BlueMist96
Tired
- May 12, 2026
- 101
My OCD has had many themes over the course of my life. One of the big ones was health. I practically spent an entire year in a continuous panic attack, just rotting away in bed. It's ironic, but living like that actually caused some health issues I'm still recovering from.
Anyways, as my mental health has gotten worse over the years, and I've started considering suicide as an option, it's had the side effect of completely getting rid of my health OCD. It wasn't immediate, but over time, as certain triggers would happen and I'd start to panic, I'd think to myself "wait, I actually don't care if I'm dying" and It would just stop.
I used to be fucking terrified of getting rabies. Like, it was genuinely one of my worst fears. I was out for a walk tonight, and what felt like a bat (or maybe just a large bug? Idk) brushed up against the side of my head. I felt that old part of my brain light up, but then it just stopped. I realized that I genuinely don't care anymore, In fact, I'd be perfectly fine with it. At least I'd be able to die in a hospital, drugged up out of my mind with my family by my side.
If there's anyone on here that's got any form of OCD, the best piece of advice I can give you is that the best time to get help is right now. It may seem like the current theme you're dealing with is the worst thing possible, but trust me, it can and WILL get worse if you let it do it's thing. Every theme I've ever had has felt like the worst thing ever in the moment, but every time I've "gotten over" one, it's been replaced by something 1000x worse. Looking back on how stupid the shit I used to worry about when I was younger was makes me want to build a time machine and kick my own ass. If I had gotten help back then, I probably would have ended up much better than I am now.
I would take my own advice, but I'm at the point where suicide sounds better than spending years trying to untangle the absolute mess that is my brain. I'm fucking tired.
Anyways, as my mental health has gotten worse over the years, and I've started considering suicide as an option, it's had the side effect of completely getting rid of my health OCD. It wasn't immediate, but over time, as certain triggers would happen and I'd start to panic, I'd think to myself "wait, I actually don't care if I'm dying" and It would just stop.
I used to be fucking terrified of getting rabies. Like, it was genuinely one of my worst fears. I was out for a walk tonight, and what felt like a bat (or maybe just a large bug? Idk) brushed up against the side of my head. I felt that old part of my brain light up, but then it just stopped. I realized that I genuinely don't care anymore, In fact, I'd be perfectly fine with it. At least I'd be able to die in a hospital, drugged up out of my mind with my family by my side.
If there's anyone on here that's got any form of OCD, the best piece of advice I can give you is that the best time to get help is right now. It may seem like the current theme you're dealing with is the worst thing possible, but trust me, it can and WILL get worse if you let it do it's thing. Every theme I've ever had has felt like the worst thing ever in the moment, but every time I've "gotten over" one, it's been replaced by something 1000x worse. Looking back on how stupid the shit I used to worry about when I was younger was makes me want to build a time machine and kick my own ass. If I had gotten help back then, I probably would have ended up much better than I am now.
I would take my own advice, but I'm at the point where suicide sounds better than spending years trying to untangle the absolute mess that is my brain. I'm fucking tired.
