]

Ouch Ouch Ouch that pain must be unbearable. Im sure it was a terrible accident and you are loosing sleep over it. Did he leave you? Are you sure he's okay with loosing you both?

I haven't stopped thinking about it for a year. The day it happened I had a suicidal breakdown. He's upset with me that he had to take care of me during the worst grief of his life, which is completely understandable. I know he will be hurt by me being gone but I never want to risk causing anyone that kind of hurt again.

 

[honeythunder]

Im so sorry that happened to both of you, are you in the US? What is your CTB plan?

 

[Midnightkitty]

Im so sorry that happened to both of you, are you in the US? What is your CTB plan?

I am in the US. I don't have a solid plan yet, as both of the methods that were available to me are not guaranteed and have a high chance of disabling me if I failed.