Before, my sh scars didn't bother me. Most of the ones from cutting weren't noticeable and ones from scratching and digging my nails into my skin were flat and on the back if my arm, making them easy to ignore.
However, I've been acting like an idiot lately (moreso than usual), so now I have a bunch of raised scars around my left forearm and a few along my right forearm. There's also more on the way since I've been cutting a lot lately.
On one hand, I like my scars. They make my sh feel valid. I also feel a weird sense of pride when looking at them, especially my newer ones. I sometimes self harm as a means of punishment, so they having them there makes me feel as I've done a job at that. They also me feel as though my feelings are valid to some extent.
On the other hand, I hate them. Once it starts getting warmer I'm not going to be able to hide them as easily and I'm paranoid that if my mom sees them then she's going to try and get me hospitalized. I know she wasn't happy about the hospital wanting to keep me for 72 hours after my last suicide attempt. I know that she was reluctant to send me to that inpatient program. I know that she was very quick to shutdown the psychiatrist when she suggested that I stay there for another week. However, I also know that she threatened to send my back to that program during my gap year, when she suspected that I was suicidal. As a result, I don't know if she'll want me to go to a psych ward or not if she finds out. She's also probably going to be mad because my skin won't look "pretty" anymore.
They also make me fear that I'm going to be seen as ugly, too. I already feel ugly and they just make me uglier and less desirable.
