Help How do I stop myself from getting burnt out?

[Cauliflour]

I feel like every day I do less and less work on my hobbies, wherever that be making games, drawing, making music, watching cartoons, playing video games etc. I feel like time is going faster and faster by the day and that when I look back at all the things I made and did in previous years and compare them to now, I feel like I've done less. I know someone's gonna be like "just relax, there's more to life than work" which is how I'm starting to see all these things. I don't see reading manga as a leisure activity anymore: I see it as fueling my knowledge on the next part of the story and keeping my brain happy enough to make it far enough to make all the things I want to make. That's all that's really stopping me from killing myself currently. I can die being a virgin, never having the manga collection I want, never finishing the games I want to play, but I physically can't stomach the idea of dying without making all my ideas into a reality. I thought this would be easy once I realised this is essentially my life's purpose but I've been slowly feeling more tired and more shitty with each passing day and now I worry I'm gonna end up depressed in a dirty, crowded bedroom, hanging from the ceiling before I can complete everything I want to make. The thought that I have to stick around for about 20 years makes me sad but that's the time it'll take for me to complete all the games and songs and stuff, and I want to die with a legacy. I don't want to make all these extra days be in vain. I want to fulfill my purpose but I keep fucking it up by losing motivation and sleeping for 11 hours and losing the desire to self harm: the thing that keeps me sane in the short term.
Essentially: how do I get my shit together? How do I stop wasting so much of my god damn time doing fuck all that when it comes to writing my diary entries at night, I can't remember what I did in that time period.

When I was younger I didn't draw or code all the time but even then that "wasted time" still feels like it means something. All that time watching gacha videos felt like it meant something yet I don't feel that now when watching video essays or other videos that I have some form of interest in. My drawings were worse then yet I felt like that time I took to make them were more fulfilling than the afternoon it takes now. Everything just feels lesser and the fact my future is fucked before I can even receive it certainly isn't helping. I don't want to "get better" because then I would've wasted my entire teenagehood on building this character that I'm just gonna throw away for a sanitsed version. I don't want to get worse because then I'll develop depression and people will notice and send me to a mental hospital for the rest of my life and I'll get nothing done. I miss being 13/14 even though I was terrified of all these thoughts I was suddenly getting. I had friends. I didn't have to think about my future. I wasn't tip toeing on being burnt out. I didn't have to worry about jobs. I wasn't so critical about what I posted online because I wasn't thinking about gaining a lifelong legacy like I am now because I wasn't paranoid about dying forgotten. I thought I was wasting it then and I want to punch my younger self in the face so god damn badly. I know it's stupidity to yern for a time that was objectivly worse I think because my skills were shit and I was making everything on my crappy laptop and not my nice PC I have now and shows and games I like now weren't released then. Also I hadn't turned into a masochist then so I saw self harm as a problem but I was starting to warm up to it kinda. I made a song around this time about my clean streak and listening back, it really feels like foreshadowing cause the lyrics are basically just what I've gone and normalised in my head and don't think too much of. I was really scared back then but looking back, eh it wasn't bad at all. I guess it feels worse fi you don't have anything to compare to, especially because mental health, especially neurodivergent mental health, isn't talked about very well.

"Wowwww
1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 5 and 6 and 7 and 8 and
1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 5 and 6 and 7 and 8 and
1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and
1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and

1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 5 and 6 and 7 and 8 and
1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 5 and 6 and 7 and 8 and
5 and 6 and 7 and 8 and
5 and 6 and 7 and 8 and
5 and 6 and 7 and 8 and
Dormant, dormant, dormant, dormant, dormant, dormant, dormant, dormant, dormant

1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 5 and 6 and 7 and 8 and
That's the rhythm to engrave this message in my brain, brain
Is it normal to think these things?
I guess it's all the same

narcissism runs off this and violence turns to vain, vain
If i tell myself to worry then the point of view go wild
Does it really matter tho?
But does it really matter tho?
I quit that thing, leave me alone
Torment, torment, torment, torment, torment, torment, torment, torment, torment

Dormant in the mind, mind; thinking all the time,
Is it normal for homicide to be awake at night?
Yet this blunt knife won't go deeper
The punishment is me

When i tell myself i'm fine, this figure goes away, way
Clouded in my mind, what a burnout this paid
But i'm might as well here
I'm might as well here
This is where all the violent things go."

(Don't bother trying to find it. I'm not well known enough online for Google to care.)

Fuck I rambled on too much.
Wow, suicide attempts really fuck with your head huh?

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

I don't have any answers, but wanted to chime in and say that in my case, I burned out at work and found that, like a zombie, I just kept going. Soul burned out and the body still moves. I feel like I'm actually dead, trapped in a body that won't stop twitching it's way though life.

 

[Cauliflour]

I don't have any answers, but wanted to chime in and say that in my case, I burned out at work and found that, like a zombie, I just kept going. Soul burned out and the body still moves. I feel like I'm actually dead, trapped in a body that won't stop twitching it's way though life.

I feel like that'll be me in 11 months time. Won't elaborate but I have a feeling I'm gonna crash at some point, people notice, I spend my 20s in a mental hospital.