I have a cluster B personality disorder that makes me self destruct left and right. I've always been like this and I try to change but it's the hardest thing. This is a major reason why I want to CTB. But then I wonder if I'm trying hard enough. I think I could try harder which is a big thing holding me back. But a lot of me doesn't want to try, because it's a lot of effort and life is just depressing. If reincarnation exists I hope I go to a healing center for the soul, and that it's easier next time around. How do you know when to throw in the towel? How do you know you are in fact incurable?
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For me personally, after 8 years of trying nearly everything, reading every helpful resource and implementing their advice, and still feeling no progress, thats when i know I am hopeless.
I wish you the best whatever you choose to do whether its healing and recovering or ctb
I wish you the best whatever you choose to do whether its healing and recovering or ctb
a part of me gets off on absurd new heights of self destruction.
I don't know why it is.
I don't know why it is.
MatrixPrisoner
Enlightened
- Jul 8, 2023
- 1,166
As soon as you realize that trying is futile.
theboy
Visionary
- Jul 15, 2022
- 2,968
locked*n*loaded
Archangel
- Apr 15, 2022
- 5,869
I don't have any mental issues, per say, except depression, I guess, which is a mental issue I know, but as far as when I realized that I was just finished with life, it really just happened all on its own. I mean when nothing good at all happens for you for decades, you sort of just reach the point where you say to yourself, "why bother", anymore. It happened all on its own. Organically. Everyone has a breaking point. Everyone's is different. Getting no "highs" for decades eats your will away, little by little, bit by bit, until you just get so tired of it all, and you kinda realize you just have no "try" left in you. That's how it happened for me.
kms4
Member
- May 17, 2024
- 10
I should've stopped trying a long time ago. But stopping doesn't automatically end my life - that takes a lot more effort, I think. Even if I miraculously cured my depression, this world is pretty awful. The planet is beautiful; the humans in it are not.
divinemistress36
Enlightened
- Jan 1, 2024
- 1,988
I hate when people say life is full of ups and downs. Some of us dont get ups and only downs
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locked*n*loaded
Archangel
- Apr 15, 2022
- 5,869
Did I say I had any "ups"? At least none in the past 25, 30 years. That's the reason I ran out of "trying" in my life. I can't even remember the last "up" I had it's been so long.
divinemistress36
Enlightened
- Jan 1, 2024
- 1,988
No, sorry i was complaining about how other people say there are ups. I havent felt any ups either
Alexei_Kirillov
Missed my appointment with Death
- Mar 9, 2024
- 573
Your battery just depletes and depletes without ever getting recharged. At a certain point you get to such a low percentage that the things that are supposed to recharge you--joy and love--aren't enough anymore, if you can even get them in the first place.
locked*n*loaded
Archangel
- Apr 15, 2022
- 5,869
Truly sorry. I misunderstood what you were saying.
ijustwishtodie
death will be my ultimate bliss
- Oct 29, 2023
- 3,128
I'm surprised at how these things never really recharged me to begin with. I suspect it's due to my autism but I'm not sure. The idea of joy and love recharging normies seems so alien to me but it is true as they talk a lot about love and spending time with family members and so forth. I still can't comprehend it though
doingitrighthistime
Member
- May 15, 2024
- 12
If you think you may not be trying hard enough, then you might be correct. At least you're self-aware, though. It's hard to stay "on track" and keep yourself on the right path with a personality disorder.
Have you put in a true effort? To do better, be better, live a good life?
That's a very good question I ask myself a lot, too. I obviously have no answer. The tough thing with my disorder is the emotional instability. I can feel joy, I can feel love (I guess). But only small things can bring me down so rapidly and much that I just want to end it daily. I m on a endless roller coaster and also have different alters who want different things.
What I often think, many would have killed themselves 10 times already if they suffered the way I did in the past 30 years. I m probably even too dumb to realise this, respectively I realised it very very late.
What I often think, many would have killed themselves 10 times already if they suffered the way I did in the past 30 years. I m probably even too dumb to realise this, respectively I realised it very very late.
draingang
białasy podbijają na funkcję jak
- Feb 21, 2023
- 51
its been getting worse for years now i dont think its gonna get better. for the past year i've actually tried getting better but i ended up being worse
