hyacinths
Member
- Sep 25, 2021
- 74
there is a deep pit inside me that cannot be filled with the comfort of my friends, the usage of drugs, or the attention from strangers. i am so lonely, every part of my body screams for attention or care yet my mouth does not speak a word of it. i do not know how to accept it, to live with it, this loneliness. it is swallowing me from the inside and growing larger with every moment. i do my best to ignore it and keep a smile on my face, but i see others click with each other or love one another so easily and... it is then i can see how broken i am, how unable i am to find these relationships despite how desperate i am to find and fall into them. it's pathetic, really. i feel pathetic.
a hopeless romantic born to live life alone. a touch starved individual that everyone avoids like the plague. it is like the world knows how much i desperately seek to be seen and loved and simply laughs in my face as it shows me others who have what i will never be allowed to want. what i must stop desperately wishing for. this hole will never be filled, not with sex or drugs, not with the resources i have, not for me. made to be wanted but not to be loved. made to be enjoyed and used but not to be kept and cared for. ive accepted this, on an emotional level, but there's a physical part of me that demands that i continue trying despite how hopeless i know that this pursuit is. isn't it more damaging to continue on recklessly despite knowing the outcome? could you consider it a type of self-harm for the unloved to seek love?
i have to accept it. i have to accept that there is no adoration for the type of person i am. i have to accept that the one thing that my heart desperately yearns for can never come true. i do. and yet i fight against it, like a deer stuck in a wolf's jaws. how do you accept it? how do i become numb and let go of this idealistic dream? i need to know, needed to know yesterday.
im only killing myself more in this pursuit of a facade.
a hopeless romantic born to live life alone. a touch starved individual that everyone avoids like the plague. it is like the world knows how much i desperately seek to be seen and loved and simply laughs in my face as it shows me others who have what i will never be allowed to want. what i must stop desperately wishing for. this hole will never be filled, not with sex or drugs, not with the resources i have, not for me. made to be wanted but not to be loved. made to be enjoyed and used but not to be kept and cared for. ive accepted this, on an emotional level, but there's a physical part of me that demands that i continue trying despite how hopeless i know that this pursuit is. isn't it more damaging to continue on recklessly despite knowing the outcome? could you consider it a type of self-harm for the unloved to seek love?
i have to accept it. i have to accept that there is no adoration for the type of person i am. i have to accept that the one thing that my heart desperately yearns for can never come true. i do. and yet i fight against it, like a deer stuck in a wolf's jaws. how do you accept it? how do i become numb and let go of this idealistic dream? i need to know, needed to know yesterday.
im only killing myself more in this pursuit of a facade.
