How do you do anything if you don’t want to be alive?

[lilb0wpeep]

I've never really wanted to be alive, and have been praying for a way out since idk my first conscious thought(NOT an exaggeration). And as more and more time goes on I can't get myself to physically do or want to do anything. I can only want to 'not do' things and even then that doesn't work to get me to do things. I mean this both on a long term life scale but also in a smaller scale of any second of every day I am just stuck. I could do x,y, & z but I don't want to, and I should do 1,2, & 3 but I can't get myself to do it because I wish I was dead. And I've tried/am trying to get myself to do anything when I don't want to, or to 'do it tired, sad, scared, etc.' but nope! Instead I lay here fretting over it and searching for answers. When "I give myself permission to do nothing" it still doesn't matter, I'm gonna lay here and essentially try and meditate but that'll just turn into me worrying/spiralling until I eventually go on my phone, try something and give up, or move locations(bed-> couch-> other bed-> back to my bed) and repeat this all day long. It's like idk what to do ever at any given moment, and I'm always thinking "now what"/"and then what" and "I just wanna give up and not live anymore".
It's like there's no reason to do anything because the want to CTB is so overpowering of everything else that it doesn't matter. I feel like I'm gonna simultaneously implode and explode every second of the day. If I had a way to CTB that would actually work and it didn't harm/first hand account traumatize anybody(-on there way to/from work, if u get what I'm saying) I would absolutely do it in a heartbeat.

 

[timf]

Sometimes people can have thoughts that acquire power over time. The more a person invests in them a sense that they are a solution, the more powerful they become. It is almost like making a prison for yourself. Some people experience a catharsis and break free all at once. Others have to nibble away at such thoughts until they start to lose some of their power.

You might want to experiment with low energy activities and see if anything connects with you. You mentioned meditation. Some people go for walks and find that they can draw from a walk in the park on a Spring day that which inspires.

 

[lilb0wpeep]

Sometimes people can have thoughts that acquire power over time. The more a person invests in them a sense that they are a solution, the more powerful they become. It is almost like making a prison for yourself. Some people experience a catharsis and break free all at once. Others have to nibble away at such thoughts until they start to lose some of their power.

You might want to experiment with low energy activities and see if anything connects with you. You mentioned meditation. Some people go for walks and find that they can draw from a walk in the park on a Spring day that which inspires.

I hate to sound 'combative'/helpless and continue on a hopeless spiral but it's almost like the more and more I try/wait for my efforts to become actual change it's just reinforcing those prison walls. Especially as I become less and less capable of doing those efforts, reason being general life circumstances more so declining (obviously mental +) physical health.
It's definitely feeling like life is a prison as you've said. I just don't know how to escape and even if I don't have to or can't, I still don't know what and or how to do in the mean time. Plenty of options sure but what is the thing in the moment(and the next and so on and on… but thats me spiraling) and then I have to get myself to actually do it. It's like I'm a cup of water teetering on the edge of a table and if I do the wrong thing I'm gonna fall. Or even if it's the right thing, if I 'move' I'm still just gonna fall.

 

[timf]

Sometimes it can be intimidating to consider all of life. If you are able to focus on one simple single thing such as going to a park and watching children at play, you might find a moment or two where you can experience enjoyment. This can be the start of changing direction.

Experimentation can be key to finding those things that ignite a spark within you such that they can be strung together and put you on a new trajectory.