How to accept I will never have another girlfriend no matter what when it's the only thing I want in life

[unloveable27]

The difference between life with and without a romantic relationship is like night and day. Mine was long distance too and we only got to meet in person for a very short time. It's been three years since I've talked to her and I don't feel the least bit better. I regret everything and wish I could start over but I can't.
I also only got the relationship as a fluke and am too ugly, short and autistic to ever have another relationship. Swipe apps are all appearance based and every meet up or group i go to is way older people and mostly men.
I don't care about my passions and hobbies anymore, all I want is a girlfriend but I'll never have one again. But killing myself would destroy my parents. I wish they just understood how CTB is the right choice for me. I would be less embarrassed to have a dead son than a 28 year old virgin who has no ambition and hates life. I have almost no interest in platonic relationships anymore either
I'm posting in recovery because I'm looking to be -genuinely- convinced I'm wrong, and shouldn't do it. I don't want to leave without trying everything. Despite this i already have everything planned out and a deadline set. Please let me know if I am breaking the rules.
The fact that's hardest to argue with is that I won't be around to process my family's reactions or anything at all after death and so I wouldn't have to worry about it after.
That's also what makes wanting to stay alive challenging because dreamless eternal sleep sounds better than life as 28, 29, 30 year old virgin with no one to hold at night after a bad day.
I feel so much anhedonia even when doing hobbies I used to love. I used to draw and have lost my ability. I can't lift as much as I used to because I don't have enough energy. I can't bring myself to play guitar because my music will never be finished because I'm too scared to record vocals.

Anyone who has experienced The suicide death of another who did have hope they just didn't see, please share if you are comfortable.

If this isn't appropriate for recovery please move it to another section if possible. I really want to hear what people have to say. I'm totally ready to die internally but squeamish about the emotional pain I will inflict; and the panic of searching for my body, and the disappointment and despair when I'm found gone. I can't leave a note because it would make it easier to find me in time but everyone knows why I want to ctb anyways. They just think my romantic luck will change because they're from another era before dating apps when I know it won't and haven't found a way to cope with that and probably never will.

Anyone who's ever had to identify a loved one's body would be welcome too. I also want to hear from people who lost others but understand why they ctb and respect their choice

 

[violetforever]

i feel like it's a problem when you don't appreciate platonic relationships. do you want a girlfriend or mainly just sex? you insult yourself with the word virgin a few times.

 

[unloveable27]

i feel like it's a problem when you don't appreciate platonic relationships. do you want a girlfriend or mainly just sex? you insult yourself with the word virgin a few times.

Ideally I'd like to have a normal healthy sex life with a woman I'm in a relationship, my enjoyment of being in a relationship was that it felt like someone truly cared and was worth working and waiting to meet. I was able to talk about anything with her in a more sensitive way than I would with others.
I can't have that ever again. No one will ever care as much as my ex did. She put up with so much. And I gave her so little in return. The guilt and regret alone make me want to CTB.
I would know how to be in a healthy relationship now if I had a genuine opportunity but there's better options that will be chosen over me since I'm unattractive
Being a virgin in your 20s is pathetic. I'm pathetic. Obviously it's different if you're Mormon or asexual or whatever but it is a sign of social and physical weakness in normal people's eyes.

 

[Heraskov]

Though I've certainly had less experience in this life than you (I'm eighteen), I've felt a similar way as you do in this constant despair I suffer from over a woman who I loved who I never did ask out when I had the time to, with my reluctance to ask her out arising just out of utter cowardice (looking back on it, I know I absolutely would have had a chance with her; she was just like me in some ways yet with enough contrast to where we could have acted like each others' "gas and brakes," and we were already having very enjoyable discussions in the environment we near-daily encountered each other in until she moved away).

I consider that loss to currently be one of the greatest failures I've faced in my short life, having never revealed my love to her, and it is one of the events of my existence that has pushed me most towards a desire for an isolated future away from the rest of the world (in the monastic sense; I'd like to join a monastery in due time), for I haven't found a woman who remotely resembles any part of that beloved girl's character (nor would I be desired by the other women around me in my current circumstances because of some of the reasons like the ones that you describe yourself as suffering from, like a lack of attractiveness or social ability).

I now consider that entire blunder of hesitance to have been a gift given to me from God so that He could very blatantly show me why I'm not suited to live in the world in pursuit of such things as romance. I feel immense sadness in knowing this, but I personally find this sadness and persistent emotional distress to be necessary for me because my main philosophy regarding joy in life is that there is salvific value in suffering, and that value brings me closer to understanding God, which then gives me some assurances of peace in eternity which themselves act as temporary periods of mortal peace during my prayers with Him, and that's enough to keep me going.

Now, enough about me, for in those long-winded three paragraphs did I want to give attention and sympathy to the fact that your feelings must clearly be very excruciating, for my experience has been terrible while yours, as far as I can imagine, multiplies such suffering tenfold. Because of my inexperienced life, all that I can really tell you are kind words rather than words of real wisdom. In your other reply, you specifically emphasized that "being a virgin in your 20s is pathetic," and that you're therefore pathetic. No matter the differences you and I likely have in our religious or philosophical opinions, I think we both share the belief that the manmade world is evil, and that its evil is proven by such symptoms as its unfairness to many in these struggles like romance. The belief I don't think we share, however, is if there is value beyond the manmade world (beyond modern society, which is what deems your situation as pathetic), for that is much more subjective.

I think that there is more value in this mortal existence than civilization itself. My hope is that, if you would like to recover, that you will eventually find peace in this existence by discovering a way (a lifestyle, a belief, any such "way") to rid yourself of that anhedonia without CTBing, so I will pray for you tonight that you're able to do that. Otherwise, you'll nonetheless have my prayer if you decide to go through with that option.