Venting Covert narcissism

[anxiousdweller]

I suspect im a covert narcissist in collapse and 8 months ago i lost my long term relationship of 4 years with the sweetest girl alive. It dawned in on me that i treated her really bad while i was also struggling with my depression ocd and social anxiety at the time i was very self centred. I thought love is just being together but she Ofcoursee wanted more like dates and stuff which im not really a person like that but she had every right to want all that stuff even when she asked it, it was like i forgot about it the next minute. but i emotionally abused her so bad and never thought what i did was bad but a couple months ago i realised and the guilt and shame is so bad i cant believe i treated someone so bad its in my head 24/7 i wake up with it and go to sleep with it i even dream about it constantly she didnt deserve any of this and i know its also one of the driven force i want to end myself i still see her cry when i close my eyes and i just thought she was "too sensitive " i am just straight up evil while i thought i was a good guy and that we had a solid relationship. I know its not right to send her an apology now but its like im living in complete torture 24/7 which i most definitely deserve. The mask finally broke after all these years and i cant believe what person i really am and cant believe someone has to life with this trauma that i caused i know she got a new boyfriend now and hope she forgets about me quick and never has to see me again and can heal from this asap. I deserve whats coming to me and maybe im not a asshole for once and can actually finish the job this time