How long you’ve been wanting to Ctb?

[Worthless_nobody]

Since around age 14 I'm now late 20s. It's gotten worse in past few years for sure.

 

[Ulisses]

As a woman who grew up without my father I didn't know that we live under feminism or exactly what this meant. I assumed men just don't really want to stick around once the woman has kids lol! I assumed this growing up seeing all the single mothers in section 8 housing. I didn't know it had more to do with women maybe not choosing men well, or possibly driving a good guy away, there's no longer oversight/social ostracism to make sure we aren't getting pregnant outside of marriage. Or that most of the time women initiate divorce. I had no idea about all this. I just figured men mainly want to use us for sex and children, but they don't necessarily want to actually hang out once the kids are there. I was also sexually abused at age 10 so that's one reason I didn't know that I had a messed up worldview from it. A neighbors father came on to me as a young teenager too so I just assumed men were mainly interested in sex without responsibility. Lol! I know right?

I stopped following these matters. I've been very discouraged, just thinking about leaving on complex matters and wanting only to disappear from these crazy society rs

 

[metapod]

since i was 7, first attempt was at 15

 

[Final Escape]

I stopped following these matters. I've been very discouraged, just thinking about leaving on complex matters and wanting only to disappear from these crazy society rs

Right it's so abhorrent that we live in a society like this. It's why I chose not to have kids. I was disgusted and confused. I was sure I didn't want my kids to go through the same terrible things possibly.

Offtopic: I thought men just ran out on their kids too, but then I found out my mom physically took me from my dads house without him knowing, moved 300 miles away to a family members house. My dad wanted to see me but mom threatened court and he settled out of court (the lawyer said theres no chance of anything better since the judge was a woman! How sexist!), for paying child-support and 28 days per year of visiting time. And here I am lmao

I guess this happens a lot. Parents trying to keep the kid or kids from the other parent. Yea my mother left Hungary and took two of her kids. We were the two oldest from her first batch lol! She had two more sons with a crazy ass violent alcoholic but she left them there with other relatives. It's a long story.

 

[UnsureWhatToDo]

Have been fantasizing since middle school. But have semi-recently changed to planning rather than fantasizing.

 

[time2register]

I think almost 20 years. But it hasn't been every minute. I may have been since I realized I would die eventually, my parents would die, everyone would die. It's gotten worse on and off over the last decade. Getting sober helped but also made it worse. Becoming infatuated with someone who I can never be with has made the last 5 years unbearable. Sometimes I believe it's a karmically disastrous, sometimes I don't care enough to think about whether or not I believe in karma. It's felt like my whole life that I've considered suicide very realistic, almost necessary.

 

[lizinha]

Since I was 11 and it's weird because I didn't even know the concept of suicide or what meant. i remembered always fantaszing with different types of methods to kill myself, this turned onto maladaptive daydreaming afterwards because it made me feel great afterwards.I can see why I went wrong after that

 

[JohnUK]

Been wanting to ctb since 21. Now 33