How to be brave?

[halfbloodprince]

I can't find the courage to kill myself. I bought 3 kg of sodium nitrite but I threw it away because I didn't have the courage. just the idea of preparing the whole kit to die worries me: nitrite, antiemetic, sedatives, painkiller... I would like to know how to make the decision without regretting it. I've been suffering from depression since 2017 and I really want to end it. I have tried many drugs, four hospitalizations in psychiatry, tms, now I am undergoing a treatment with Esketamine which, however, is not finished and does not seem to work.

 

[SilentSadness]

I agree that ctb is horrendously difficult, even if I could get my hands on SN the multitude of steps involved certainly scares me. I think you are definitely brave for putting up with the hell you have experienced and for buying SN in the first place, I don't think you need to change yourself. In an ideal world, we would be able to walk into a euthanasia clinic and be killed humanely, preferably while being comforted, but sadly I'm aware that this could not be further from reality. I don't have any advice to give you, so I hope you can find a way out of your situation.

 

[SVEN]

When the time is right, the courage will come. As long as you feel you may regret it, it's probably not the correct time for you.
You will feel in yourself when you are ready. Until then, come here, vent as much as you wish, we are all as damaged as you may feel yourself to be, are just as weary and dispirited and understand how you feel.

 

[FuneralCry]

The reality is that there is no straightforward answer to this question, I just think that it's a feeling that one has which makes them determined to leave this world, but it's true that suicide really is so difficult. Only the individual knows when the time is right.

 

[AshClouds]

I feel like the only people who can give us real advice on how to work up the courage to go through with it are the people that successfully committed the act.
its a shame the dead aren't able to give us pointers on the account of being dead.

 

[halfbloodprince]

I agree that ctb is horrendously difficult, even if I could get my hands on SN the multitude of steps involved certainly scares me. I think you are definitely brave for putting up with the hell you have experienced and for buying SN in the first place, I don't think you need to change yourself. In an ideal world, we would be able to walk into a euthanasia clinic and be killed humanely, preferably while being comforted, but sadly I'm aware that this could not be further from reality. I don't have any advice to give you, so I hope you can find a way out of your situation.

I completely agree with you, in an ideal world there should be euthanasia in order to die with dignity and in peace, renouncing all the suffering that the useless attempt to resolve things causes.

 

[WorthlessCoward]

Man, if I knew

 

[my-end]

I don't know you or your situation but if one can't continue on a path, they must find or create a new one. Teetering indefinitely is an guaranteed method for torturing oneself. Imo, it's muster the will to do one or the other (live or die) unless suffering is the goal. Best wishes

 

[charlotte_]

there's really no good answer for this question. I think when the time truly comes for you, you'll know

 

[Mr. ‘K so?]

"Bravery isn't the absence of fear. Bravery is pushing through the fear to do what needs to be done in terms of duty, personal goals, etc." -I don't remember who, 2008

I might've slightly paraphrased

 

[unnormal9]

There wouldn't be a candid answer. I personally would write to reduce anxiety prior, be relaxed and remain calm while taking my time.

 

[Lo Priest]

indeed to me it seems there are rungs of resolution. as you have seen, this forum houses many of the ilk imbibing the 'down the slide we go' mentality. and there are of course the hesitant who seem to waver, for perhaps good reason, or at least a reason for now unshakable. these unsure speak offhandedly of a chance still; of a somewhat hope. and wouldnt we all like a life to live had it been reachable. in my eyes, anyone who procures a way out yet still pockets an 'I' who discards themselves of these deathly instruments i believe have much more to consider. talk to yourself, save from distraction (online/media(mediated) connectivity). consult the 'i' that wishes to cling to this suffering, the 'i' that clings to a chance at a rebirth: at a moving forward, and alas the 'i' that wishes demise. jot these consults down perhaps. evaluate. I believe anyone who takes their life should go on an aim, not a whim.

 

[halfbloodprince]

indeed to me it seems there are rungs of resolution. as you have seen, this forum houses many of the ilk imbibing the 'down the slide we go' mentality. and there are of course the hesitant who seem to waver, for perhaps good reason, or at least a reason for now unshakable. these unsure speak offhandedly of a chance still; of a somewhat hope. and wouldnt we all like a life to live had it been reachable. in my eyes, anyone who procures a way out yet still pockets an 'I' who discards themselves of these deathly instruments i believe have much more to consider. talk to yourself, save from distraction (online/media(mediated) connectivity). consult the 'i' that wishes to cling to this suffering, the 'i' that clings to a chance at a rebirth: at a moving forward, and alas the 'i' that wishes demise. jot these consults down perhaps. evaluate. I believe anyone who takes their life should go on an aim, not a whim.

you are right, I have looked for hope in many things in these 7 years of illness but I have not found it in anything. on the contrary, I was especially disappointed by the fact that I can't do the job I've dreamed of doing since I was a child: an airplane pilot. as you can well understand they would not let me do it for obvious reasons, there have already been precedents of murder-suicide of airplane pilots and the selection measures have become stronger. now i live without a purpose in life. I don't know. Do you think it's just a whim? in a hospitalization I had a few years ago they offered me to do the tec, I'm afraid to do it, it's a complex procedure, with risks and side effects. even if it's not called electroshock anymore it's still a fucking electric shock going through your brain. I don't know how good it is. and I have tried all the alternatives. maybe I can wait a few weeks to see if the esketamine has any effect, but no more, it would be agony.

"Bravery isn't the absence of fear. Bravery is pushing through the fear to do what needs to be done in terms of duty, personal goals, etc." -I don't remember who, 2008

I might've slightly paraphrased

I think this is the best answer you could give me.

 

[huntergirl14]

I want to

 

[halfbloodprince]

you are right, I have looked for hope in many things in these 7 years of illness but I have not found it in anything. on the contrary, I was especially disappointed by the fact that I can't do the job I've dreamed of doing since I was a child: an airplane pilot. as you can well understand they would not let me do it for obvious reasons, there have already been precedents of murder-suicide of airplane pilots and the selection measures have become stronger. now i live without a purpose in life. I don't know. Do you think it's just a whim? in a hospitalization I had a few years ago they offered me to do the tec, I'm afraid to do it, it's a complex procedure, with risks and side effects. even if it's not called electroshock anymore it's still a fucking electric shock going through your brain. I don't know how good it is. and I have tried all the alternatives. maybe I can wait a few weeks to see if the esketamine has any effect, but no more, it would be agony.

I think this is the best answer you could give me.

I want to

Wish we could help each other

 

[Lo Priest]

you are right, I have looked for hope in many things in these 7 years of illness but I have not found it in anything. on the contrary, I was especially disappointed by the fact that I can't do the job I've dreamed of doing since I was a child: an airplane pilot. as you can well understand they would not let me do it for obvious reasons, there have already been precedents of murder-suicide of airplane pilots and the selection measures have become stronger. now i live without a purpose in life. I don't know. Do you think it's just a whim? in a hospitalization I had a few years ago they offered me to do the tec, I'm afraid to do it, it's a complex procedure, with risks and side effects. even if it's not called electroshock anymore it's still a fucking electric shock going through your brain. I don't know how good it is. and I have tried all the alternatives. maybe I can wait a few weeks to see if the esketamine has any effect, but no more, it would be agony.

I think this is the best answer you could give me.

being also a person who'd describe themselves as one who has spent years "looking for hope in many things" i've realized that i wasn't really searching at all, just waiting for something to circumstantially come my way. like a discarded scrap of highway litter waiting to be picked up and placed by some hypothetical good samaritan. i need to actively search, to actively give a damn. a hoot and a hollar ffs. i need to go full shaman mode and forsake a certain lot which comprises my life, taking and not giving. heap 'a shit i tell you. i need personally to attempt a scrape of the barrel, there's sure to be at least something waiting— that's hope for you. and all these people, these retail clerks, phone scammers, spammers, city planners, bureaucrats, addicts, homeless, they all had a dream. all of them. up in smoke. and i'd like to believe they all still have a dream yet to find, a dream which hasnt even crossed their minds yet. we're all in routines and don't bother to 'find' things while we're in them. i don't know… i'm resolute in my dying by my hands but i sure as shit want to exhaust whatever that's in me. i don't want to die like these teens here having spent my sole life being abused and watching anime. fuck that.

and in my eyes all treatments and procedures are worth a shot as long as they don't strip out of you what you hold dearest. research everything. try not to look at things from top or bottom, left or right, they say it's the most difficult to look things squarely in the middle. maybe it's all carrots on a stick.

 

[leloyon]

I've considered taking benzos beforehand to stop anxiety.

 

[halfbloodprince]

being also a person who'd describe themselves as one who has spent years "looking for hope in many things" i've realized that i wasn't really searching at all, just waiting for something to circumstantially come my way. like a discarded scrap of highway litter waiting to be picked up and placed by some hypothetical good samaritan. i need to actively search, to actively give a damn. a hoot and a hollar ffs. i need to go full shaman mode and forsake a certain lot which comprises my life, taking and not giving. heap 'a shit i tell you. i need personally to attempt a scrape of the barrel, there's sure to be at least something waiting— that's hope for you. and all these people, these retail clerks, phone scammers, spammers, city planners, bureaucrats, addicts, homeless, they all had a dream. all of them. up in smoke. and i'd like to believe they all still have a dream yet to find, a dream which hasnt even crossed their minds yet. we're all in routines and don't bother to 'find' things while we're in them. i don't know… i'm resolute in my dying by my hands but i sure as shit want to exhaust whatever that's in me. i don't want to die like these teens here having spent my sole life being abused and watching anime. fuck that.

and in my eyes all treatments and procedures are worth a shot as long as they don't strip out of you what you hold dearest. research everything. try not to look at things from top or bottom, left or right, they say it's the most difficult to look things squarely in the middle. maybe it's all carrots on a stick.

I do not know what to say. I thank you for your opinion and I find it somewhat comforting, you try to give hope, and this is admirable. It's hard to believe in hope when the only people who tell you there is hope only do so because they're paid to tell you: psychologist and psychiatrist. maybe I need a real friend to tell me.

 

[Linda]

I can't find the courage to kill myself. I bought 3 kg of sodium nitrite but I threw it away because I didn't have the courage. just the idea of preparing the whole kit to die worries me: nitrite, antiemetic, sedatives, painkiller... I would like to know how to make the decision without regretting it. I've been suffering from depression since 2017 and I really want to end it. I have tried many drugs, four hospitalizations in psychiatry, tms, now I am undergoing a treatment with Esketamine which, however, is not finished and does not seem to work.

My feeling is that if you threw the SN away, you're perhaps not ready to go. If I was in your situation, I would think very carefully throught the options. Do I go or do I stay? What are the pros and cons of each option? Then you can make a decision. If you are 100% certain that you want to go, I doubt that you would care much about the minor inconvenience of preparing everything.

 

[outrider567]

When you're finally desperate defeated and depressed enough, the will to do it will be there

 

[Mr. ‘K so?]

Do you have any tattoos? I swear it has relevance @halfbloodprince

 

[soontobedone]

I keep hoping I'll read or hear something that gives me the 100% resolve. It's just not here yet.

 

[chr74]

i had another go at partial hanging today, failed because not brave enough, such a nightmare.

 

[halfbloodprince]

Do you have any tattoos? I swear it has relevance @halfbloodprince

I do not have any tattoos. Why did you ask me?

i had another go at partial hanging today, failed because not brave enough, such a nightmare.

I'm really sorry, even if we don't know each other the mere fact of sharing the same suffering makes us connected. I tried yesterday evening to tighten a cable of a phone charger around my neck, I held it tight until I was about to pass out, it's not the first time I've done it.

 

[Mr. ‘K so?]

I do not have any tattoos. Why did you ask me?

I have a large one that basically covers my arm from wrist to shoulder. And the thing about tattoos is they hurt, like a lot. I've put cigarettes out on me, had my toes rolled over by a minivan, torn muscles, but getting a tattoo is a whole different world of pain. I almost cried a couple spots because it hurt in just the right way. And the sound of that thin outline needle.

But you paid for it.
So if you have a really cool idea and costs in the 3-4 digit zone, you have to push through how much it sucks to sit through how long you're in the chair for. Bravery is knowing the tattoo is gonna hurt, that you're gonna fall off the skateboard. Accept that it hurts, and push to the finish line because tattoos and skateboards are cool.

 

[halfbloodprince]

I have a large one that basically covers my arm from wrist to shoulder. And the thing about tattoos is they hurt, like a lot. I've put cigarettes out on me, had my toes rolled over by a minivan, torn muscles, but getting a tattoo is a whole different world of pain. I almost cried a couple spots because it hurt in just the right way. And the sound of that thin outline needle.

But you paid for it.
So if you have a really cool idea and costs in the 3-4 digit zone, you have to push through how much it sucks to sit through how long you're in the chair for. Bravery is knowing the tattoo is gonna hurt, that you're gonna fall off the skateboard. Accept that it hurts, and push to the finish line because tattoos and skateboards are cool.

you're right, tattoos and skateboards are cool. I also like planes, I could imagine I'm flying on an endless flight that has no destination, I should just enjoy the journey.