Iris Blue
-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ-
- Oct 23, 2023
- 226
I'm going to try to make this as short as possible but it's been on my mind and I'm looking for advice
So my best friend of about 10 years has an appointment Monday to check a lump to see if she has breast cancer (she had it checked before but is getting it looked at again with part of the concern being cancer runs in her family). I'm going to go with her for support of course but this is the part that's going to sound bad:
If her checkup shows she does have cancer, I am scared how I may react. She's going to freak out and cry which is understandable but I don't know if I would be able to comfort her at all. I've been planning for months to ctb and I really want to in a few months but if she ends up having cancer I feel like I can't go on with my plan. And that is what will be on my mind at the time she needs consoling which I'm terrified I won't be able to give. I'm desperate to ctb but doing that while my friend is in her own need of help just doesn't make sense. But I'm afraid I'll get mad and distance myself for my own selfish needs and it's not like I can talk and vent to anyone about how I am feeling about it because one, it doesn't matter anyways while your best friend has cancer and two, I can't just be like "oh yea I was planning to off myself that's why I'm feeling this way" to anyone like my therapist because obviously that will cause red flags and who knows what else will happen. And it won't look good at all if I'm in a psych ward while she needs me most too. In conclusion no matter what I will be the worst person ever and I don't know what to do. I'll maybe update on Monday after her appointment I'm freaking out.
So my best friend of about 10 years has an appointment Monday to check a lump to see if she has breast cancer (she had it checked before but is getting it looked at again with part of the concern being cancer runs in her family). I'm going to go with her for support of course but this is the part that's going to sound bad:
If her checkup shows she does have cancer, I am scared how I may react. She's going to freak out and cry which is understandable but I don't know if I would be able to comfort her at all. I've been planning for months to ctb and I really want to in a few months but if she ends up having cancer I feel like I can't go on with my plan. And that is what will be on my mind at the time she needs consoling which I'm terrified I won't be able to give. I'm desperate to ctb but doing that while my friend is in her own need of help just doesn't make sense. But I'm afraid I'll get mad and distance myself for my own selfish needs and it's not like I can talk and vent to anyone about how I am feeling about it because one, it doesn't matter anyways while your best friend has cancer and two, I can't just be like "oh yea I was planning to off myself that's why I'm feeling this way" to anyone like my therapist because obviously that will cause red flags and who knows what else will happen. And it won't look good at all if I'm in a psych ward while she needs me most too. In conclusion no matter what I will be the worst person ever and I don't know what to do. I'll maybe update on Monday after her appointment I'm freaking out.
