Jai
Specialist
- Sep 23, 2018
- 384
Kev
Student
- Aug 18, 2018
- 124
Three years.
It only took a few months of depression before I started thinking about suicide constantly. For the first year/year-and-a-half, I thought things might get better, so I worked on myself and improving my situation for a while. I have tried and tried and I am still in the same position that made me fall into depression years ago, and I'm so tired of it. So tired of the years of constant disappointments and rejections, each one chipping away at my hope and will to live.
9 months ago I pussied out of a deadline to CTB I had set, but I so desperately needed relief that I started confiding to the people in my life. At first it helped, not having to keep it all inside. But while my feelings got better, my problems and situation did not, and thus after the initial relief the intense depression and suicidal thoughts came back promptly. Eventually I think my friends started getting more and more exhausted from having to try and support me that they started to resent me. It was a slow, gradual process, so I didn't notice it was happening, but now I look at the relationships I have with my friends now compared to before I confided in them, and I can see how distant almost everyone has become. I don't blame them, I am a burden, and no one wants to be around a downer. I'm trying to go back to hiding my feelings and acting like I'm getting better and pretending to be happy and positive, but the damage has been done. I think everyone started to see how pathetic I actually was when I wasn't hiding who I am. I feel lonelier and more isolated now than I ever have before, and I'm so so close to the edge now. Before I always had the thought of "I don't think I'll actually go through with it" in the back of my head, and now that is gone. I feel completely ready to die, and my time will come soon.
It only took a few months of depression before I started thinking about suicide constantly. For the first year/year-and-a-half, I thought things might get better, so I worked on myself and improving my situation for a while. I have tried and tried and I am still in the same position that made me fall into depression years ago, and I'm so tired of it. So tired of the years of constant disappointments and rejections, each one chipping away at my hope and will to live.
9 months ago I pussied out of a deadline to CTB I had set, but I so desperately needed relief that I started confiding to the people in my life. At first it helped, not having to keep it all inside. But while my feelings got better, my problems and situation did not, and thus after the initial relief the intense depression and suicidal thoughts came back promptly. Eventually I think my friends started getting more and more exhausted from having to try and support me that they started to resent me. It was a slow, gradual process, so I didn't notice it was happening, but now I look at the relationships I have with my friends now compared to before I confided in them, and I can see how distant almost everyone has become. I don't blame them, I am a burden, and no one wants to be around a downer. I'm trying to go back to hiding my feelings and acting like I'm getting better and pretending to be happy and positive, but the damage has been done. I think everyone started to see how pathetic I actually was when I wasn't hiding who I am. I feel lonelier and more isolated now than I ever have before, and I'm so so close to the edge now. Before I always had the thought of "I don't think I'll actually go through with it" in the back of my head, and now that is gone. I feel completely ready to die, and my time will come soon.
BaconCheeseburger
Comfort-eating
- Aug 4, 2018
- 693
On and off since I was about 14. The current length of time I've felt like this for must be... About six months?
