Help How do I stop thinking about all the bad?

[suacide]

Every single moment I'm not distracted, even if I just slip out of it for a second my thoughts immediately go to somewhere bad or dark. I think about my mom the most, but usually about how it was like before she passed or the moments leading up to and while I was in her room when I missed her passing away. Only by 10 minutes. I think about it constantly. I feel so much guilt and disgust and hurt. It's like I can never escape what happened. It's been six months since it all happened but it feels so fresh.

It's hard for me to make friends, I barely have any and right now one that I thought I could trust is giving me a hard time so I can't go to her anymore. I normally ignore these feelings by interacting with people, but I just don't have any people to distract myself with anymore.
Unless I'm drunk or with friends already, I can hardly ever approach people. But I can't keep getting drunk, I can't let myself become dependent and I have no friends to begin with.
At this point, what do I do? I already had been diagnosed with CPTSD and I have a feeling what I'm going through is the same thing but on a whole new topic. Her death was so sudden. She didn't tell me anything. I know she wanted to protect me but in the end…
Sorry, this is so scattered. Any advice or words of wisdom would really be nice.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm guessing, if you are struggling with CPTSD also, there may have been unresolved issues there that maybe feel even more unresolved with your Mum's passing?

I also narrowly missed my Grandma dying by a matter of minutes. She had been like a Mum to me, after mine died when I was 3. My Dad was with her at the hospital. I also felt bad because, apparently, she did open her eyes at the end and, must have seen I wasn't there.

My Dad was more relieved that I didn't witness it though and, maybe she would have been too. I think possibly, your Mum would have wanted to spare you that too. I'm sure she realised you did care.

Really though- I'm sure it's nice to have family around but then, I would have been in such a state. I find it hard to hold back tears when it comes to death and saying goodbye. I imagine that must be hard for the person going to witness. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

 

[suacide]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm guessing, if you are struggling with CPTSD also, there may have been unresolved issues there that maybe feel even more unresolved with your Mum's passing?

I also narrowly missed my Grandma dying by a matter of minutes. She had been like a Mum to me, after mine died when I was 3. My Dad was with her at the hospital. I also felt bad because, apparently, she did open her eyes at the end and, must have seen I wasn't there.

My Dad was more relieved that I didn't witness it though and, maybe she would have been too. I think possibly, your Mum would have wanted to spare you that too. I'm sure she realised you did care.

Really though- I'm sure it's nice to have family around but then, I would have been in such a state. I find it hard to hold back tears when it comes to death and saying goodbye. I imagine that must be hard for the person going to witness. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Yeah. Honestly, that's probably it. I haven't been seen for this yet but every symptom is the same from when I was diagnosed, but it's so much fresher. My relationship with my mom was really complicated, she was part of the events that gave me my initial CPTSD too. She died when we were finally getting along. I was able to interact with her without having a short temper, and I was looking forward to doing lots of fun things together and having a normal life. Then less than a year later, she died. In retrospect, it feels like a cruel joke and I can't help but wonder what terrible things I must've done in my past life to have deserved everything that's happened in my current one. Or maybe I've just entirely forgotten about something cruel I must've done to rack up this much bad karma.

And I'm really sorry you had to go through that too, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. For me, it was my uncle who was there to see her off. I guess what's stuck with me was that when she did pass, I thought she'd at least have another day. I was planning on staying that night at the hospital, but I didn't all because of that. I hope you're right and that's how it was for my mom too, and that maybe this was something that ended up going her way in the end. It's just too cruel to believe otherwise.

I really sympathise with that. I'm no better, I was all tears while talking to her in the day before she died. I told her everything on my mind, as much as I could think of so that there were no loose ends, but I still wonder if she even heard any of it while on all that morphine. She acknowledged me in the beginning of the talk, but she looked exhausted so I urged her to close her eyes while listening. So weak she couldn't even talk back. It's no way for someone to live.
I remember briefly thinking if this is how she felt looking at me for the first time, so small, weak and vulnerable. And now here I was grown-up, looking at her from the same lens.
Thank you for your sympathy and for sharing your own experience, I'm still very scrambled and it's really hard to orientate myself and my words but it does mean a lot to me - sorry this is so long, thoughts just kept flowing out and I had the impulse to share every little one of them.

 

[sanctionedusage]

re: How do I stop thinking about all the bad?
probably ketamine

 

[Alpacachino]

I do have a couple of things to say, but it's going to be really tough to hear. But since I've actually done it myself, I think I'm in a place to say this. Don't do drugs or alcohol for escapism. It might seem like you're having a good time or you're being distracted. But the drugs and alcohol only make your life even worse than it currently is. Happened to me too. I had a really tough time with alcohol. I gave it up. It made my life a lot worse when My life was already bad.It truly isn't worth it.

Also all people aren't bad, but most of them are. You've got to rely on yourself 1st and stabilize.People will quarrel, fight and leave over very silly, stupid things. I've had people toss out years worth of relationships over small issues. If you actually depend on someone, you're going to have a hard time when they leave. This is just the truth.

 

[suacide]

re: How do I stop thinking about all the bad?
probably ketamine

Probably, but I haven't gotten to that level of desperation yet, likely because where I live anything of that nature is a hard find and I'm a recluse. We'll see what the future holds though

I do have a couple of things to say, but it's going to be really tough to hear. But since I've actually done it myself, I think I'm in a place to say this. Don't do drugs or alcohol for escapism. It might seem like you're having a good time or you're being distracted. But the drugs and alcohol only make your life even worse than it currently is. Happened to me too. I had a really tough time with alcohol. I gave it up. It made my life a lot worse when My life was already bad.It truly isn't worth it.

Also all people aren't bad, but most of them are. You've got to rely on yourself 1st and stabilize.People will quarrel, fight and leave over very silly, stupid things. I've had people toss out years worth of relationships over small issues. If you actually depend on someone, you're going to have a hard time when they leave. This is just the truth.

I agree on both points.
The good news is I'm not a fullblown alcoholic, yet. Or at least not in a way that affects me day-to-day - again, yet. I can go months and months without it, honestly even up to a year if nothing bad happens, I won't think about it at all, then I have the absolute worst day of my life and suddenly I feel like if I don't drink, I might ctb right there and then with no preparation. So I go on a mini bender, drink an irresponsible amount and at least for a night forget it ever happened or that I felt that way or remembered those things. Then I don't touch the stuff for a while again. The bad news is as you too can probably see, there is a pattern forming and the potential dependency seeing how my life might go.

And yeah, people are shit. Most people are shit. Even the good people were probably shit to someone at some point. But because of my issues, the way my brain has been permanently damaged because of things that happened when I was a kid, the way I haven't been socialised at all because I spent 75% of my teenagers a recluse, I'm forced to rely on people until I learn how to be a person. But I don't even know the first step to that, and it feels like nobody is willing to teach me or knows how. I struggle with things people don't even consider as something to struggle with.
What do you do when you can't be self reliant, at least not for a long while? Is there even a step forward?

 

[Alpacachino]

Probably, but I haven't gotten to that level of desperation yet, likely because where I live anything of that nature is a hard find and I'm a recluse. We'll see what the future holds though

I highly recommend against drugs or alcohol as an escape. Think about it, have you ever heard anyone who used drugs or alcohol having a happy ending while still in the throes of addiction?

It's impossible. So this is what happens. No matter how bad your life is. It will only be worse with alcohol or drugs in my opinion. I did a lot of stupid things when I was drinking. I stopped at a while ago and I won't go back to it. I don't have any craving for it anymore. But to be honest. I should never have started in the first place. Nothing good comes out of it.

I agree on both points.
The good news is I'm not a fullblown alcoholic, yet. Or at least not in a way that affects me day-to-day - again, yet. I can go months and months without it, honestly even up to a year if nothing bad happens, I won't think about it at all, then I have the absolute worst day of my life and suddenly I feel like if I don't drink, I might ctb right there and then with no preparation. So I go on a mini bender, drink an irresponsible amount and at least for a night forget it ever happened or that I felt that way or remembered those things. Then I don't touch the stuff for a while again. The bad news is as you too can probably see, there is a pattern forming and the potential dependency seeing how my life might go.

That's interesting. If you truly are able to control it, I don't see a problem in drinking alcohol once in a while. But the problem is you'll never see it coming. An addiction, I mean. I do know some people can get away with drinking it from time to time just in social settings.Some people even enjoy the taste. I have never enjoyed the taste. I used to force it down and stand in front of my washbasin while I gag. I just wanted the high,lol.Thing is, if it's a coping mechanism, you're going to use it to cope often or every day.

And yeah, people are shit. Most people are shit. Even the good people were probably shit to someone at some point. But because of my issues, the way my brain has been permanently damaged because of things that happened when I was a kid, the way I haven't been socialised at all because I spent 75% of my teenagers a recluse, I'm forced to rely on people until I learn how to be a person. But I don't even know the first step to that, and it feels like nobody is willing to teach me or knows how. I struggle with things people don't even consider as something to struggle with.
What do you do when you can't be self reliant, at least not for a long while? Is there even a step forward?

Nothing wrong with being reclusive or introverted. I'm pretty introverted myself. I do still work a job and meet people at my job. I have some friends. You can always find someone similar. And if you don't, it's not a big deal either. Other people can't really help you to deal with depression or anxiety. It's a very personal battle in my opinion.So in the end, we are left on our own to deal with our problems anyway.

No one can truly be self reliant. I mean, even if you were rich, you'd still depend on accountants, lawyers,People who did chores for you,etc.And even if you were working a normal job, you would have to report to a manager, coworkers, et cetera.

What I'm trying to say is it's OK to be reliant on others for now and take things slow. But eventually progress to a level you would be happier at I suppose?