I haven't properly attempted to leave this dreadful, torturous existence I always saw as a mistake as after all I'm so cruelly denied the option to cease existing painlessly to escape from the abomination of existence, I find it so terrifying how trying to cease existing can go wrong and lead to way worse suffering and torture, all I wish and hope for is to never suffer again and I always suffer from how I cannot just have a death like never waking ever again.